I (24m) need help on find happiness, purpose and confidence outside of a relationship.

3 comments

1. There’s no way of knowing what’s missing here. But I can tell you from my experience, which may resonate with you: When I was a younger man, deep down I didn’t feel good about myself. Lots of reasons, but the point is: Attention from women equaled validation for me, like I could tell myself I wasn’t a completely terrible person because one person was attracted to me. It took me really falling way down and a very good friend talking to me to help me up. He told me how a woman cannot just fill a void in your life. I had to validate myself and be a whole person on my own before I tried to put another person in it.

   So obviously you know you need to do this, intellectually. You know you need to be a better man because it’s intrinsically good on its own, not just to have a girlfriend. For you, I would dig into that scared and alone feeling. What are you scared of? Are you like me, and scared of being alive? What do you think about when you think too much?

   I’d also dig into this “main point of life is to find someone to love.” That sounds like “a woman, any woman, not the woman” kind of talk. Like, the woman’s perspective doesn’t really seem to enter your thought process through much of this. A woman is not an object to sleep next to, show off, have sex with, and buy a house with and have your children. She’s a person too who doesn’t want to just be an item to round out your bullet point checklist.

2. We suffer more in imagination than we do in real life. To me, it sounds like at least a couple of major things are going on here.

   1.) you are avoiding the emotions of fear/loneliness by pursuing and entering into relationships. If you want to improve then you have to get through that feeling, not around it. The obstacle is the way. Your time of fear and uncertainty will lead to self improvement if you use it as fuel to find inner peace. By seeking relationships to cure something within you, you are already giving your future partner a job- the job of *making* you happy. Until you find yourself in a place where you not only do not fear being alone but rather embrace it, you should not be dating at all.

   2.) You take in a lot of information around self improvement, but information is not the same as implementation. If you want power over your mind and you want to conquer your fears then you need to literally rewire your brain. This takes the implementation of better habits over time, and a serious dedication to changing how you perceive the world around you and how you react to uncertainty and change. Be really self aware and honest with yourself. Find out why you are so eager to not only be in a relationship but *get married?* Getting married is not some guarantee of lifelong bliss. The only couples that I know who have had an enjoyable marriage have been in relationships where both people were independent and did not rely on the other to be the external source of their happiness. When you rely on someone that way, you put them on a pedestal and no one can live up to being THE thing that makes someone else happy.

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   > I am comfortable with myself generally.

   You should journal about this. What does this mean to you? Does comfortable = happy?

   Focus on self awareness and move from there. Be mindful that if you move into another relationship before you have made any progress, you’re doomed to continue to repeat the same things over and over.

   A couple of things to focus on/places to start:

   Any literature/interviews/talks by Joe Dispenza. Trust me. He really focuses on rewiring your brain and the science behind mindfulness.

   The philosophy of stoicism. developing a stoic mindset would really benefit you. I listen to stoic quotes every day. It helps.

   Implement small daily habits that make a difference. Things you do every single day. With me, it started with flossing. Once I was doing that habitually I realized how much power I actually have over my behavior. I used to have to force myself to/would skip days. For the first couple of weeks it was something that I had to consciously think about and now its just part of my daily routine. I feel weird without it. My next change was waking up at 5 to walk in nature and meditate every day. That is when my life completely changed. Journaling in the evening is also a great practice. You don’t have to ever read it again and it doesn’t have to be done a certain way. The point is to be able to write down your experiences and inner feelings and the separate from them. Take that time to view your own circumstances objectively so that you can process how to move forward.

   I hope that I was at all helpful. If you have any more questions id be happy to try to help you answer them to the best of my ability.

3. bearsandstairs and speakeasyimprov have great advice. Follow it.

   My advice: Focus on the richness in life that you have, not what you currently don’t have. Realize that your anxiety is not rooted in reality. You fear being alone, and you probably are catastrophizing, meaning you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. In other words, because you are alone *now*, you’re thinking that you’ll *always* be alone. This simply isn’t true. Be “in the moment” – concentrating on how much you love your family and big group of friends, instead of focusing on not having a gf right now. Then bam, one of those days you’ll be out laughing with friends, or making small talk on a date, and she’ll be there.

   I had a bf from age 16 – 21. I broke up with him. Two years later, I was out with friends just having fun and met my husband. We’ve been married 38 years now. So yes, it happens.