So I met a guy tonight I’d been chatting with for a while. We hooked up and it was so rough it has left me feeling like crying.

I did it because I thought he was nice, but what he did was just like an animal and I feel completely violated.

Is this what I have to look forward to in my relationship life, as in, used and abused?

I feel completely disgusting. I don’t know what to do.

32 comments

  2. >Is this what I have to look forward to in my relationship life, as in, used and abused?

    No, not everyone is going to treat you that way. There is such thing as a healthy relationship where you don’t feel that way. Express how you felt around this encounter to him. If he seems apologetic and changes how he acts in that way, then there’s a chance this *isn’t* what’s ahead of you in this specific situation. But if he acts anyway but? Run! Get out of there. He’s not safe for you.

  3. It’s going to feel like that because you just went through something terrible, but I’m sure there are caring and loving people in your future. Take care of yourself as much as you can and try to focus on things that make you feel better, like your favorite movie or other things that help you relax. If you have any friends who you’re close to, you may want to reach out and talk to them about this.

  4. I’m really sorry this happened to you. Not every guy is like this, and nothing you did caused you to deserve this treatment. I’ve been in your shoes and unfortunately understand how you’re feeling. I’m glad you blocked him. One way to at least sort of filter these guys out is to have a date or hangout with no hooking up before you decide to take that step. Sometimes (not always) you can get a feel for his vibe at that point and can tell it won’t work out. I want to emphasize I am in no way blaming you for the way this went down just trying to help prevent it happening in the future ❤️

  6. this is all way too vague to provide adequate help. if he did something that you didn’t ask for (e.g. he slapped you), then that’s assault. if you asked for it, but he did it with more intensity than you wanted, then idk if this was block-worthy and you’d probably feel better if you just talked to him about it. if he did exactly what you asked, but you feel bad about it, then you should ask yourself why.

  7. Hello. Sorry what you went through. Sex should always be on mutually agreed upon terms. Most especially when it comes to rough or dominating sex. This is why the S&M lifestyle has soo many rules. Because sex like that is only possible when its mutually desired.

    Wish I could beat sense into that guy for you, of course I can’t. But you need to know you aren’t disgusting. He is for taking advantage of you and changing “the deal ” like that.

    You asked what to do at the end of your message which is the only reason why I will write the following.

    You need to take the power back in your sexual life. I know that people outside the bedroom scenes aren’t into this but whether its with swingers or with the fetish crowd. I mean the scene of people who fuck and or fuck a lot of strangers.

    What we / they do is we discuss sex ahead of time. Our expectations, our wants, our desires, safe words and boundaries.

    People who aren’t used to this sort of thing, think that its a turn off and yeah it quite frankly can be. When it is a turn off it is precisely because we find out we just are not compatible with that person. People tend to be straight forward in these situations and you can often sus out what people want out of sex. Like the guy your with migth have said he wanted to go animal or “fuck hard”.

    SO you can see that maybe it would have been a good thing that he would have turned you off.

    However most of the time these sort of chats are very exciting and big turn ons for everyone involved. Hell even with longtime partners its still fun, my wife and me always discuss what sorta sex we are looking for almost every time. It can be as little as “Slow and sensual” or “Rough and dominating”.

    So again because you asked. In the future safe guard your sexual experience by talking about what you want out of sex beforehand while its still easier to get out of it. Also talking about it will get easier every time you go on a date.

  8. This sounds like a really awful experience.

    I don’t know if you’re comfortable interacting with him at all after this (it’s okay if you’re not) but if you are, it might be worth communicating to him how you feel. It’s not clear to me whether he knows or realizes how traumatized you are by this experience, and if he genuinely does not know, it might be useful to tell him that. This is a different question from him knowing but not caring. The fact that you say he seemed nice, suggests that he might just not know, although it’s not clear if this is the case because he also could have been deceptive.

    I don’t know the details of what happened, but even if you consented to sex, if it was really that bad an experience I would probably at best put your experience into an gray area of “dubious consent” (dubcon)…i.e. maybe you consented to having sex but you had a picture in your head of what that would look like and you did not specifically consent to rough sex or to other specific degrading acts that he did, in which case it starts to get into the non-consensual zone.

    I have had some experiences like yours where like…I expect one thing going in and then the person is much more pushy/aggressive or does specific things without asking, and while it started out consensual, at some point it became either non-consensual or “dubcon”.

    In my case, I started feeling better when I got the “dubcon” label because in the past I had been concerned with categorizing stuff as either consensual or not and I would beat myself up with things like: “Should I have said no more clearly? Should I have been more explicit about saying I wasn’t enjoying things, felt uncomfortable, or wanted to stop?” or so on.

    It’s good to ask questions like this moving forward, like to be more assertive in the future, but it’s not useful to beat yourself up about the past. I also think that every person has a responsibility to partners, especially if they are having sex with them for the first time, to check in with their partner, and it sounds from what you say like he did not check in with you and that he may have treated you like an object once things started.

    I think you are going to heal from this experience. The most important thing is not to beat yourself up, and to try to process what happened to better understand it so you can learn from it and possibly prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future. You can decide whether or not you want to communicate with this guy. It might be worth doing it, if it could make him realize how badly he hurt you, when he didn’t realize, and this could prevent him from doing it to someone else in the future. If you talk to him and he reacts negatively, this also is not necessarily a bad outcome for you because if he does, you will gain valuable insight of how to spot and identify people who do not care about your well-being, so you can avoid these people in the future.

    You might want to focus on processing the experience first though, I find it is hard for me to initially confront this stuff.

    I was sexually assaulted by someone and I was not ready to talk about it for some time, but eventually I actually met up with the person and we talked about what happened and it got some good closure because I was very confident after the conversation that the person *would not do it again*, because we both understood exactly how and why it happened and how to prevent it.

    I also had another bad experience that was more a “dubcon” type situation, where I confronted the person, but the other person was defensive and the conversation did not go well. I cut off contact after that point. In hindsight, I got some insights that I think helped me avoid ever getting into that sort of situation again.

    So yeah. Hang in there, I know you feel very bad right now but you are going to feel better, and you are going to have positive sexual experiences with other people, and you are even going to learn from this bad experience in a way that will make it more likely that future encounters go much better.

  9. I can assure that there are men who are gentle and kind. They use a slow and soft touch with their lady. You have every right to feel violated. I am sorry this happened to you. You could talk to one of the nonprofit sexual assault organizations in more detail to get some professional help. You can find them via the internet. They are professionals at dealing with sexual abuse and are on your side.

  10. what he did was abuse. being that rough without prior consent is not ok.
    If you are in the US, you can call this line and talk through your feelings in a safe way https://www.rainn.org

  12. I’m sorry to hear about your unpleasant experience. Everyone is different. I highly recommend that you communicate (even if you think it’s unpleasant/rude) beforehand so you both have an understanding and are compatible with each other. If your partner ignores you it’s time for you to move on.

  13. I would say he isn’t very receptive to your wants and needs. He should of noticed at some point that you weren’t enjoying it that rough and he should of taken it down a notch. Nothing wrong with rough play, but for me I love it only because my wide enjoys it so damn much.

  18. >I did it because I thought he was nice, but what he did was just like an animal and I feel completely violated.

    I have just recently another post from a saying that she had hooked up with a nerdy friend that she didn’t really expect much in terms of sex and he was rough, dominant, degraded her, and she was completely in bliss over it. It had been the best sex she had ever had.

    I am not saying that what he did was right. He should have checked with you what you were looking from sex. Nonetheless, I think nowadays normalisation of all kinds of kinky sex is almost giving vanilla sex a bad reputation. If you are not bringing some kind of kinky sex, you will give a bad first impression.

  19. Everyone is different. Not everyone is rough. And if they are you need to communicate. Tell them to not do that or stop all together.

  20. Hey they are better guys out there. Don’t give up hope. Don’t. What you doing now, you have to be better. Work on yourself.

  22. I’m so sorry to hear that you went through a traumatic experience. Seriously, you’re getting some good advice here. That’s all I can say.

  23. i was going too rough on a girl the other day. she touched my stomach and told me to be gentler until she warmed up. i followed her wishes and honestly most guys will. just communicate next time

  24. It’s not supposed to feel like that. There are people out there who care, are nice and sweet and that check in to see if it feels good and such.

    You feel terrible because he probably violated your sexual boundaries and you were unable to communicate your needs. I’m so so sorry it happened. I’ve experienced it so much through out my life, and it’s terrible.
    I hope you’ll feel better soon. I’d advise you to talk to someone about it, your mother, a friend, a professional, anyone really.
    Also be kind to yourself, don’t meet him again. And next guy you meet, have the intention to communicate your wants and needs. Maybe date a bit, meet outside at first so you get a feeling of who he is. You can even tell him that you need him to check up every now and then if you have sex. Ask him if he can do that, and if he can’t then don’t invite him to bed.

    It’s always okay to say no. Sometimes we just freeze and it’s a biological reaction that can happen when we’re unsafe and scared. It’s not your fault.

  28. You are not disgusting and you should not have to feel any shame for what happened. I am so sorry this happened to you.

    It also sounds like maybe what happened wasn’t consensual. Obviously, you agreed to the hook up, but things can happen that change our minds. For example, you could just be about to have sex, and change your mind. You could be in the act and change your mind. If the other person removes a condom, then it is rape. If they start choking you, and you have not consented to that, it is assault.
    I’m not saying ANY of this is true (or not true) for you. But I am saying it’s possible that while you consented to something, that does not mean you consented to ALL of it. You may be feeling that way because you didn’t consent, and that has left you feeling even worse, because you’ll be thinking ‘but I said yes’ and maybe even worse ‘but I didn’t say no even though I was scared/not enjoying it’.
    “Yes” should always be enthusiastic. If it was rough, and you felt pain/shame/degradation, then it’s likely he was aware and didn’t care. That is awful. You were violated in some way. Please take care and consider speaking to someone if what I’ve written is resonating with you in any way.

    Here is an excellent comic that helps breakdown what consent is, and how consent can change: [https://www.boredpanda.com/consent-rape-comics-alli-kerkham/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic](https://www.boredpanda.com/consent-rape-comics-alli-kerkham/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic)
    I think it’s really helpful because it makes sense when you put it with other things, like borrowing a car or watching a movie.

    You did nothing wrong, and you didn’t deserve to be treated this way. HE has the problem. I am so sorry.

  30. These sort of things happen from time to time when you have sex with people the very first day you’ve meet them

  31. I’m sorry this happened to you and I’d say take some to really process things. No matter what he should have checked with you to make sure you were comfortable as a common courtesy of any good sexy partner. You have the right to stop having sex when ever you want.I wish I could help all I can do is suggest a more in-depth conversation about sexual preferences and to have safe Words. Also I’d suggest laying off one night stands for a while and try more of a long standing armament.

  32. Very sorry about this-what a pig of a man. He seemed nice but pulled a switch on you. This is not your fault.

    Remember to come into your next sexual encounter from a position of power. Don’t let anyone push you around-after all, a man needs YOUR PERMISSION in order to have sex with you, he is not the ‘dominant’ one. YOU call the shots, YOU allow only what you like, he should be trying to please YOU. If he doesn’t, stop everything and regain control, or leave. I’m using strong language so you can think of coming into a sexual episode from a stronger position, not one where some seemingly nice person gets to abuse you. Wear a cape if you have to, but the decision to have sex is yours, the decision to have the kind of sex you want is yours, so get your partner to understand either in words or actions, in no uncertain terms, what you will allow and what you will not allow.

    There is this erroneous attitude that I read about on this forum that women want to be dominated. If this is your thing and you agree to it, fine, but it’s play-acting, not real. And most women would be appalled at this taking place without agreeing to it.

    To assume that a man can therefore be rough with every woman in bed is a grave mistake, an assault, an idiot move. A man needs your permission.

    Your permission.

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