Disclaimer- My husband has autism.
Today was not an easy day. I found out my husband planned on taking his own life because of this.
He told me he thinks he should “leave” because he often considers raping me. He said sometimes when I’m asleep it’s hard to hold his urges and when I say no it’s also hard to keep it to himself. Obviously it has never happened. He thinks he’s evil because of this. I’m going to be honest I didn’t even know what to say. There’s a lot of thoughts going on in my head right now. For now I told him he’s overreacting and everyone has bad thoughts sometimes and it’s ok for now.
My husband is extremely handsome. Like, REALLY handsome. That being said, idk wtf to do about this. He’s very sweet and I didn’t expect anything like this to come from him.
Wtf do I do??
31 comments
Get him help immediately. He needs to talk to a therapist if hes having suicidal ideation. It sounds like he might be dealing with unwanted intrusive thoughts.
Seconding that this sounds like intrusive thoughts. If that’s what it is, it doesn’t make him a bad person and doesn’t mean he actually wants to do it. But I’m not an expert. He really, really needs to open up to a therapist.
Was the “Extremely handsome” part necessary though??
Wow I can kinda of relate to this, not to that specific thought, but to having intrusive thoughts that freak me the fuck out. Like, “why did I just think that” thoughts
I’m neurodivergent (no specific diagnosis) and it’s common for us to deal with really intrusive thoughts. It’s often more a symptom of strong emotions than of what we really want to do.
Read up on intrusive and obsessive thoughts, there’s all kinds. People who obsess about the thought of being a pedophile even though they’ve never experienced attraction towards children, people who have intrusive thoughts about how they could kill other people. It’s usually impossible to find a source/reason but the most important part is to know that’s not you, that’s some mechanism your brain is putting in place to cope or to express something that’s very hard to get to, but that’s not what you want.
Maybe show your husband this comment?
He should definitely talk about it with his therapist, the therapist is most likely familiar with this.
Edit: spelling
I wouldn’t be surprised if this was an intrusive thought, like when you are at the top of a building and think ‘jump’ or in a plane and think ‘open the door’ etc, it’s not something he wants to do or is going to do but the thought it there
Excessive intrusive thoughts are often a sign of OCD but the suicidal ideations are really concerning I’d recommend professional help for both but making sure he’s safe is a must.
He needs help. He is reaching out to you asking for it.
I think he needs to talk to a psychiatrist immediately and honestly, both his life and your life could be in jeopardy. He could be suffering from OCD’s intrusive thoughts (I have that), which are awful, but treatable. Only a psychiatriast will be able to determine that, and he likely needs a *quick-acting treatment for his level of depression* (which may likely also have a beneficial effect the obsessive thoughts).
I’m not a psychiatrist. Since he’s having thoughts of self-harm, and of harming you via rape, this is something for a medical professional, and it needs to be addressed at an ER quickly.
Autism is often co-morbid with OCD. OCD has a lot of intrusive thoughts, and autism has hyper focus. So I’m guessing what’s happening here is OCD is sending the intrusive thought, and autism is hyper focusing on it. All of which would obviously be extremely uncomfortable to anyone with a conscience. TBH, therapists help ppl manage stuff like this all the time, so I hope you can convince him to talk to his therapist.
He may have OCD.
Take him to a therapist
Ive actually dealt with Pure O. Made me even more suicidal than I already was. Started drinking alot like basically non stop and other addictions I wont mention, but reading other peoples stories and information about intrusive thoughts and how to pratice mindfulness is what got me through. Someone on the spectrum may have a harder time though. Might benefit you to find someone who specializes in pure O/ intrusive thoughts.
I am on the spectrum and have OCD. Let me reiterate again that this is a clear case of intrusive thinking. I suffer from this as well although not in the particular way your husband does. Assure him that he is not this thought. He is the person observing this thought happening. Also encourage him to discuss this with his therapist. They can help him employ specific strategies to counter these thoughts and let them pass. Good luck!
well at least hes warning you instead of doing it… I’d listen to him. I’d also encourage him to bring this up in therapy. even if he “doesn’t want anyone to know” (who would?), his therapist isn’t going to tell anyone. he needs help and all I can say is at least he’s aware he needs it. please stay safe
That’s stressful for both of you. Intrusive thoughts can be so rough to deal with
First, if the reason you’re staying with him is because he’s handsome, that’s really shallow. Second, seek out professional help for both of you. If you do want to save this marriage beyond the fact that he is handsome, you both need a lot of professional help.
Tell him that the only way to fix it is that he speak to his therapist about it and that if it makes him more comfortable you can even go with him to speak to the therapist to support him. Don’t let this ruin what you have because he’s being honest & hasn’t done it. Be supportive and show him it’s okay sometimes our brains are wonky and that’s “normal”. And I put normal in “” because there is no such thing as normal our brains are fucking insane autism or not. I’ve had intrusive thoughts about randomly punching people in the face, I don’t act on them though because I know it’s technically not okay lol. Things will be fine, goodluck!
This has to be addressed immediately by a professional therapist.
Hi OP, so first of all I’m so sorry you both are going through this. I also have autism and autism tends to coincide a lot with other things such as OCD, which I also have. This sounds like it *could* be something a lot of people have with OCD, intrusive thoughts. These thoughts mean nothing and are best ignored, easier said than done. He does definitely need to be talking to a professional about this.
Your feelings and safety matter first though. Do you feel safe? Do you believe he may act on these urges? If so you need to really find a way to be safe for now.
Intrusive thoughts like that are associated with a lot of mental illnesses. If he never shows such tendencies during sex or at other times, it’s likely just a symptom.
Talk to a professional therapist.
You might also want to ask your partner if he has sexual or physical trauma. This could be a manifestation of that. If he doesn’t know, he might not be able to access those memories, and would require therapy. People are talking about diagnoses from the DSM here (OCD, etc.), which often only provides diagnosis for the symptoms of trauma.
I recommend you look into the book “The body keeps the score” by Bessel van der Kolk. It might be relevant for your partner.
What does the handsome part have to do with anything? Genuine question- not smarting off.
What was the need to put “he’s really handsome” into this? What point does this prove or how is it related to him wanting to rape you?
Yeah, just talk to the therapist. They won’t bat an eye about it. Great thing he brought it up with you, now it’s time to work on it with the therapist. This is a cry for help.
Professional help for the suicidal thought is appropriate. If he has an ongoing behavioral health resource, that’s the best place to start.
That said, his autism may be making normal thoughts seem problematic. In the id/ego/superego model, most men’s id has suggested they force themselves on a woman who rejected them, and was quickly shut down by their superego, but the experience comes out of their mouth as “I’d never consider doing something like that”. So that reality could make Mr.OP terribly uncomfortable with his own thoughts, even if he’s no more likely to act on his thoughts than a neuro-typical person.
Regular therapy can make a huge difference, idk if he has any therapy or medicine but that would be my first advice.
I have autism and ADHD and I get really weird intrusive thoughts that are hard to let go of but talking about it really helps, one time for a couple of weeks I kept having intrusive thoughts about stabbing myself with a fork so I had to remove all cutlery from the house (except spoons) and I talked about it with my sister and after a few weeks it passed 😅 so the fact that he opened up to you about it is really good and you should have a open conversation about it and actively seek a professional therapist.
I hope you guys can work through this ❤️
That he broached this with you is a sincere cry for help as others have suggested, counselling, medication and reassurance that he’s not a bad person, he’s done a really good thing in telling you about his worries
Please don’t say he’s overreacting. He’s the only one who knows how intense the feelings he gets. Since he warned you, and felt so guilty to the point he’s thinking of suicide as a solution, Then it’s a serious issue, please don’t take it so lightly. Personally, I think it’s pure O-ocd because it seems like it. He should go to counseling to deal with these thoughts especially since he’s at this dangerous point of being suicidal.
I am on the spectrum. This does not sound like autism alone. I am going to do my best to encourage you to find help for him. He seems to suffer from intrusive thoughts about rape and suicide.
I have a crappy old truck. I have a great mechanic and from time to time I have to take my truck over for repairs. He keeps me on the road. It isn’t always cheap, but it is much cheaper than a new truck.
The human mind is far more complex that a truck. Like a truck it requires special maintenance and periodic repairs. Your husband needs to see a mental health specialist ASAP. His life is at stake. Your safety could be at stake. Please take him to a counselor. This is well beyond the scope of Reddit.