She dated this guy for 3 months and he broke up with her around Christmas. We all go to the same church. She and I started getting closer after their breakup because she started reaching out to me almost daily. She texted me more than any ex gf has. As I got to know her I got attracted to her so I decided to ask her out before we got too deep. She said no due to her not being in the right place emotionally.
We hungout a few more times after that but she’d just bring up attention from other guys each time. So I just lost interest in hanging out. At one point I told her that I need space. A week went by and she reached out. So I said “I have to honest with ourselves here. As I’ve gotten to know you I got attracted to you. I don’t think that’s going to change. I don’t think a friendship would be fair for either of us. So if you ever change your mind then let me know.” I walked away.
It’s been a few months. I still come to the church things and see her there. Always was friendly but didn’t go out of my way to talk to her. I’ve noticed her trying to get my attention more lately. She was on a dating app a few months ago so I know she was looking. Idk her dating situation now. Honestly, at this point if she was interested then something would’ve happened by now. Plus I’m very unsure if I would ever want to go out with her or even be her friend. I will not ask her out ever again. She will have to make a move.
She is starting to snap me more now. She always initiates. She would snap then just keep the conversation mostly about her. Just short meaningless conversations. Finally, I said why are you being quiet (really getting at why are you being awkward or what does she want)? She explained she didn’t want to bother and that she’s gotten too friendly with guys before and she’s trying to be careful (didn’t specifically mention our situation). I said she’s not bothering me and I understand. Then she mentioned getting a group together to go someplace. I said we’ll see. She gave me a thumbs up. I have no problem chatting with her but I’m not hanging out with her (just don’t really want to hear about other guys). I’m not doing this shit again. Felt like I was very clear about things earlier.
How would you guys handle this? I’ll continue to be friendly since we are in the same group but I don’t think it’s a good idea to hangout. Don’t think she’s a bad person or anything but she doesn’t seem to understand my boundaries or what my side is (perhaps I’m looking at it wrong). Just do t really understand why she is so adamant about being my friend? Im sure plenty of other guys will want to be her friend. Think she got the message?
4 comments
She probably likes the attention. If you want to go out with her, be straightfoward: “want to date?”. If she says no again, get rid of her for good – otherwise, she’ll just return to trying to get your attention. If you don’t want anything from her, just keep being civil and nothing more; if she insists, tell her you’re just not feeling it, or you’re too busy, or you’re looking for other things.
The way I see this there are three possible general train of thoughts she might be having.
1. She misses your friendship because good and true friends are hard to come by. Maybe your shared friends took notice of your distance and are actively trying to not let the both of you interact, so they keep excluding one of you from outings etc. Maybe she just doesn’t have all that many other people in her life. If that’s the case she probably thinks that enough time has passed for you to have gotten over the attraction so that you guys can be friends again without hurting you. In this scenario you will have to decide if you enjoyed her friendship enough to see her as a person who is not a possible partner, and tell her about your boundary of not wanting to hear about her love life – or if you cannot see her as anything but a possible partner and will keep feeling bitter about her not returning your feelings. If that’s the case, you should clearly state that as well and not engage further.
2. She is trying to see if you have moved on or if you would still be interested in dating her, because she managed to move on from her ex and is interested in you – but too scared or nervous to simply tell you and basically go from 0 to 100. In this scenario you should think about giving her some kind of hint that you would be open to dating her but will not be the one asking her out this time around.
3. She is gauging your interest in her without actually wanting to start something. Maybe it’s mere curiosity, maybe it’s something between options 1 and 2, maybe it’s malicious and she simply wants your attention or some kind of safety net in form of a backup boyfriend. But this way lays madness.
In all scenarios you will not resolve the issue without honest communication.
Think deeply about what exactly you want and especially about what you do not want in regard to your relationship and level of contact. If you do not want contact with her besides by chance at some gathering if she will not date you, tell her exactly that. But don’t pretend that things are okay if they are not and don’t string her along simply by trying to be mature or polite. And don’t let yourself be strung along by some undefined hopes for some future romance either.
Classic. Absolutely classic. Stay in the driver’s seat my friend. Make her initiate everything.
She loves attention.