TL;DR I still love my ex and can’t tell her how I feel. She seems happier without me and I’m struggling to move on with my life.
I (24m) am writing this as my first post so bear with me. When I was 19 I met a girl Lauren (24f then 19f) in the church choir. I still remember sneaking glances at her and thinking how beautiful she was. We were together for a little over a year. It was the best year of my life. I’ve always been an outcast and bullied and so I felt estranged from the people around me and no one had ever made me feel like she did. Seeing her felt like home. I’ve never felt that way since. I used to be the biggest romantic ever. I wrote poetry and learned to knit so I could make an infinity scarf. When it ended Inwas she shattered that I think that part of me may have broken. She said the reason it wasn’t working was because I was too much. I know I am very difficult at times. I have ADHD, OCD, ODD, and as an adult I’m starting to suspect I may have high functioning autism so sometimes I struggle to express things and sometimes I’m just a downright pain in the ass. I don’t try to be but sometimes I don’t realize I am being one or I can’t help it. I was told for years it was young love and l would move on but it’s been five now. I still can’t get over her. I remember everything. The things she likes and the things she doesn’t. I don’t eat pierogies. I can’t walk down the driveway without thinking of when we danced on it while listening to music. I don’t like the pool or hot tub because I think of kissing her there. I stopped going to church because I know she will be there. I avoid going to more than half my hometown because I don’t want the reminder and I stay away from hers completely. I have tried moving on with people I think I knew deep down weren’t right for me. Right after the break up I even turned down a couple good jobs because I was afraid to leave afterwards with the slim hope of having a chance to be with her. She has moved on. She has a daughter and I tried to be her a friend and I made sure to never tell her how I feel because I know she was with someone new. I know I can’t be her friend now. I’m just torturing myself. I found out they ended up separating not too long ago and every cell in me wanted to tell her but before I could say how I felt (ungodly hard for me because if I don’t plan it then I will be a stuttering mess) she started seeing someone else. I’ve thought a lot recently and I think I never truly moved on. I tried to tell myself I did but I don’t think I ever have. Even for a day. I saw new people and even lived with an ex for a year. It wasn’t the same though. I’ve actually set myself back years for a woman who may never again see me as anything more than a friend. I don’t know what to do. I lost the best thing to ever happen to me and years later it still hurts. I honestly just hurt now and I really want the pain to stop. One thing I do know is she seems happy so I would never tell her how I feel. I’ll take the sadness and hurt if it means she is happy. I just wish there was another way.