We have been together for 3 years, married for 1, and I really cherish our sexual connection — its passion, intimacy, variety, frequency.
Along with our general goal of having a happy, healthy marriage that lasts decades, we also want that for our sexual connection. So married couples, what advice would you give so we can make that so?
There’s nothing getting in the way of it so far, but I do want to be proactive. My husband does have a physically demanding and time consuming job, and as much as I deeply appreciate it, I worry about it burdening him too much in the future. But that’s just one small thing — open to all advice and perspectives!
TL;DR My husband and I have a great sexual relationship we want to maintain for decades to come. How can we?
4 comments
Explore your sexualities and push each other’s limits in a respectful way. Continuing to think about what you can do for each other to provide a new experience. Explore, a lot and often. – Married 20+ years.
Start with good communication during sex and not-during. During sex focus on positive reinforcement when guiding him how to please you and unless you’re role playing something stay away from any kind of negative feedback. When you’re not having sex talk make sure you feel comfortable talking about anything important and don’t forget to talk about unimportant stuff too. When it comes to sex matters talk about role playing, experimenting and each others fantasies but maybe agree on certain rules like “anything you do to me I get to try doing to you”. Also there a lot of sex stuff (like anal or bdsm and rough sex) that can cause real harm if not done properly. Always do some internet research when it comes to that stuff and do your best to ignore porn because porn is done for entertainment and it skips showing a ton of stuff that make it safe. Porn is also about what LOOKS good instead of what FEELS good and real sex should be about feeling good.
I would also advice staying away from anything involving other people on any level because more often that not that turns into a deadly minefield. It can work but that’s the kind of thing that can quickly end the relationship in a horrible way too.
Accept and understand in advance that sex will fluctuate in frequency. I think your question is trying to ask how you can proactively prevent a dry spell, but I think the better perspective to have is to know that dry spells will happen, and they do not indicate a failure in you or your relationship. The best way to keep the heat alive is to keep doing what you’re doing, and communicate thoroughly and with grace and understanding when a dry spell ultimately does come along. No accusing, no frustration, no negativity. The mistake I made, and have since learned from, was pressuring the absolute shit out of my partner as soon as we hit a rough patch and pushing him away even further. The damage I did to his confidence and our sexual chemistry was significant and totally unnecessary. Don’t do that!!! Go with the flow, listen to your partner, have compassion, and everywhere will be alright.
1) Keep stress levels low. Stress = lower desire. Keeping stress low means staying on top of housework between you, in particular, as the house is where sex happens.
2) Keep as emotionally close as you can. Feeling more emotionally intimate = higher desire.
3) Kids will wreck your sex life whatever you do, for a while, unless you decide not to have them.