I think pursuing someone in a relationship makes one look trashy but today a coworker was arguing with me that it’s not. Saying if there’s no ring it doesn’t mean anything. When I disagreed she said I wouldn’t know because I’ve never really dated or been in a relationship.
So, now I keep questioning if this is a popular mindset or if I’m as naive as my coworker makes me out to be.

Edit: I want to make it clear, that I have never had any intention to pursue someone in a relationship. A few of you have taken this post as me looking for validation to do so. I made this post because more than one coworker agreed with that mindset and made me believe that I was being a prude. Thank you for making my morals feel valid when the people in my personal life did not.

49 comments

  3. This is not a mindset that decent people have. Usually people who have this mindset are disrespectful shit bags 🤷🏻‍♀️

  4. Why would you want someone who doesn’t respect the commitments they’ve made? Just means they’ll shit on you someday, too.

  5. What a dirtbag move. I’m sure this person wouldn’t appreciate others treating their significant other as “fair game”

  7. People that view it this way are the same people who will complain about men or women all being the same. Be mad about getting cheated on while also being a mistress.

    My personal opinion the only time Pursuing someone in a relationship is if all parties involved are polyamorous. If they are exclusive with someone and not poly then it’s poor behavior to attempt to get someone in a relationship to do something with you that their SO would be upset about when they find out.

  10. Well you gotta figure in the future it’ll cause doubt. You’ll think if she cheated on him what stops her from doing it to me? It’s just too risky.

  13. Absolutely not okay. Relationships are valid without a ring. Going after someone who’s taken is disgusting.

  15. No bro. Just no. Let’s say you win. You get boring in your feelings and comfortable. She ganna cheat on you. Go for one that wants you and you win over and is single. A woman with integrity is what you want. If she go with you while in a relationship she ganna do it again agisnt you promise you.

  17. Toward the end of last year, I was going for drinks with a woman who had said before that she had a boyfriend. The last time we hung out, she hugged me really hard & afterwards gave me an opening, that I didn’t take because we were both drunk & her vibe was weird. And cuz I’m such a great guy obviously. And cuz over those hangouts I decided that while she was pretty, we didn’t click personality-wise.

    Point is, did she have a boyfriend, did she make him up, does she not respect him, I don’t know. The problem is, a lot of attractive women are not going to be single, & honestly I really see nothing wrong with hanging out sporadically with someone who has a boyfriend, because you never know if they’re planning to break up or how their relationship’s going. Cheating is another thing, cuz in addition to being wrong, you risk becoming “the other guy” in some bullshit, which isn’t something you should want.

    But I mean, people have met their future husbands/wives while still with someone else. I don’t think there’s as bright a line around these things as people make it.

  18. think about it from the other perspective

    How would YOU feel if someone pursued YOUR significant partner?

    How would YOU feel if that person ‘took’ your significant partner?

    Theres your answer

  20. No, it’s selfish and disrespectful, both to the person you’re pursuing and their partner. It’s stupid too; people who do this fail to remember that if the person they’re pursuing leaves their partner for them, they will just as likely be “stolen” by someone else. That happened to two of my friends, and my younger brother, who “stole” girls from other guys in high school. All these girls ended up getting charmed by other guys and leaving them.

  21. I hope tf it isn’t a popular mindset….There may not be a ring but what does that have to do with the amount of love two people have to share. Bet your coworker would say different if someone was trying to get with their S.O. People who pursue someone in a relationship are scumbags. Out of all the people in this world that are single…why do they have to choose someone who is taken. Gross.

  24. Having been in a marriage with an adulterous spouse and knowing the pain it can cause, it is a hard no for me. I won’t even date someone who is not divorced yet.

  25. She sounds like the kind of idiot who thinks when a woman cheats its fine but when a man does he’s scum. She’d cry like a little girl if she was with someone getting “pursued” by another and she’s imagining herself being pursued which is why right now she’s so nonchalant about it.

  30. Wtf? Nah this is not how decent people act. Bet your co-worker would change their tune if someone chased their partner. I don’t know anyone who would think this ok at all.

  31. Have you seen The Office?

    Sounds silly, but my best suggestion is what Michael does when Holly is waiting for her bf to propose. He kept his distance, and stayed a loyal friend. He made his move after they broke up, and she had some time.

  32. It’s not okay to pursue someone if they’re in a committed, monogamous relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and if anyone tried to pursue him it would be on site lol.

    Anyone who goes after taken people is a piece of garbage. I had a former friend who was a home wrecker and would flirt with guys in relationships because she thought it was some kind of game. She ended up breaking up two long term relationships and then hooked up. They would never last more than a few weeks because she’d get bored. Obviously, I’m not friends with her anymore after finding that out. Ironically, she goes on church trips and claims to be a good Christian girl but she’s the worst.

  34. You called your coworker out unintentionally; and as a result they lashed out and gaslighted you. You are not naive for viewing a relationship as something to be respected and not pursuing someone in a relationship is a sign of respect for their relationship. I think your coworker is for sure just looking to justify their past/present actions. So yes, some people do believe that, and those are the people that cheat. 🤷‍♀️ I dont think your opinion is controversial or unreasonable.

  36. I definitely don’t think there’s such a thing as “stealing” somebody away, because people who have integrity and loyalty and genuinely respect and love and cherish their partner would never stray from them. I think it says a lot more about someone who would expect someone to do that for them. Either they are incredibly self absorbed and entitled, or they are projecting their own personality on to others.

  37. Definitely not ok behavior ring or not it’s disrespectful and wrong

  38. No, it’s not ok.

    I recently had this come up at work too. I was interested in a coworker (already a bad idea), and I asked one of the other waitresses if she knew if he had a gf. She did a little investigating and he does. She kept making comments like “he’s not married though!” and “there’s no ring on that finger!” but the prospect of trying to break up his years long relationship makes my stomach turn.

    Besides that, would you really want to date somebody who would break that kind of serious commitment when another option came along?

  39. If someone was to pursue me while I was in a relationship I would take it as a sign that they don’t respect me, my relationship, my partner or my boundaries. Completely icky.

  40. It is absurd to suggest that the lack of a ring means that the relationship is not worth respecting. There are people who are together in a long-term relationship but who never want to get married, already considering their relationship to be no different than that of any married couple. Plus, a relationship does not have to be at that level for it to merit respect. All anyone who suggests otherwise needs to do is imagine if he or she had a partner and think about how he or she would feel if someone pursued his or her partner.

  41. Absolutely not. I’ve met people who say “it’s not my problem that they’re married/committed/etc” and honestly that’s such a trashy way to live. First of all, any person willing to cheat WITH you, WILL cheat ON you. WILL, not IF. It is always inevitable. Two, why on earth would you want to be party to destroying someone else’s life? As the person who’s been ruthlessly cheated on, I know firsthand how devastating it is. If you’re willing to mess around with someone at the risk of inflicting so much emotional damage on someone completely innocent, you and the cheating partner are absolutely the scum of the earth.

    OP, you’re not wrong for thinking it’s wrong. Your coworker just has a shit opinion.

  42. I strongly disagree with your coworker. And I strongly agree with you. Seems like your coworker is a shitty person honestly.

  43. If someone is okay betraying another person they share intimacy with then they aren’t someone you can trust to be vulnerable with.

    Your coworker is probably someone who doesn’t truly want to commit and looks for people who are unavailable in some way. This is a problem with them and not you.

  44. that’s not okay at all. you do not need to be in a relationship to have morals or common sense not to date people who are already in a relationship. that girl is trying to warp your perception and manipulate you into thinking the same way as her and normalize her shitty mindset disgusting

  45. IMO, if a girl wants to go after a guy in a relationship, that’s her prerogative. But if she manages to break the couple up, I really believe it’s pretty likely that he would be willing to leave her for someone else. I don’t think I’d be able to trust him. But I’ve never tried to break anyone up, so I can’t say for sure.

  46. The answer is no and you should stop talking to the person that thinks it’s okay

  47. I’ve been in the same position as you were, being made to feel naive or prude for my feelings on cheating or pursuing those in relationships.

    I noticed the women and men in my life who pursued others in relationships tend to be insecure, have something to prove, it’s ego and game driven for them. A former friend with self hatred and body image issues, felt confidence in pursuing a coworker with a girlfriend. She would stalk the girlfriend’s socials and try to shit talk about her with us but we weren’t having it.

    Reconsider who you hang with and look at how they are in other aspects of their life. It’s easy to fall for “everyone else is doing it you’re the weirdo” when you’re surrounded by toxic friends.

  48. If someone cheats on someone to be with you, they will cheat on you too.

  49. Depends. Life isn’t black and white no matter what Reddit says. Now for all the 22 year old emotionally stunted people to downvote me….

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