Me and my boyfriend have been together for around 9 months, recently he’s been avoiding any type of sexual contact with me, when I even try to turn him on in his usual ways he tells me no and moves my hand away. When I ask why he tells me it’s because he has to do all the work. The way it’s done is he likes to be jacked off a very certain way that would be hard for anyone to replicate perfectly, hence why I’m having trouble with it. Anytime he somehow gets in the mood he always ends up telling me to stop so he can do it himself. Every time he tells me no to sec it keeps making me feel shittier and shittier because I’m trying but he just never wants to.

50 comments

  2. You have needs and desires too and that’s really unfair of him. I hope he improves or you find someone that takes your feelings under greater consideration.

  3. He wants something from you but being little unfair about it. Infact overdramatic in my opinion. This should be easy to resolve in bedroom. Talk to him if he can understand you better or explain himself better. Otherwise he mighy have other intentions.

  5. Is communication not his strong suit? I have no problem getting women to do it just how i like if they’re enthusiastic like that. It’s very rare, but i was with one very sweet woman who was very insecure and like… starting a dead car! I’m having a problem understanding what your bf’s problem is with just being happy to work through it with you… i mean, you’re trying to have sex! He’s got plenty to work with.

  6. Maybe he shouldn’t be in such a hurry it’s not about the finale it’s about the experience. It’s true no one can know your body like you do. Maybe he knows his body too well. Explain to him it’s time for you to get to know his body. I would give my right arm for someone that is trying to do that.

  7. Ngl you’re actually dating a grown baby. I remember when we’d act like that to get our parents to apologise after getting a whopping. Ask him to have a conversation and discuss the problem civilly and without all that goofy childish act. This can’t be a good sign for the future, couples have to be able to maintain a good communication to make their companionship last.

  8. If he is withholding sex for power or control or to make you do something, that’s abuse. I’ve seen this a lot.

    If he’s genuinely shitty that you put no effort in and doesn’t want to have sex as a result, then that’s perfectly fine and valid. I regularly have partners who don’t put in but expect the world, and it gets tired pretty fast even as a people pleaser, but in MY case it doesn’t put me off sex – though I see very much how it would.

  10. Masturbation feels different from a hand job because when he masturbates he can feel his hand with his penis and his penis with his hand. When you give him a hand job he can only feel your hand with his penis. He has to tell you how he’s like you to touch his penis. It’s not fair to you for him to tell you that you’re doing a bad job when he isn’t willing to tell you how to do a good job. He’s impatient when he should be patient. You need to find a boyfriend who has the patience needed to teach you to learn what he likes. You have to find a boyfriend who has the patience needed to learn what you like. Unfortunately, I think that you’re with the wrong boyfriend.

  11. Well, if he can only finish in some special way that doesn’t involve you, he should do that after sex, maybe you can help in an indirect way.

    If that’s not satisfactory for you, there are lots of men out there used to be the sole active part.

  13. Oh he sounds really selfish and this can’t be a viable long term relationship if this is how he treats you. You deserve so much better than this! Also I thought you meant that he is some sort of superman in the bed doing it all…. Lol

  14. Death grip, porn addiction or just masturbation addiction. He can’t even do sex with someone else into it now. He has to stop masturbating for a while

  15. Dude, just no. (Not sure of your age group, but surely youngish?) He seems like a person that masturbates way too much and has *unintentionally* altered his own path to pleasure and the sensitivity, everything surrounding it.

    I mean, thats ok for *him* if he likes it that way BUT by not being honest and discussing things with you….he is TRAPPING you into keeping him company in a sad way so that he isn’t lonely in his odd little sexual box. He’s using frustration, shame, embarrassment, and your good heart to make you feel like you can’t please him, like it’s partially your fault, or like you are responsible for his pleasure.

    Dude, just NO. It’s ok for people to have a kink, or an issue or sexual hurdle they can’t get past. BUT THEY CAN’T TRAP YOU IN A BOX OF SHAME WITH THEM OK?

    *If* he was honest about his issue, and *if* he wanted to be intimate and loving with you, he could still include you and use some sexual things to please you and be happy with you. He could be nice and romantic and learn how to make you cum, make your own personal pleasure a priority and then be content in always masturbating himself to completion *with you there*. If that’s the only way he can cum, that’s fine, but he should be honest about it and use it as a platform to get closer to you! He could become a sex god with his fingers, mouth, and toys and then have you sitting in his lap making out with him while her jerks off…or a million different ways to be intimate.

    But he seems a bit like he’s embarrassed and taking it out on you and putting you in a shame box with him. For this lack of emotional intelligence alone, you should leave and make sure to ask lots of questions so that you know your next partner shares your physical, mental, and emotional goals.

  16. He’s being very selfish!! I’d walk away. More problems in the future and lowers your self esteem

  17. >recently he’s been avoiding any type of sexual contact with me, when I even try to turn him on in his usual ways he tells me no and moves my hand away

    Okay, poor communication, check.

    >When I ask why he tells me it’s because he has to do all the work. The way it’s done is he likes to be jacked off a very certain way that would be hard for anyone to replicate perfectly, hence why I’m having trouble with it. Anytime he somehow gets in the mood he always ends up telling me to stop so he can do it himself.

    Okay, so essentially HE is the reasons he has to do all the work. It has nothing to do with you, he’s doing it to himself. Yet he’s (seemingly) blaming you and he’s punishing you for it, as well.

    He needs to stop masturbating, and he owes you a major apology for how he’s treated you thus far.

  18. Genuinely asking what is it about your partners that you and so many of this sub is seemingly willing to put up with for the sake of a relationship?

    A 9 month one at that with someone that admittedly makes you feel shitty. That person would lose me so fast without any 2nd thought to it

  22. Sounds like he needs to stop masturbating for a while. He’s going to deny it, but if you’ve been on the sex subreddits for any length of time you will have seen a lot of posts like this. Again, he will not admit it, so good luck.

  23. get him too stop masturbating and have an almost ‘lesson’ session you replicate it perfect, and if he cant do that hes immature and not patient enough

  24. I would be remiss in repeating the obvious. The problem is his sole sexual gratification has come from his hand that’s it. The easiest way out would be to suggest a a change in tone. A game if you would. A half week of abstinence even from masturbation would be a nice way to ease in. If you want to delve into research into obstinance and edging. The essence is if you are ramping up libido. If you want to throw some nitrous on it set a plan for edging. In this case a silk cloth passing gently over the sensitive areas for a short period of times a set number of times a day. By the time the week is up, he should be ready for any kind of prolonged stimulation to yield the results you seek.

    I suggest playing into his ego the entire time. This isn’t about his issue so much as it is about having a sexy journey together. You don’t want to make him cum, you want to be taken by him… ect

    If that either isn’t received well or doesn’t work. You have to take a minute and take a real inventory of the situation. An obstinate and intolerant partner does not lend well to a collaborative relationship.

  25. “His usual ways” perhaps its time to experiment a bit more and get out of that routine? Communication is key during sex too, so perhaps talk with him and say i would like you to tell me exactly what to do, what motion, what speed etc, not in a methodical way but in a him being dominant way which he might enjoy. You could ask him if he would like you to be more dominant then you could surprise him, take control during sex, 69, cowgirl, perhaps lingerie or introducing toys, but i would highly recommend looking at toys together because they arent cheap and you dont wanna buy something he might not enjoy. I think the only fear here for me would be that he would then start enjoying/using toys more than actual sex but i think if you said to him you want to be experimental TOGETHER to enhance OUR experience together then he may understand that he can have his own pleasure in private and then you can both have a flurry of different sensations and experiences together. Sometimes sex for all couples can become a bit of a chore, something that is EXPECTED of them rather than something they can enjoy willingly, and most of the time its because the same routine occurs, the same positions, the same places, the same time of day etc. so it seems to me that is exactly what needs to change for you guys. However, do not let him make you feel like shit for doing things wrong, explain that you want to please him and if the current way doesnt work, you guys can find another.

  26. He has Death Grip Syndrome and is blaming you for it. Any woman he hooks up with will encounter the same difficulties and judgement unless he addresses the issue on how he masturbates.

  28. He seems like maybe he would be happier with porn and his hand. I’d find someone else who knows what they want 😬

  29. Worry about you. Sex is a small part of a relationship.
    HOWEVER if it’s not good it’s a huge problem.
    If he’s not happy. I’d say move on.

  30. Do what he asks. Don’t have sex with him. Don’t ask anymore, don’t suggest, don’t flirt.

    Don’t cry or complain, masturbate when you feel like it (ideally outside his sight) and be yourself otherwise.

    If he does not come around in 1 week or so, he is too much in his head and likely not good for you.

  31. I’ll never truly understand how some people will turn down being touched by another who craves to touch them. I’m sorry you’re feeling shitty, but this is on him. Until he grows up and works with you on helping you do it the way he needs, I’m not sure it gets any better. The fact he neglects you and rejects you and makes you feel bad for a HIM issue, not cool at all. Communication is the key to any successful relationship.

  32. I am sorry to say he is not ready to have sex with other people. I have feeling his attitude is manifesting in other areas in the way he treat you as inferior etc.

    I recommend finding someone else who is more mature and open minded to collaboate with you and make the sex and relationship more mutual and sharing.

  34. I wish my wife would put in some effort at all. You sound like a keeper. Your boyfriend sounds like he needs to have his head examined.

  35. As someone who has been in a similar situation, that feeling you have of not being enough and feeling so bad about yourself… never really goes away (while with him, at least). He either needs to buck up and make YOU feel good for a change, or cool it with masturbation and everything most of the other comments are saying.

    I hope that he can learn to communicate better and you can work on this. But it takes a lot of work to get over something like this- for both of you. Him: physically. But also you: mentally. It really takes a hell of a toll.

  36. Leave him if thus is an issue… sounds like he ain’t gonna change and you are just setting yourself up for problems if you allow him to mistreat you this way.

  40. Dude has a Death Grip Syndrome and is making it your fault

    I’d say run, but you could give him a chance to come clean and fix it first… If you REALLY wanted

  43. Is he cut and does he look like he’s grinding his cock head? If so he’s got death grip syndrome and no one is going to be able to make him cum except for himself.

    It takes months and years of refraining from this ill-advised masturbation style before people can cum from more normal means of masturbation.

  44. LOL, try finding Blowjob and masturbation guides on the internet. I’m sorry but a lot of woman, at least 60/70% of the ones I dates where all Clueless, 15/20% know a bit and the rest are total freaks that have a lot of experience with a lot of dicks.

    Your boyfriend probably loves you a lot if he is putting up with bad sex, I definitely wouldn’t and haven’t ever. It kills the mood to know how “inefficient” a partner can be. Being 100% honest it’s so easy to pleasure men, if you sit on his face, blow him till he cums and ride him, do at least 30/40% of the action and that’s it.

  45. The almost exact same thing happened to me [36M] and my fianceé [33F]. I can’t guarantee the reason behind this issue is the same as mine, but the effect is exactly the same.

    There are three things I’m going to address:
    (1) active participation
    (2) taking ownership of your reciprocity
    (3) vericocele

    (1) Active participation:
    For a time, I felt like my partner was doing the bare minimum of what I asked for her to pleasure me. For example, I’d ask her to jack me off as we got started with sexy time. To me, she would be so disengaged while doing it, as if she was more focused on relaxing and enjoying her pleasure. So as she laid next to me, she’d grab my cock and not even adjust her stance or weight or anything to accommodate me. She’d lean her weight on my body with her forearm so she could “cheat” (cheat like how weight lifters use the term) and not have to hold her own arm while she touched me. Her hand wouldn’t go “up and down” because the extent of her participation was curling her wrist as she stroked me, while keeping her forearm and her weight planted on my body. The motion was a hook/curl motion (think arc of a rainbow) and bending my cock to the side each time. She’d also not really even look at me or my cock and she wouldn’t be engaged with stroking me at all. Instead, she’d have her eyes closed and clearly mostly concerned with the sensations I was giving her. To me, it was like some half-assed, drunken handjob.

    This pissed me the fuck off more than I can even describe. I tried *SOOOOO MANY GOD DAMN TIMES* to explain my experience to her. She’d also get defensive and dismissive so the conversation fell on deaf ears again and again it seemed. And ohh, let me tell you, the resentment inside me was just building up.

    In contrast, when I pleasure her, I am actively engaged with her body. Think for a moment what sort of care and deliberate action goes into dicing tomatoes with a chef’s knife in the kitchen. Now imagine the sort of care that goes into finding your phone with one flopping arm, as you lay in bed, in the dark, sloppily patting around to hit buttons until you snooze your alarm. I was dicing tomatoes and she was hitting the snooze button.

    This issue created more negative tension in the bedroom. When she made a point to pay better attention to me, she would start to get self-conscious and start slowing down, staring at me, looking defeated, getting slower and slower until I the moment died.

    *Another* aspect of this is that she would often get distracted and her mind would wander. The very instant this happened (her mind wandering) I knew it right away. She could not hide it from me. For me it was like speaking on the phone with someone who’s clearly preoccupied with something else and having incomplete sentences trail off to a stall.

    (2) Taking ownership of your reciprocity:
    For a long time, each and every time we started to get sexual, we would repeat this whole thing as if it was the first god damn time. I had to explain what I wanted…A-GAIN, each time. I wanted to raise my voice at her and call her lazy! I didn’t do that, but it got so difficult for me to communicate to her without using antagonistic language.

    I was so upset that she didn’t remember what I like, seemingly not paying attention to the moments I was like “oh, yeah, that’s it”. Personally, without much effort at all, I’m paying attention to her body and her pleasure, driven to give her the best of what she likes and remembering for next time and building on my skill to please her each time we fuck. But it didn’t feel like that for me on her end. When it was “back to the drawing board” every time, it was so deflating. I wanted to ask her, “Do you even fucking give a shit about me and what I like in the bedroom? Is there a thought at all about it?”. Again, I did not say it to her so harshly, but sometimes I felt that I wanted to.

    (3) Vericocele:
    Along with 15% of the human male population, I have a vericocele (left testicles adjacent). For those that do not know, a vericocele is a cluster of vericose veins in the scrotal sack (like a fork’s serving of spaghetti noodles). They can cause pain, discomfort, sensations of itching and burning, twinges, sharp needle prickles, etc. But it’s somewhat unpredictable how, when, and in what way (maybe not at all) I will be affected. It is for this reason that I, probably more than most men, want to be stroked in a way that doesn’t bend against the vericocele that’s in my sac and at the base of my rock hard, engorged penis. I don’t want to get hurt, and I want to be able to maintain an erection because, well, we’re trying to fuck.

    I know I wrote this comment “parable” style since I didn’t explain everthing outright and come full circle with the tie-in, but hopefully this view into my experience will she’d light and give you some perspective. And if you’re wondering, my fianceé and I have jumped this hurdle and this issue is behind us, 🙏. It only took about 3 years of hard work to resolve.

  47. Keyword for dead corpse he wants to get more kinky he wants you to be more dominant take lead and him sub. Or he watches too much porn and wants unrealistic things

  48. This guy really knows how to turn a lady on. Talk about bedside manner. We can all take a lesson from this stud. Want to get her juices flowing? Build a sexual brick wall between the two of you to really maximize her alienation. Then drive her wild by telling her everything she has done up to this point in bed makes you loathe the touch of her hand because you like to masturbate while dragging the self esteem of a beautiful woman into the dirt.

  49. Are you sure he isn’t cheating? I get the impression he’s been sexually unsatisfied for a while. I’m just wondering if y’all are really compatible.

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