I started having sex with my partner when we were both 15. We were together a while, but eventually split for a couple years. Then we reconnected and have been together ever since. So we’ve been having sex for a total of 6 years already.
When we first started having sex, I was obviously inexperienced and shy. I thought our sex was great because I didn’t know any better, and I loved him.
But when we were split, I had other boyfriends and sexual partners. I gained some more experience and figured out my own body a little better.
When we got back together, I should have spoken up the first time. I should have told what I like and what he could do differently. But I didn’t. I faked it. And I kept faking it because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
Now I am so miserable during sex. He has basically no idea what he’s doing. He licks my vagina (the HOLE) but not my clit. He never uses suction. During sex he does this awful rotating thing that makes me feel like I’m being stretched with a speculum at the doctor’s office. He fingers me like my vagina is a sink drain and he’s trying to unclog it. I’m sorry for the imagery, but it’s important. I’ve stopped faking it- I don’t really moan, and sometimes I stop because I tell him I’m not having fun.
I just don’t know how to explain to him that I have been faking it for years- the things he’s doing aren’t good and they never have been good. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also have no desire for sex anymore because it’s so unenjoyable.
Edit: I ALREADY SAID I SHOULD HAVE SPOKEN UP!! I KNOW!! I don’t have a time machine! Can’t undo what’s already done, just ranting about my current situation.
41 comments
Sorry but those descriptions made me literally lol.
Rip the band aid off and just be straightforward and honest with him. If he can change, great. If not, better to know now and decide what’s best for you accordingly
Tell him that for some reason things that worked, don’t work anymore. Hell knows why, maybe because of new birth control pills, or stress, or some hormonal changes. And now you two have to try new things. Idk, honey, it’s so weird, this usually works perfectly, but just doesn’t work now…
Yes, it’s another lie. But I think it’s a harmless solution
And never fake again.
Don’t tell him you’ve been faking it, necessarily. Just tell him you’ve been doing some reading and want to try new things. And if he does something right, enthusiasm!
I’ve just given an empassioned speech about honesty in another post, but I wouldn’t be able to tell him the truth in your situation. I know, I know. It is the adult and right thing to do, but I couldn’t. Instead my strategy would be: “Hey, I read about/saw in porn/got the suggestion from a friend to try X! Could we try that?” Then make it pretty dramatic when he gets it right. You could also try more honest, without necessarily destroying his ego: “Hey, there is a super sensitive spot at the top of my vag, just where the lips meet, could you give that a lick? Just out of curiosity? OH MY GOD THAT IS AWESOME!!!! Maybe a suck too? MMMMMMHHHH…”
You get the idea.
[deleted]
I think you need to avoid judgmental language like saying “he’s terrible at everything.” The dude is doing what *you* trained him to do by faking like it felt good when it didn’t. If what he’s doing doesn’t work for you, that’s kind of on you.
Maybe you can just re-train him by saying you want to try some new things like other posters have suggested. Or maybe you need to have an honest conversation. If it were me, I’d rather my partner had the respect for me to tell me the truth.
But if you do tell him the truth about faking it, definitely don’t bring up past boyfriends and definitely don’t use the kind of critical negative language you used in your OP. None of this stuff is his fault.
If you dont communicate, hes not gonna know what you want. Could he do this research hinself? sure. But you can also tell him.
What happens when you show him how to touch you and how to navigate your body? If you say “you’re no good” you’re just going to upset him and he’ll likely be stand offish or not be able to reconcile doing different things. Definitely stop faking, though. Have you tried directing him and using positive feedback when he latches on to the ideas and techniques you’re showing him? If you never tell him what you like, he’ll never know. Now if he resists or simply doesn’t catch on after you show, guide, and support him, then it’s definitely a problem; but if he’s capable of being better, give him a chance to.
“Move your tongue up. My clit needs the attention. Right there. That’s it. Suck it. Yeah, suck. I love that. Keep doing that.”
“Push straight into me, don’t wiggle. Change your angle a little bit but come straight in and out. Like that. Yeah. Keep doing that. That’s so good.”
“Focus on my clit more. Keep going. Now put your fingers in… slow…. yeah. Push up a little bit and go straight in and out slow, slow… keep going. Yes. I like that.”
Could it be he just needs direction and positive reinforcement?
If he’s a sweet boyfriend, he’ll want to please you. You’re going to have to come clean and fess up to everything, if you truly want this thing to succeed.
imagine having sex with someone for 6 years… and not communicating and showing them exactly what you like and how you like it…. and then having the audacity to do the complete opposite and FAKE IT. actually faking satisfaction so that he is reassured and keeps doing exactly what he’s been doing for 6 years. holy hell OP. this isn’t his fault… it’s your fault.
>I don’t want to hurt his feelings
What would really hurt my feelings as a guy is knowing that the person I was with was lying to me, faking enjoyment with me, and that if we were truly incompatible that I had spent X-time with this person when I could have been exploring with someone else.
You, yes, YOU owe him an apology and then you can both decide how you want to proceed.
I was with a girl that felt this way then I would absolutely want to be told.
Faking it only limits your own enjoyment. If you make him think hes doing a good job, hes having a great time and you’re not. Just be honest. You’ll enjoy the results.
I think maybe tell the truth. That when you first got back together that sheer joy of just touching each other was enough and felt amazing though you’ve learned so much more about how you need to be touched and want to show him. I dont know how insecure he is though when I was younger and dated an older woman, she showed me exactly what to do to drive her wild and it was extremely sexy. She showed me how she liked to be touched. I obliged. She moaned and grabbed me and said how great it felt and it was soooo hot. In turn i continued to do the things that made her moan and drove her wild and looked for new things.
Anotjer thing you could try. Next time he is going down on you, pull his head up a little higher and when he hits your clitoris, give him some positive feedback. Grab his head and let out a moan and just say “oh wow… that feels so good… oh, keep doing that…”. Thrust your pelvis up towards his mouth/tongue and tell him not to stop. If he is able to make you cum that way, tell him that felt amazing and you’d like to try more of that. Tell him maybe next time he is stimulating you manually to try touching there as it seems to feel great.
It will be tough to get out of the routine thats been built up over the years and at some point you may have to fess up to lying about it if you can’t slowly direct him to a better performance. But if you say nothing, it will never get better and bad sex and dead bedrooms make you resentful of your lovers. That’s not fair to either of you.
Ask to try some new things maybe have him watch you. Be nice or just slightly guide him in a new direction. This is going to sound bad but when he does something you like reward him positively like you do training a dog to do new tricks. He might not clue in but he will be happy if you are happy. But I wouldn’t come out and be to blunt.
I absolutely hate my clit touched, licked, played with in any way shape or form becuase it is so painful. And i actually like it lower or like you said “the hole😂” , so maybe he had a partner before that was the same way and he learned from her? LOL the drain clogging comment made me laugh though
I wouldn’t mention the faking. What I do when something feels wrong, I just mention casually after the deed (on the next day or idk just randomly) that would be great if next time he changed the pressure or maybe focused on a certain area more instead of doing this and that. I feel like that’s a good approach. 🙂
At this point, might as well just leave. You got yourself into such hole that it is difficult to come back from that.
He would rather know.. maybe he hates it too but thinks its ur thing lol
… just say it
I’m going to go against the grain here and say you DO need to be totally forthcoming about previously faking it. Not because it’s morally right or anything, but because he isn’t going to take new ideas very seriously if he doesn’t grasp he’s bad at it currently.
My experience was different but sort of related- my girlfriend and I had very vanilla sex. It was good, but she had a few kinks she really needed satisfied to get off. She sort of talked around them like people are telling you to do and don’t get me wrong, i was game, did them sometimes, and thought everything was great. But eventually she was straight up with me and said point blank “I need this stuff every time to get off. Vanilla sex is not very satisfying.”
Well that’s a whole different beast and i was glad to truly grasp what she needed any why! Obviously it will be super painful for you guys, but if you want this to work long term you just need to come out with ALL of it so he gets these aren’t just optional suggestions.
I wouldnt want to be with someone who led me to believe i was satisfying their sexual needs and desires for 6 years but secretly made jokes at my expense to internet strangers about my performance……that *you* led him to believe were good! I REALLY hate to be that guy but If the roles were reversed and this was a man bitching about how awful his female partner was he’d be getting crucified.
Please be honest with this man and let him decide the path forward.
Girl don’t tells us tell him! Everything you just wrote, ok you faked it now tell the truth that’s it. And you also said “I loved him” past tense. He sucks he sucks he isn’t going to get any better by your silence your lack of honesty.
I would try the constructive approach first. Say something like “I want to try sex entirely different from the way we learned to do it. I want to do new, different stuff.”
I’d say things like that rather than “you’re terrible at everything and I’ve been faking for 6 years”. If you want to be critical, you can do it more generally by saying stuff like “I’m tired of they way I’M having sex, I’m losing interest, need to try different things” etc
I would feel betrayed by my partner for lying to me for years about this. He thinks he is doing alright because you haven’t said anything to the contrary. You created this situation for yourself. How is he suppose to know he isn’t doing it right if you haven’t said anything?
Obviously you should tell him the truth. You created this mess. You two could agree to communication or he might be angry and become resentful. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? What would you want your partner to do?
There’s never a bad time to introduce new ideas and give positive reinforcement
You can’t exactly blame him for being terrible when you’ve been having sex for 6 years and you’ve never said anything about it.
Don’t say any of that to him. There is a way of getting what you want that does not involve being cruel. In the act, give clear verbal directions, then give him a positive response for doing what you asked. Talk – before, during, and after. Communication. If my husband starts doing anything I’m not into, I don’t just lay there and let him waste his time and mine, I tell or show him what I want.
Uh oh
Ugh ladies..don’t fake it, you could end up in this situation
You hurt his feelings when you lied for 5 years. You might as well take ownership and talk about it.
Another way to frame this is “I’ve failed to communicate for years and have created bad habits in our relationship.”
Rather than thinking of it as your boyfriend being bad in bed, think of it as failing to guide someone who seems eager to please you.
Try phrasing the conversation as “I did some reading sbd want to try some new things in bed together…” and then tell him exactly what you want to do, then provide feedback in the moment.
I’ll let him know. What’s his email?
You set yourself up for failure by lying to him in the first place
You’re going to have to do baby steps. “Hey could you do x a little differently?” Pick one thing. I’d go for lick the clit first because the most likely to improve things for you straightaway.
Don’t mention that he sucks or that you’ve been faking. Just adjust one thing at a time. It’ll take patience on your part. You didn’t get here overnight so you’re not gonna fox it overnight either.
Teach HIM
What about doing some exploring and sharing of what works for you? Communication is key!
I honestly can say I dont feel bad for you here dude. Look what it’s become just because you chose not to communicate. Rule #1 about sex imo: Speak tf up!
Recommend trying new things, tell him it feels better. No hurt ego, you feel better, win win
These are terrific descriptions, by the way.
I hope i never get with a woman like you, you fake it for YEARS cuz u’re fake. And you blame him too lol.
6yrs and you think it’s all his fault that he is “horrible at everything”? Wow…you probably don’t deserve good sex with that attitude.