Fair warning: this post is coming from an extremely sleep deprived, ADHD brain.
I love my husband, I really do, and I feel like I need to start this by saying that. Despite all the crap I’m about to get into, he is 10000% the love of my life, I don’t want to lose our marriage, but I am literally watching it disintegrate and I don’t think he even realizes.
Let’s start with what happened today/this week, which is really what has me at the end of my rope.
I (34F) have severe insomnia. Like, its bad bad. Like 10 mg of ambien with 600 mg of gabapentin doesn’t touch it, bad. So I struggle to sleep a lot. We have a newborn baby, and my husband just started a new job to improve our life, but it is third shift. (Side note: I’m so stinkin proud of him, he worked so hard and had to get through some major mental road blocks but he did the work, got the certifications he needed, and got the job, all for our family.)
Well, this week our baby has taken to waking every 30 minutes. All. Night. Long. Which means most nights this week I’ve been lucky if I get 2 hours if sleep. Then my husband (40M) comes home from work anywhere between 1 and 5 am, and plays on his phone for a bit before going to sleep.
I get up as soon as baby is awake awake, and doesn’t fall right back asleep after breastfeeding, and take care of him until husband wakes up, and then I make food for my family and go about my day taking care of our 2 teens (13 and 16 year old boys) and infant, and he goes to work after packing his lunch and getting ready.
Nighttime rolls around and it’s rinse and repeat. It’s been HARD but he is a truck driver so he can’t be driving around sleep deprived, so I take the hit and when it gets hard I just remind myself that I get to sleep on his day off.
Well, today was supposed to be that day, but, he caught the illness I’ve been sick with for 4 days now, and slept for literally just hit 24 hours. I asked him once to help me with the baby by making a bottle and he spent the WHOLE time in our kitchen muttering to himself, mad I had woken him.
THAT pissed me off, I sent him a text(because I didn’t want to yell at him while holding the baby) letting him know that I could hear him, and it was heavily sarcastic. I believe my words were along the lines of “idk what you think happens when you walk from our room into the kitchen but it’s not some magic f***ing portal where I can no longer hear you, sorry I asked for your f****ing help, I won’t make that mistake again”. Am I proud of it? No. But this is literally day 7 of no more than 2 hours of sleep a night in at most 30 minute increments. I’m so so so SO tired.
Then night time rolls around, hes STILL sleeping, and I let him, hes sick, I assume he feels miserable even though he has no fever or anything, because I feel pretty miserable too, but ive had a fever of 100.2-102.7 for 4 days now, on top of sleep deprivation that now has me hallucinating.
So I finally snapped at hour 23 of him sleeping, and I SCREAMED at him. He seriously had the nerve to ask why I was so pissed off. So I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that I was so over exhausted and sleep deprived for so long I was now hallucinating and it was terrifying me.
Then he tried to say “well I’m sick”
Me: I’m sick too, and I have been for 4 days, but hey, who cares, I don’t get the luxury of just sleeping for an entire day and not worrying about taking care of our baby.
So he WENT BACK TO SLEEP AFTER HEARING HIS WIFE WAS SO TIRED AND SICK SHE IS HALLUCINATING!
So here I sit, rocking our baby back to sleep AGAIN, while I see stuff I logically know can’t be there/happening, but my eyes tell a different story, and between this and some other problems we’ve had (he has promised to start therapy several times after our past 2 arguments (the first argument was in Feb, so he’s had plenty of time) and not helping with the baby very much unless I have to do something like shower or pee., etc) I just….I can feel myself distancing emotionally from this relationship.
I just….am I crazy to think after sleeping for a FULL day that when you hear your wife sitting on the bed absolutely sobbing because she’s so sick and tired and scared, that you might, idk, even just give her a fucking pat on the back instead of just rolling away? Maybe give her a break from the baby for the night and let her sleep for once? I mean even though his version of letting me sleep is taking 2 feedings at night, and then baby wakes up again after 5 am and it’s my turn again, which is its whole other issue because he just loves to brag about what a hands on dad he is. 🙄
This isn’t the man I married. This isn’t who I fell in love with. Even before this week, I’ve had to start begging him to show me some romance again, because it’s just….it’s just gone. And I get life happens but we haven’t been on a date in over a year. He does not EVER try to take me on dates. But God forbid he doesn’t get laid when he wants, he’s throwing it in my face every chance he gets.
I just, how do I fix this, keeping in mind I’ll probably be the only one trying, because as shown time and time again, he doesn’t care when I tell him I need xyz from him.
And if I can’t fix it how do I tell him in a non-confrentational way that our marriage is dying?
16 comments
He doesn’t hear you. Sounds like you should get some sort of therapy together. Most marriages experience similarities. We went to therapy and learned “reflective listening”. Each of us would get 15 minutes. One partner would express their needs, the other partner would state back to what they heard, clarifying they understood. Then after 15 minutes, they would switch. Took a lot of work to get there, but at least both felt heard. Should learn the technique through someone who is trained.
Sorry you are going through this. Having a newborn is insanely difficult. I’m typing this at 4am because my newborn didn’t want to go back to sleep after their 3am feeding.
While I think he definitely should be putting in more of an effort, it sounds like you need outside help with the baby. Is it possible for the teens to watch the newborn for a couple hours so you can rest? Do you have family that can come by and help?
I know this is going to sound like I’m blaming you but I’m not. My wife went through this with our firstborn and I know TONS of women that go through this.
Your problem simply put is you believe in your heart of hearts that you and you only are the ONLY QUALIFIED PERSON IN THE WORLD who can properly care for your baby. And you probably can’t even admit this to yourself.
You have “First Time New Mother Syndrome”
My wife had it and LONG before she reached where you were I had had enough of the temper tantrums and martyr syndrome from her and forced her to allow the grandparents to watch the newborn (and they were drooling over the opportunity)
The first day is the hardest for mothers like you. You WILL be calling the caregiver like every 5 minutes demanding to know if the kid is still breathing.
After a couple weeks my wife was an old pro at this. Grandma 1 called up “the baby won’t stop crying” my wife was like “what do you want me to do about it? You raised 2 kids yourself figure it out” Grandma 2 called up “do I feed him the blue bottle or the pink bottle” my wife was like “are you kidding both of them have exactly the same milk in them what’s wrong with you” After a few more days of that my wife just took the phone off the hook. Then they started calling ME at work, lol.
Harmony re-entered our home.
Don’t ever think you can do this without outside help. Yes your husband could have dragged out of bed. But admit it you would never have been satisfied with how he held/fed/diapered the baby so you might as well just admit defeat, bring in the grands, or a SAHM you can swap babysitting with, and then when you criticize them for diapering the baby wrong your husband won’t be insulted.
You need to hire a baby sitter to sit with the baby while you BOTH sleep. You are too busy comparing who is more tired rather than finding a solution
He’ll you HAVE a 16 year old… he’s capable of helping with his brother while his parents are sick. Come on.
Your marriage is dying…I mean, that is in and of itself confrontational. (I don’t disagree with your assessment, based on what you’ve shared! But he’s more than likely going to take it as an attack rather than as a bid for connection.) I think it might be best done via (calm and edited) written form.
As to the more urgent issue, here’s where I think you’re at. You are rightfully frustrated and exhausted and feeling alone. Sick or not, it seems that men typically get a pass on the infant childcare where women do not. I don’t know where they learn this, but of course it’s wrong.
If outside help to get through this patch is a no-go, which it sounds like it is, and he’s not stepping up on his own, let’s think about what you can control. You can try to speak to him directly and calmly (I KNOW that’s hard in the early months with a baby AND when you are sleep deprived) and tell him that you are drowning and would like to attack that problem as a team and figure out a solution. You are no good to that baby if you are hallucinating and exhausted, and the baby belongs to BOTH of you.
At some point, if it gets any worse, since you can only control YOU, you might have to back down on that outside help so you can get some sleep and take care of yourself. Doing it alone is HARD, and like I said, you are no good to that baby if you are exhausted. You need to prioritize your mental health. Being stubborn on someone else watching the baby isn’t going to solve the problem. So I’d pose that to him, either he steps up and parents as a team, or you have to get some sort of outside help.
Sorry for the situation. Lots of variables here – newborn, underlying sleep issues, challenging night shift, household sicknesses. As tough as it is, you have to give each grace. Both roles are tough under these circumstances. One thing guys struggle with is what to help with. It’s not that we don’t want to help, it’s that we don’t know how to help and don’t want to feel either helpless or confused with the baby. Set out some specific tasks rather than just say help me. Also, you guys need help. All families do. Period. Even if it’s not a daycare or a babysitter, find someone to assist with some household tasks. I would even ask if family would be willing to take a week off or a long weekend to help.
I think maybe you should ease up on the no babysitter “until they can talk” thing.
You complain about no date night, but how are you supposed to go with no babysitter? Can you pay one of your teenagers to babysit?
Can you sleep during the day when your husband is home or have him take over for a few hours after he gets home from work?
I’ve read your post and comments. Your husband is being a POS. Plain and simple. There isn’t a job in the world that negates him being a parent. Unless he is literally away (deployed or otherwise unable to be home for months at a time) there is no reason he’s not parenting. I get his work shift probably sucks because he gets home in the middle of the night, but he can step up.
Sit him down. Give him some ultimatums. Either he starts parenting and helping and supporting you mentally and emotionally or you can go be a single parent w/o the extra burden of a useless grown man.
With that said, if he’s willing to sit down and talk and not throw a fit discuss what he needs. Maybe there’s some things that would help him feel fulfilled so he can fill your cup. It’s a team effort but he has to be willing to participate for it to work.
Be firm and whatever consequences you lay out be prepared to stick with them.
I think you need to give yourself mornings off. Let your teens know that until baby gets in a better routine, you’ll need them to get themselves ready and out the door in the morning. Also pay them to babysit so you can nap in the afternoon.
Did your husband change when baby was born or was it tied to job change? 3rd shift work can have negative effects on mental health, so between that and going back through the baby stage could be aggravating the issues.
Regardless, it’s frankly not safe for you to have so little sleep with a baby around, and that’s the conversation you need to have with your husband. Don’t ask, hand the baby over, pump milk for a bottle, and let him know you’re off duty for the night, period. Sleep in another room if you can.
Ohmygosh. Make a friend. Ask the friend to watch the baby for a few hours here and there so you can self care. Pay the friend with whatever you have. Exchange of child care, baked goods, bribery, money, whatever. I am so sorry.
Listen I understand not trusting someone with your baby especially after a traumatic SA that happened to your other child. Honestly that’s terrifying & I am so sorry. I have 3 kids 2 & under & another on the way. I totally understand the exhaustion. I am lucky I do have a family member that lives with us & can help us with the kids. I am the only one that wakes up during the night (98% I am sensitive sleeper & handle less sleep better than my husband, he’s better at helping during the day anyway) but a new baby is tough I will give you some tips that helped me through my first born & twins. All very different kids with different methods.
My first baby I co-slept with & breast fed, baby dream fed a lot had the best sleep with this baby. My twins were in the NICU for awhile so they could sleep in a bassinet better than my first born. However there were times that were difficult, the sleep sacks that have velcro have been awesome to swaddle babies (Halo I think is the brand??), & the nested bean sleep sack is awesome. Noise machines are awesome there’s a plug in one on Amazon that has been superb for all 3 kids. I use lavender wash & lotion on babies bath & bed routine. When they got older & I could use bubble bath I’d use the lavender & melatonin Dr.Teals for them to relax in & play before bed. We have a glider & swing just in case baby wouldn’t sleep (the graco XL glider has been the best honestly) so I’d let baby fall asleep then transfer them to a crib or bassinet. Sometimes a bit of baby oatmeal in a warm bottle will help. These are some tips to make things easier on you. As for Husband he is really sucking right now & I’m sorry for that. Some men are just ass at being a dad to a newborn/baby probably because they figure mom can do it because “motherly instinct” which is difficult. If he doesn’t want to deal with baby at night the. He should take baby for a few hours during the day & leave you alone. Or at least make up for it with doing more chores/household responsibilities. He needs to be willing to balance your load at home. If you need the sleep KEEP WAKING HIM UP. It’s better he gets his stubborn ass up than something happening to baby because you are exhausted & can’t function. Accidents happen & babys safety should be #1 priority & husband is being selfish by not helping you. Next time he brings up getting laid say that until he starts being a father that he can’t complain about lack of sex when he’s lacking as a father when your pulling a majority of the weight. Why would you want to have sex with him when he can’t even care enough to make sure you are getting basic needs filled like sleep??! I definitely recommend Marriage Counseling ….. he can address his unhappiness in the bedroom & you can address the unhappiness in the entirety of pulling the weight in the relationship & parenting. Good luck!
You definitely need sleep, rest and some possible therapy. You are going through a whirlwind of emotions and crazy postpartum hormones. You seem to be lashing out in anger due to this. Your husband is out working his butt off (and has been) in order to take care of you and your family. Being a truck driver is no easy task. But he does it for you. I think you need to be a bit more considerate and stop thinking that it’s all about you. You’re tired and sick, but so is your husband. So instead of lashing out and fighting him about it, sit down and communicate *nicely* without getting mean or rude. Also find a way to get a babysitter or a family member to help out, because this is not a sustainable or healthy way to live your life constantly being stressed about a newborn and not asking for help. So many parents hire trusted babysitters to look after their kids to get away for a bit? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s kind of alarming that you are so against that. I think therapy would greatly benefit you as well. Good luck.
OP You’re out of control. Get off Reddit and take a nap.
I’m sorry to hear things are like this for you, a new born can be really tough. Our daughter only started sleeping properly at 6yrs old.
Until you are feeling better and getting some rest you are unlikely to be able to resolve things. Sleep deprivation massively interferes with your brains ability to function cognitively and emotionally.
The only advice I can give is: when the baby sleeps, you (try) sleep, forget the house / chores for a while.
Have you any family you trust that could help? Come to your house and look after the baby for a while whilst you get some rest
There is not really a non-confrontational way of telling someone the marriage is dying. It’s just calmly during a matter of fact discussion or in the heat of argument with lots of yelling and stuff. You need to sit down with him and tell him you’re at the end of your rope. You love him and are proud of him, etc, but the way things are right now, it’s not sustainable. You’re literally breaking apart with frustration.
A lot of people will tell you that it gets better as the baby gets older. Hopefully starts sleeping on it;’s own at around 6 months. But I understand that you need help now.
With the baby, home schooling, and you wanting to let your husband sleep for his job, I think you need to overcome your reluctance to hire a baby sitter. It’s just temporary. It’ll help you get through it. You’d rather have hired a baby sitter for a little bit than get a divorce, right?
I know this is a serious post, you got a lot of good advice and theres nothing meaningful i could add to any of it, but i wanted to just say the “magic fking portal” statement got me. Absolutely brilliant. Keeping that one in the memory bank.