I’m not okay with it.
Seems like he’s not okay with it. He cried and stuff. Said some things that made me question whether it’s worth continuing on (something along the lines of “if we had more sex stuff like this wouldn’t happen”)
He’s not sexually starved. Outside of my period week we have sex at LEAST twice a week, and I’m probably rounding down. He seems to have fun. I’m having fun.
Anyway. I think I’m still in shock. I’m trying to decide for myself how terrible it is. I’m not feeling hopeful for the future.
17 comments
You probably shouldn’t feel hopeful because you are married to a manipulator and they never change. And do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who tries to get what he wants with these tactics anyway? Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do and I hope you decide based on what’s best for you. Good luck.
He cheated on you and then tried to blame you by saying if you had more sex, he wouldn’t have cheated? That’s flipping the script and trying to make his betrayal your fault. That’s bull shit, frankly. Did he ever even communicate that frequency of sex was an issue for him? Even so, that’s messed up he tried to make you feel you’re in some way responsible for his betrayal. Boo, him!
So he had an emotional affair… this is painful and I don’t want to minimize your pain and betrayal but sounds like this is more like a cry for help from him. He knows what he did was wrong and came forth about this than trying to hide it. I think he needs to see a therapist to help him root cause the issue of why he did this and how to heal from it. You too need to see a therapist about the betrayal and working through the process of pain… thats if you want to reconcile
Get into marriage counseling immediately. The sooner it happens the easier it will be to work though this. It’s OK to just want to end the marriage. It’s OK to want to continue the marriage. You won’t know really what you want to do for a while, and a lot of it is going to depend on what he does.
My wife had an online affair – sexting, nudes, videos, phone sex, video chats, the whole shooting match.
It completely was out of character for her and while I became suspicious and eventually discovered everything on her phone, when confronted, she didn’t make any excuses and acknowledged the whole thing. She was embarrassed and remorseful. She took full responsibility for her actions.
In her case, there were some underlying issues with her anxiety levels and how she coped with that, but again, she made no excuses – she knew what she did was wrong and she took responsibility for it.
The way out of this, should you choose to reconcile, is for you and your husband to establish exactly what is it about him and his personality that led to this failure or morality and ethics on his part.
It’s vital that there are no excuses and the blame solely lies with him.
He needs to work out what is it in his personality make up led him down this path and at that point, once he works out what’s dysfunctional with him, then he can work on fixing it.
It’s harder for you because you’re the innocent victim here. You actually have a harder time because you just have to accept that your partner isn’t the person you thought they were and then work out how you establish a new normal with them. Your partner can’t really do anything to help you heal, it’s very challenging.
Good luck, it’s hard.
Oooooh what an absolute bellend!
So what it is he had the affair and came to you because it’s likely that the person he was doing it with said they would come to you when they found out he was married.
He hasn’t accepted responsibility- he is trying to palm blame on to you. Even if the frequency wasn’t sufficient – HE DIDNT COME TO YOU TO TALK ABOUT IT. How could you be responsible for something he never told you was a problem?
He starved on an emotional level that what he means, not sex
My condolences. That is probably it. Had he brought up his issue with the quantity he desired before? Has he said he feels like you turn him down often? By the sounds of it you guys were doing fine and he wanted more. If you stay you won’t trust him again, even if this was a one time experience and he learned a lesson. But you’ll never know that and wonder wtf he is up to. Good luck!
>if we had more sex stuff like this wouldn’t happen
are you serious? He cheats and then tries to blame you?! BYE.
He is grasping for straws. Most cheaters do it. You hold all the cards here.
The fact that he isn’t accepting responsibility and is trying to pass the buck is just… too much. I’d recommend counseling if you want to try for it. But I don’t think anyone would blame you if you didn’t.
Put. Him. In. The. Bin.
Ya screw that guy.
Also, 9 times a cycle(rounding up) ain’t some killer number that should immediately make a man content.
My therapist recently told me about DARVO and that helped me recognize it in my marriage. Now that I know what it is and how it works I can change the cycle. When I looked it up, it says it happens in relationships with sexaholics/ porn addicts often.
Sometimes some of us get too rambunctious.
Anddddd that’s a wrap!
You deserve better than someone who’s going to cheat on you AND blame you. So if you were to ever get sick – either physically or mentally (hello, depression) – your husband is going elsewhere to get sex bcs he has zero self control? Fuck that.
I was engaged to a sex addict. My whole life was a cat and mouse chase. All the therapy, relationship modifications, lifestyle modifications, contracts & relationship repairing bullshit in the world wasn’t changing him. It was exhausting. So you know what I did? Packed my stuff and left and then met an amazing man who was as transparent as humanly possible (I have passwords to everything, we have open communication, hell- when I suspected something once, HE put a key logger on all his devices 😂) to make me comfortable. Go find the man who wouldn’t dream of cheating on you. Trust me, life is a lot more peaceful.