I (F30) have been seeing a guy (43) for about 6 weeks. We had great chemistry at the beginning, chatting a lot and enjoying getting to know each other. He seemed to have a lot to say, and also listened well. We had sex after our 5th or 6th date. I really enjoyed our sexual connection. However, he never initiates sex. He rarely initiates conversation by text or in person.
I’ve asked him about his decline in conversation and he keeps insisting he’s not losing interest. I feel like I’m constantly trying to get conversation going with interesting questions or sharing links to something I enjoyed. We talk throughout most days, but not much. I’m at the point where I tell myself not to write to him and to wait for him to say “good morning” or whatever. He’s good to me, and is a bit more talkative in person than text, but not a lot. I’m starting to feel like I’m just using him to satisfy physical needs (sex, affection, validation, praise) because it doesn’t seem like we’re connecting much. And he’s never once booty called me, or expressed a strong desire or urge to “have” me right now. I’ve expressed multiple times that I’d love him to ask questions, share sexual fantasies, etc etc. Is there something I should do differently? I don’t want to seem like I’m just using him for sex.
6 comments
You haven’t mentioned if he was initiating conversations during the initial phase. You just said we chat a lot.
Are you officially a couple?
I mean you could genuinely have a male here who doesn’t think much about sex. It may be that you have to consider that sex isn’t a priority for him, or that he doesn’t have a high libido and that he may be a mismatch due to that.
Some people aren’t into texting in general and some are more communicative than others.
Maybe he’s more on the LL side and is fine with the amount of sex, or maybe he doesn’t want to pressure you.
If it bothers you, just talk with him about it.
Could be any number of things. Maybe he’s busy all the time, or preoccupied with other things. Maybe he’s very introverted and mostly likes his alone time. Maybe he’s not very sexual. Maybe he’s afraid of being too pushy. Maybe he sees you as more of a casual partner. Maybe he has a hard time opening up to people and just wants to take things slow.
You’re never gonna know until you talk to him. Try to do it in a non-pressuring way, and maybe establish some expectations about what you are to each other. Seek clarity about his desires and expectations, express yours, see how much they intersect.
Sounds like you’re looking for something he isn’t offering. Not all guys will booty call, not all guys want to fuck every second of every day. If you’re looking for that, you will probably want a younger guy.
Some here have already mentioned him being busy or having a lower sex drive. You might also talk to him about the potential for feelings of shame. Some men have had a hard time with women rejecting them in cruel ways. Ironically, I was just looking at the blog of a man who experienced emotional and social trauma from it and he was talking, anonymously, about his psychologist visits. Your man may have been socially conditioned not to express those feelings, because in the past they’ve been deemed unacceptable. Ask him if women have been cruel to him in the past if he’s shown them sexual interest.