He (32M) and I (28F) stopped using any form of birth control or protection upon his suggestion. He wanted us to have a baby together some months into our relationship and since we’re both comfortable financially and I liked the idea, I agreed.
I’ve always known he had a kid with someone but he said they decided not to get married and I didn’t bother worrying about her since she never came up. I don’t look up people online or even follow them on social media if they don’t talk about it so I blame myself fully for not getting to know longer.

I’ve met his friends. We’ve gone on group weekends and I know all his close friends. I’ve spent a full day with his kid several times. He’s never given any indication that he’s with someone else. He makes it to all the doctor’s appointments. He’s met my family! Our lives are so intertwined that I don’t know how it took this long for me to know.

I haven’t confronted him about it yet because I want to do it in person. I felt like such an idiot when I got the news. My colleague at work was the one who told me about it. She knows his name and was surprised to see a friend post the wedding invitation online. I don’t know if she’s going to break the news to his fiancée as well. I feel so stupid to have committed myself to a relationship this much to the point of having a baby together and yet I didn’t know this about him. I keep thinking it might be a different person but his name is very unusual so I highly doubt it’s someone else. I’m so devastated and don’t know how to properly address this situation.

Tldr; boyfriend is actually engaged to his alleged baby mama and they’re getting married in two months.

42 comments

  1. Start the paperwork for support payments. As soon as time allows have your attorney file with the Family Court in your area. You may receive higher payments if baby mama is not receiving any right now. She will probably cancel the wedding when she finds outs. Then she might file for support too.

  2. Before you go and blow up a bunch of lives, verify what the coworker is saying is true.

    Call the venue to validate names.

    Best of luck, OP. If it’s true, wow.

  3. 100% crazy. Do you go to his home? Have you met his parents? Is he marrying his baby mama or is there a third woman? Lawyer up, my friend

  4. Something about this sounds really fishy OP. I get that people can lead double lives but often they do this by segmenting off everything about themselves so that you are in the dark on everything in their life. That always includes no contact with family, friends etc.

    The fact that you have frequently met his friends and family (though have you ever met “his” family beyond his kids?) etc just shouts that something is not right here.

    If you want somewhere to start, ask your co-worker to show you the wedding invitation.

    Something just doesn’t sit right with me about this whole story.

  5. >He wanted us to have a baby together some months into our relationship

    What does “some months” mean? How long have you been with this man, and why aren’t you living together if you’re going to have a baby?

  6. Tell your friend to not say anything. You need to show up at the rehearsal dinner. Walk up grab the mic and say, I wouldn’t marry this asshole, I thought he was single and he got me pregnant. I will be more than happy to take a paternity test. Drop the mic, hand the bride your phone number, say I honestly did not know, here is my number. Walk the fuck out and sue him for child support.

  9. I’d recommend not having children with men you’re not married to. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.

  11. Before you do anything drastic, OP.. VERIFY that it’s him and not someone with the same name. Social media, the invite, VERIFY VERIFY verify!!! Before you go destroying a whole lot of lives, including your own and your unborn child’s. Don’t just confront him without solid proof.

  13. If you’re not far along with the pregnancy it’ll be better if you seriously consider your options. Speak with him in person and bring a trusted friend who will have your back. Don’t let him talk you into anything and take control of the situation. If his fiancé doesn’t know, make sure she knows.

  14. I can’t feel bad for someone who thinks it’s a good idea to have a baby with someone just months into the relationship.

  15. Reminds me of the movie Office Space and the Lumbergh mix-up.

    Please verify if you two are even talking about the same people.

  16. Can you clarify what you mean by “some months”? How long had you been dating when you made that decision?

  18. So many things OP needs to clear up : how long have you known him? Is he on social media at all? Look at his phone he’ll have it all installed
    . Where does he live????? You’ve only spent a couple days with the kid total ? Where does kid live ??? What is baby mama name ?? Ask her maybe ? Are you guys gonna live together? Google his name any wedding registry will pop up. Ask the parents ??? Anything ???? This is ridiculous

  20. Check the knot and other weddding websites you can search his/her name and often there are engagement photos posted

  22. yeah you are an idiot for getting involved with such a jackass in the first place. You looked over the red flags involving him and his kid. Don’t let him off the hook with child support and grow a brain. You are gonna be a single mother. Learn the weed out the losers and sacks of crap.

  25. Hoping it’s a mix up, since a baby is involved! I can’t imagine having a child with someone that possibly has a whole hidden family!!

  26. I mean… I feel bad that you’re in this situation, and he is inevitably a POS if this it true, but you decided to have a baby with someone you’ve been dating for a matter of MONTHS, whom you’re not living with, and aren’t committed to?

  34. There’s a lot of information you need to get to the bottom of before confronting / accusing / breaking up. It seems unlikely in the extreme that he would have integrated you with his family and friends, while engaged to someone else he has a child with (or he’s a psychopath they need to make a Netflix series about).

    Verify what your coworker is saying and do your own research online. Get a friend to help you if you don’t have social media.

  35. I know this is 2022 but we need to stop getting pregnant before men can even commit to marriage. It’s always a disaster.

  36. How do you know the invite wasn’t sent out and then they canceled the wedding? Like my brother was supposed to marry his gf caught her cheating and they broke up after the wedding invites were already sent out because they sent them a year in advance.. it doesn’t sound like he has time to live a double life.. I think you should ask him before jumping to conclusions?

  38. You’ve only known this guy for “some months” and decided to have a baby with him?

    Oh, honey…

  39. Please do NOTconfront him alone. People can become terribly nasty when confronted with the truth.

    Verify the information about the wedding.

    Get a big friend or family member to be in the house if you confront him. Or just disappear.

    You are allowed to ghost him especially since he was never really there.

  40. This sounds a bit odd to me…. so someone just went and posted someone else’s wedding invitation online? Is this common in your country? I could NEVER imagine anyone doing something like this unless it was a groupchat with close people maybe

  41. Do as much stalking/investigating you can before you confront him. Get that evidence.

  42. I’ve been saying this for a while now. There needs to be mandatory mental/psyche evaluation before people should be allowed to date. There’s naive and then there’s this situation. All these posts have red flags littered in the stories, yet they seem shocked or surprised to be in such unimaginable predicaments.

    I hope this is a huge mix up for your sake and even if it is, meeting a man within months who asks to have a baby with you should be alarming to anyone.

    Hey, at least, you’re “comfortable financially.”

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