I created a throwaway account for this because I just cannot have these thoughts getting to my partner. My partner and I have been together for quite awhile, just before meeting them I had been in this weird dynamic “relationship” and I was completely in love with this other person but the feelings were never reciprocated so I decided one night to move on and I met my now partner soon after. Things were straight forward with this partner and they loved me and I eventually fell in love and we got married. I still think about the other person daily, I miss them and I know I still love them. The feelings I had for the person I let go do not hold a candle to the feelings I have for my spouse. We have a great marriage and we’re a great team but the passion and spark does not compare. I occasionally see the person I still have feelings for and they are happy, they have a spouse now and a child. And I would never contact them or intentionally hurt my spouse because I have grown to love them and I respect them too much to do that. Anyways, I just feel like I married the wrong person, I should have been more honest of my intentions with the one that got away, it’s always 20/20 in hindsight. I’ve had these feelings for years and finally mustered the courage to write them down.
12 comments
Try to focus on what you do have not what could have been it will eat at you and also it may not always be greener on the other side people grow and change maybe think about what made you choose the person you married and work on the passion ect try to make that the best as you can and try not too look at his life ect
>the feelings were never reciprocated
This settles it. The other person was never the right one.
The grass is greenest where you water it. You only think the passion and spark and whatever is there because you’re dwelling on it daily and pouring your time and energy into it, albeit just in your head. As you said, the feelings were never reciprocated. So you’ve built this thing in your mind that never existed in the real world and you’re using it to undermine your spouse who loves you. Seems like a crazy thing to do.
I recommend reading the book Attached about attachment styles and how they affect how you are viewing your marriage. Many others have similar thoughts as you due to having this avoidant type of attachment style. The way you feel may be more because you are avoiding a true connection to your spouse than that you truly have a deeper love for someone who was never yours.
Look into Attachment Styles. What you’re describing here sounds like an Avoidant Attachment style. You’re afraid to be vulnerable in a relationship until its safe to do so. Hence you’re now infatuated with your ex because they are “safe” / unavailable. Something you couldn’t do while you where together. And now you’re saying you think you chose the wrong partner as a way to protect yourself and avoid being vulnerable to this current partner.
Its a circle. Seek therapy to find the root cause and how to overcome.
If the feelings were never reciprocated, I’m wondering what you could be holding onto besides a fantasy. It sounds like they were never yours so they can’t be the one that got away. They were never in your grasp.
I do understand the feeling though. I’ve been there. It feels so real doesn’t it? But there is nothing real about it. Rather your having an affair with a phantom. I mean I understand why the passion from it feels so much greater than your marriage but it’s an illusion. A total and complete illusion.
I’m sorry for the pain you’ve experiencing but it was never going to be any different. As painful as it may be, let go of your fantasy, stop chasing ghosts, and embrace your flesh and blood spouse. Embrace what is real— your spouse and their incredible love for you. I’m hoping you can find your way through all of this.
OP, you have The One That Got Away Fantasy. That’s all it is,a fantasy. You need to see a therapist to get over this because this other man you can’t stop thinking about sounds like a Limerence Object.
The obvious answer is, in your heart it never ended. Hence the thoughts today. You’ve never had closure over it. You need to figure out a way to close that relationship so it goes into the past bin, not into today’s.
There is no medicine for regret in this world. But tbh very much sounds like “grass is greener” coz 1) they didn’t love you. And 2) a dynamic relationship is.. what? a situationship?
Focus your love and infatuation on your spouse and bury these thoughts deep before they destroy your marriage.
Believe me, feelings come and go. Forget what is behind and look forward to the future. I wonder if you get pleasure looking back. I’ve been married 43 years with a similar situation. However, the first person isn’t the same person anymore and more than likely, getting back might not produce the same feelings. Your feelings belong to you. The other person doesn’t make you feel that way. You choose to feel that way. I realize it is hard. We had an old friend who used to say “Marriage is commitment, the love comes later”. I look at my wife now and I am so happy that I didn’t marry someone else.
It sounds like you have attachment issues. What happens when something like that happens is you are drawn to people who are unavailable because secure attachment people can feel boring. You associate the toxicity and the chase with chemistry and “love,” when really that is not the case at all. Passion and spark does not equal love. The most passionate relationships are usually the most toxic. In reality love and a healthy relationship is usually “boring” because all the chemicals of the push and pull isn’t there, it’s predictable.
“Them”? How many people you are married to, and how many people you are in love with? Please read the whole paragraph again yourself.