What is your experience with a partner with extremely low self esteem?

16 comments

  1. Cheating repeatedly getting caught having a ton of debt just generally being a miserable asswhole gaslighting. Demanding to get married or you don’t feel adequate probably has something to do with why it’s not working out. It’s not always bc your partner has low self esteem it’s the way you did/ continue to treat them or have lost their trust

  3. All bad, wouldn’t do it again. I don’t have low self esteem issues I’m expecting to dump on a partner and require the same in return.

    He was irrationally jealous like “did you just look at that guy on the train because he’s xyz and I’m not and you like guys like that!!!???” or accusing me or holding hands with a (gay male) friend because I sat near him up catch up at a loud and crowded party. Also needed tons of excessive reassuring about his penis size because he thought he was small (when he absolutely was not). We broke up for many reasons but one of the final straws was him demanding I text him while he’s at work where he could have his phone but wasn’t allowed to use it and when I told him I would not he quit the job.

    Toxic insecurities and low self esteem manifest in tons of different ways but it’s not something I’m willing to suffer through.

  4. It friggin SUCKS. Everything becomes about them even when it’s not about them. From the smallest things to the largest.

    It’s exhausting.

  5. My ex boyfriend in high school couldn’t think or speak positively about himself to save his life, and it drove me insane. I felt like a failure for not giving him confidence, thinking if I loved him properly he wouldn’t be like this. I was convinced that I alone could cure him of anything wrong with him, through sheer force of will. I would stay up all night on the phone with him, and let my grades and the rest of my social life slip trying to distract him from negative thoughts. I would constantly compliment him, try to flood his brain with messages of how worthy he was. I got him more gifts for Christmas alone than I got my family and friends combined during our entire 8 month relationship. We talked baby names, for fucks sake. I thought he was a highly talented writer, and I forget what brass instrument he played, but he sounded great on it. Maybe he was, maybe it was just the warped lenses of emotional attachment. I didn’t feel actual romantic love for him, seeing as I know now that I’m a lesbian, but I really really cared about the guy, and wanted to see him recover and flourish and be there to witness it and cheer him on.

    As much time and energy as I put into our relationship, it wasn’t going the way I thought it should, and that got too much for me. He felt like an emotional parasite, bringing me next to nothing, and barely surviving off of my everything. A few days after I got out of the mental hospital for a suicide attempt (various other factors contributed to that, but I’d say he was a solid 25-30%), I dumped him.

    I tried to be his friend for about a week afterward, and it was a little awkward but I could tell he was trying to respect my feelings. Then he wrote me this heartfelt poem (far from his best work) about how the light in his world had gone out and he was left by the side of the road like a dog or something. Truthfully I only read the first half before breaking down crying and feeling awful for him, but then immediately realizing that, purposeful or not, this was a classic guilt trip, and it wasn’t in the best interest of the mental health of either of us to be involved with each other at all. So I hardblocked him on everything.

    I fronted to my friends like I hated him and was thriving without him, we talked shit, I had my “woohoo I’m single fuck you” phase, but I was so worried about him, what he might do without me, and though I was far from harsh in dumping him, I felt like I still didn’t handle it with enough sensitivity. I missed him – not as a partner of course, but I was devastated that we couldn’t be friends. One of his friends on a burner account commented on a post I made about a year after we broke up, saying he hated me now and I should never come near him.

    Granted, I wasn’t really a perfect girlfriend to him. At the time I didnt know how to properly address his anorexia and self harm. I don’t really recall what exactly I would say to him, but it was mostly some bullshit “power through it, you’re literally perfect, you’re better than this, why are you punishing yourself, you should be mad at the world that’s trying to break you down, don’t let them win, plus I’m here, you can’t still hate yourself when I love you” type rhetoric. In regards to the emotional parasitism I mentioned earlier, I can’t help but wonder if it felt the same way to him, to some degree. Maybe he was doing his best for me, and he felt like I was disappointed in him that his mental illness wasn’t magically improving.

    Long story short, neither of us had any business being in a relationship at all at that point, least of all with each other.

  6. Clingy and smothering. Dramatic, and always in his feelings about something, with his attention-needy ass. I’m pretty laid back, and don’t get that emotional about stuff, and don’t need constant attention.

    He didn’t start that way, but when he started to try to make me feel insecure about myself or guilt me, and it didn’t work, he ratcheted up by threatening to leave. I said, “Ok”. He was shocked. I was done. He saved me the trouble of booting him.

  8. They’re tortured and need a lot of professional help. Emotional parasites. Sneaky narcissism disguised as depression. It’s all about them and you don’t matter.

  9. Sad to see so many negative posts here. I have a positive one. There different kinds of low self esteem you can have. Can def be toxic and exhausting. Only if the other person just cares about themselves and has no willingness to change and just wanna wallow for attention.

    Most with low as self esteem wanna get better and need support. Keep in mind, low self esteem usually comes from trauma the person dont chose to have.

    My partner used to be rlly clingy and needed alot of reassurance. But once they got the support they needed all along, they are doing much better now and don’t need the extra stuff. She got the help they needed, we are doing great and even strengthen our communication skills.

    Recognize toxic people for what they are. But also recognize those who wanna change. Tbh some gave up on my gal after thinking she wanted attention for this. They ended up being pretty toxic people who just didn’t wanna deal with any negative emotions and were rlly toxic. And they were wrong. Don’t be so quick to assume about ppl with low self esteem.

  10. My experience was fairly good. Reassurance mostly. Showing him attention, especially when we were intimate, reminding him why he was sexy, and amazing. We aren’t together anymore but we stayed friends. I’m glad to have met him and help him through a tough period in his life.

  11. I would never do it again. He’d project his insecurities onto me. I wasn’t allowed to have friends, especially male friends. He was constantly worried I would find someone better and leave him. He would get upset about my past and blame me for things that happened before I even met him. It was constantly trying to reassure him and he would just get mad at me and not accept my words. If you can’t learn to love yourself, I don’t think you have any business trying to love another.

  12. unabashed jealousy and the incessant need to try and destroy my self esteem to match his basement level self worth.

  13. It drags you down, so damn much. Needing reassurance and ‘proof’ all the time, hanging their whole happiness on you and being negative and self deprecating has been my experience. I was young then and didn’t know how to navigate it, or how to help. Nowadays I’m in such a good place that I believe that just like I wouldn’t want to date someone who’s lifestyle doesn’t match mine because it means we’re incompatible, I wouldn’t want to date someone who’s struggling with their mental health since it’s also incompatible with my lifestyle.

    I do counselling for work, and as much as I am always happy to help anyone in my personal life feel better, I can’t do it for a partner anymore and also feel attracted to them, it changes tue dynamic to a ‘caregiver/dependant’ or ‘therapist/patient’ which isn’t sexy. I care about sex. I need it in a relationship.

  16. I think it’s doable as long as you set the boundary that you’re not they’re therapist and that if they need help they should see one.

    I always used to give little encouragement like complimenting them a lot, telling them to take it easy etc, but at the end of the day if they had a big issue they came to me for i just acted neutral and apathetic. it seems a little harsh but i knew that i wasn’t a replacement for therapy and they would’ve only gotten worse if i acted like i was.

    all in all though, that was years ago and today he’s literally a new person 🙂 super confident, feeling good, so idk who he found or what he sought out but it wasn’t me

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