I (40F) have been with my BF (36M) for 3 years. He has been cheated on in past relationships and is strictly NC with anyone he was ever involved with. He knew early on that I was still friendly with two of my exes but didn’t understand why people ever remain friends. He made it clear he didn’t like that. I limited this contact because he didn’t like it and also it’s not in my best interest to talk to them anyway.
I hadn’t talked to my ex-husband (divorced over 10 years) in one year. He contacted me while my BF was out of town and we called back and forth with two longer calls, 15 and 30 min, and some texts. I debated telling my BF but didn’t want to upset him over what I thought was nothing. My ex was somewhat abusive and a drug addict, and I used drugs with him. He called asking for $$ (which I didn’t give) and I got sucked into some drama going on and his tales of woe. His wife talked to me too. They live several hours away and I haven’t seen him in 4 years or so.
I thought I’d heard the last from my ex but my BF says he called while I was asleep one night which prompted him to look through my phone. I understand why he would do that. He woke me up at 2am to confront me. I guess I rationalized it because there is nothing romantic going on and hasn’t been for a decade but my BF is hurt and feels I violated his trust. He feels betrayed that I would “choose a garbage person” who hurt me over my partner who I love. It’s hard for me to think black & white like that, but I get where he’s coming from.
I was very codependent in the past and one time, let my ex come stay with me when he was on the streets, then paid for the Methadone Clinic and a motel for him for one month. I am not codependent like that now but obviously still dysfunctional and need to look at my decision—making.
I blocked my ex on everything but may text him one time to tell him never to contact me again, since I think my BF would prefer me setting a boundary over just ghosting.
I would appreciate any advice on anything I can do to rebuild trust. BF does not want to break up but he is wanting me to look at my actions and motivations and be better.
3 comments
You didn’t do anything wrong. The issue is with his insecurities
The problem here is your BF was clear about his feeling about your contact with your EX’s. You should have told your BF right from the start. Trust goes with truth. Loose one, loose the other.
You need to improve your communication and build confidence with your BF that you are not a cheater. If he feels solid in you and your relationship. Then you would not have issues.
Seems like this situation was easily avoidable. He can’t expect no contact ever but there should be a good reason and as long as it’s communicated in advance or right after it should be OK since there is no deception and it shows respect. Issue here is that you knew how he felt about exes and you made a decision to not tell him about the communication….and he happened to be out of town. He found out on his own and feels both deceived and disrespected. For this reason do not minimize, trickle truth, or deflect now. If he has been cheated on in the past he knows the cheater playbook and this what they do. Just tell him everything that was discussed (fully) and admit the mistake/lapse in judgment.
IMO trust starts with respect and takes time to rebuild. You talking to an ex without telling your BF, regardless of the reason, when you knew how he felt was a sign of disrespect and guessing this is what bothers him the most.
Going forward just tell him that if there is any reason for communication you will let him know about it either before or right after and will disclose the full nature of conversation (or let him see text) because you have nothing to hide and will respect his boundaries.