Recently I met up with a friend that I’ve known for 4-5 years or so to grab a bite to eat and afterwards we went back to her place to have some beers because we (well, I) couldn’t really afford to go out and drink after we’d eaten. Now a few years back we had ended up making out a couple of different times when we were drunk but nothing progressed beyond that and we pretty much acted like nothing had happened when we sobered up. This time we ended up in her bed instead.
The thing is that she’s in a long-distance relationship with another guy. Though she does spend extended periods of time where he lives quite often, but apparently they don’t have sex. So I understand if plenty of you think I’m an asshole, I already feel like one. She definitely feels worse.
So we texted the day after and she said that we shouldn’t do that again and I said that we could just pretend it never happened. I have to admit that I think I’m beginning to crush on her quite a bit, but I really don’t want our friendship to come to an end because of this. However I’m worried that we’ll never be able to hang out again without things being incredibly awkward and tense between us, and that we’ll never be able to hang out in the future without other friends present.
I really don’t know what to do or how to act now.
TL;DR: I drunkenly slept with a friend and now I have to pretend that it never happened
7 comments
the best way to make sure the friendship survives it to sit down and talk about it, sorry but it did happen and you have to address it. you can even say you enjoyed it, you are happy it was her but that you dont want to risk the friendship over one night like that.
>, but I really don’t want our friendship to come to an end because of this.
The girl that you make out with every now and again and now also bang sometimes is not someone you can just be a friend with. You are interested in her romantically. And since she has a boyfriend, it would probably be best if you did back away from her for a while.
Do you want to have an intimate relationship with her?
You gotta get together again and see if there are sparks. If so, go for it. Get both of you drunk again, take her to pound town and after you sober up talk about it from there. If she agrees to drink and sleep with you again then she could be signaling that she is totally down for it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… you won’t fool me again. Or something like that
I’m not so worried about if you’ll be able to keep the friend, I’m worried what keeping the friendship without declaring what you want is doing for you.
It tends to be really bad for your self-esteem to constantly be hanging out with a “friend” who you want more from.
I’m curious how the “we shouldn’t do that again,” conversation went. Did she take the initiative about it? Or were you wishy washy and afraid and thinking defensively, and then she said that and you agreed? Because if she felt like she put herself out there (which, in having sex with you, she almost certainly did) and she then felt some reticence from you, she might have gone defensive proactively.
People do that a lot. “Oh, shit, you sound uncertain. ‘Uh, yeah, I didn’t want that, either.'”
So I think it’s worthwhile having a real conversation, if you haven’t yet. “Hey, I know what we said, but I want to make sure I put my cards on the table. Because if you want to pretend that never happened, okay … but before you say that’s what you want, I want to say that I’d be interesting in seeing what we’re like as a couple.”
And if she says thanks but no thanks (which, honestly, is likely – but you still need to have the conversation *for you*) the right thing for you to do is to stop feeding your crush. That doesn’t mean you can’t be friends, but it does mean that in the short term, you need to back off a little, not engage in activities that trick your mind into thinking “oh, hey, we’re bonding. this feels romantic-ish.”
Are either of you planning to tell her boyfriend she cheated on him? I get that it isn’t your priority (since that’s not the point of the post you made), but if my partner were sleeping around and potentially exposing me to diseases *during a pandemic and a massive disease outbreak spread by kissing and skin contact* I would want to know.
Also, if you believe her when she says she’s not sleeping with her boyfriend that she spends long periods of time with and that she just “accidentally” invited you over to her place when you have a history of making out *and* she has already displayed a clear lack of empathy or honesty in her relationships, then you’re deliberately ignoring a lot of facts slapping you in the face.
You clearly *don’t* think of either of you as an asshole because your post is about how to stay friends with this lying, cheating person, and not “How do I do the right thing to correct the awful wrong I’ve just done someone?”. You aren’t asking how to save a genuine friendship with a good friend, you’re asking how to keep your occasional sex buddy around so you can have another lucky “accident.” And that’s pretty gross, dude.
If a platonic relationship is extremely emotionally challenging because of your attraction, take a lot of time away, try to spend it with others on the dating scene, or just go do something to get your mind off of it. Easier said than done, I know, but you’re gonna be in pain if you don’t.
Thats your concern? Not the fact that you’re now complicit in having an affair?
And you want to hang out with her STILL? I’m sure that will end that well. Definitely won’t lead to an ongoing affair.
If you have any morals at all you’d at the very least cut contact. Really you should tell her BF.
Put yourself in his shoes.