I think I need an outside perspective on this and I am happy for your input.
I am writing with a guy online and he is really great. The problem is that he works as a mortician. Personally I think it is a normal job and I have no problem with this.
My problem here is my mother. She is schizophrenic and at the moment she is quite stable without active psychotic phases for some years. 6 weeks ago my father died and now I am the main care giver for my mother. She can do a lot on her own, but she has trouble with paper work and some days are especially scary for her. Sometimes she needs help to go to a doctor as she cannot drive herself because of her meds and she is afraid of public transportation. She is limited to places she can walk to or go by bike. So I help with things like this. Another thing is that I talk to her daily and most times pay a short visit to make sure she is feeling okay. For schizophrenic patients you only have limited time to react if they slip into an active phase before they might not coorperate with you to go to a doctor. So once a day checking is important. Especially as the death of my father was recently.
My mother is terrified of everything death related. I had to plan everything for the funeral and she is always extremly stressed on cementries. All of her active psychotic phases were influenced by death (e.g. Her father dying, visiting a terminal ill friend in the hospital). I am really glad that the death of my father did not put her into the next active phase. So her meds are working right now.
I am afraid that the permanent confrontation with death in form of a mortician as my partner could put her in constant stress that puts her above her trigger point and worsens her condition.
What are your opinions? Is it a good decission to stop talking to this guy even so he is great to take care of my mother? Or am I putting my life on hold and I should consider my mother less in these decissions?
3 comments
Does your mother need to know about his job? If you told him, I’m sure he’d understand and probably wouldn’t bring it up if they ever met.
The important question is do YOU like him enough to want to continue seeing him and have him become a part of your life? If so then go for it. I personally try to avoid partners meeting my parents until months and months in when we’ve established that we want long term+. Furthermore you can be vague about his profession when/if it comes up
Food for thought:
1) If your mother had an issue with every guy you brought home for one reason or another, would you be willing to live your whole life single?
2) Are you willing to give up your life goals/dreams to maximize her comfort?
These are honest questions you should ask yourself. Some people will say yes to these out of a perceived sense of duty/loyalty. Others will say no because it’s an unfair asking price for a burden of circumstance.
If your answer is yes, finding a SO is gonna fall second to her care and will honestly probably not be fair to the guy you’re seeing if you don’t really have time for him. In that case, yes, you may as well just break it off now. If your answer is no, you may as well give him the same chance as anyone else and either minimize what you tell her about it or be upfront and let the chips fall where they may. But this, I feel like, is a lot less about what *he* does and more about what *you’re* planning to do.