My boyfriend (26M) and I (24F) have been together for one year. I’ve always known that his “thing” was jokingly flirting with all of his guy friends. They’ll moan at each other while playing video games and even grab and slap each other’s butts and call each other obscene things. He’s effeminate and everyone assumed he was gay growing up. All of his friends were girls and their parents let him come over and hang out with their daughters alone when they wouldn’t let other boys do similar. He has only dated women. He told me that he experimented with men for the first time in college because of what everyone said and it definitely wasn’t for him.
This flirting with his friends has never bothered me much, but lately it feels like it’s gotten more aggressive. Recently we were out on a walk with one of his friends and my boyfriend grabbed the friend’s nipples through his shirt and fondled them for a good few seconds as we said goodbye. It made me feel sick because he did it exactly the way he does to me before we have sex. I was grossed out and got mad at him and told him I didn’t want to see that. He apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again.
Last night we were hanging out with some different friends (Jake and Bri) at our house and I was lying with my head in his lap, facing away from the friends. He had used some more-obscene-than-usual names for his friend this time, for example calling him “Jake cummy butt.” God, I hated typing that, Imao. He reached for my hand and put my fingers in his mouth and sucked on them. I found out after about a minute of this that he had been making purposeful eye contact with Jake the entire time. I immediately yanked my hand away and hopped off the couch.
Our friends went home and I felt disgusted. Bri knew I was upset and was also angry at both of them. He apologized but moved on quickly afterward and tried to initiate sex with me, which I turned down. I didn’t even want him to touch me and I slept on the couch. This feeling was similar to the one I had during the first situation but worse because I was unknowingly involved. The whole time I thought he was trying to be cute and turn me on but it was only a joke for someone else.
All of this is compounded by the fact that he constantly jokes and talks about sex with his friends but is the low libido partner in our relationship. I get turned down all the time for sex and then the energy he does put into it goes to all his guy friends?! Or he’ll touch me throughout the day when it’s been a while since we’ve had sex and then we finally get to bed and I start kissing him and he says “not tonight babe.” After a whole day of getting me worked up and making promises and a week before that of me being horny and him not.
When we do have sex, he’ll make jokes about that being my “dick for the week” since it’s Sunday night, or if we already have earlier in the week and I try to initiate, he goes “Again? But we already did it Sunday—.” like I’m some sort of discouraging chore that he has to take care of. I’d love to have sex every day if it was up to me. We just went on vacation to celebrate our first anniversary and only had sex one time over the 10 days we were gone. We even argued about it and his reasoning was that he wanted to spend every bit of vacation doing things we don’t get to do at home. I was thinking, “Well, sex is one…” I give him unsolicited blowjobs about once a week that he always enthusiastically accepts. He’s gone down on me maybe 3-4 times, and most of those I had to ask.
He cheated in a past relationship with another woman, but that was right after high school an he swears he’s a different man now. I’m not necessarily concerned that he would cheat on me with one of these men, but I think I am jealous that they’re getting attention that I want and I’m angry that I and others have asked him to stop acting like this and he hasn’t. The only friend he listened to about stopping was the one who’s bigger than him. But, to be fair, the only others asking him to stop are the girlfriends of these men (like Bri)-the men themselves seem to enjoy and encourage it. The verbal stuff doesn’t bother me, but lately it feels like it’s escalating and even the verbal stuff is getting worse.
Am I justified in being angry and disgusted? How should I talk to him about any of this? What should I do?
TL;DR – Boyfriend is obsessed with flirting verbally and physically with all his guy friends and recently used me to do it. He talks/jokes about sex with them all the time, meanwhile turns me down for sex consistently. I’m upset and even a little jealous. How do I talk about this with him? What should I do?
4 comments
The fact your sexually rejected and sexual acts such as oral isn’t reciprocated back regularly is already selfish and enough to leave someone on the grounds of sexual compatibility and even if he is bisexual you should be priority.
I am married and bisexual but I am not slapping my friends butts and fondling there nipples and making eye contact blowjob gestures at them to let them know I’m down if u want it I definitely don’t reject my wife’s sexual needs and I am concerned there is something behind the scenes your unware about or too naive to think about cause that man seems off as if he is looking for opportunities disguising it as a joke.
His behavior is sexually inappropriate and crossing too much boundaries and you have every right to question him, I wouldn’t know what to say cause my first response is are you sure your not gay using me to look normal.
Sounds like these guys are playing an extreme game of gay chicken.
Honestly, one of my friend groups is like this but it’s all in good fun. I wouldn’t take it so seriously until it becomes a problem.
It already seems like there are other issues to resolve between the two of you before you even go that far.
He is immature.
It seems you have tried to set boundaries etc and he is unwilling to follow them.
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
i’m sorry, but it rlly sounds like u need to leave this relationship. not only does it sound like he’s using u as a beard, it sounds like he doesn’t respect u or ur boundaries. and even if he’s not gay, the libido differences between u two are incompatible. i hope u find someone better!