howdy! basically just looking for advice/clarity on a situation that i’m sorta in. i’ve (25f) been seeing and speaking with a guy (28m) since the start of summer.
he’s a resident and has his board exams coming up, and i have a semi demanding career and a bunch of interests, so we’re not all up in each other’s business all the time. but we’d text at least every few days, it was flirty and fun, and when we did go on dates they’re always super fun!
he would initiate a date but i’d end up planning it since he’s new to the area. he made a comment about how he wanted to plan the next one but just sorta didn’t? like still wanted to see me and asked when i was free but didn’t offer anything up in ways of suggestions so two-ish weeks ago i just asked if he wanted to get bagels and hang out on a saturday morning, essentially.
when i dropped him off at his apartment he asked if i could stay longer and have drinks on the dock next door and it was super lovely! again, great time, great connection.
he asked about my family, said he’d love to meet them sometime in the future, and asked when my photography exhibition was so that he could make sure he had that day off of work to come. he told me he wanted to have me over for dinner but needed to buy a table and chairs and said something like “this is the plan! 1. sell my extra tv, 2. buy a dining room table and chairs, 3. invite you over for dinner and wine.”
i said that sounded great but if it was too much right we could do something more lowkey, offered to make dessert anyway, and helped him put away the chairs etc. on my way out he reiterates the plan again and sends me on my merry way.
i haven’t heard from him since and it’ll be 3 weeks this weekend since that date.
i’ve taken this to mean he just isn’t interested, which is fine! i’m bummed but it doesn’t always work out. i just don’t understand why he would go through all the effort of coming up with future plans if he wasn’t going to follow through? why not just say you’re not feeling it or hedge your bets a little and be more vague until you figure yourself out?
idk if i’m not feeling it on a date but they ask to see me again, i’ll usually take a beat to think about it after, so i always tell a date i’m busy and will let them know. and if i decide i don’t want to see them again, i let them know (kindly).
so yeah, any suggestions?
3 comments
It just sounds like he either doesn’t see this as seriously as you might or he just doesn’t understand that any sort of relationship (be it casual or not) requires two people to put in a little bit of effort and not just one person initiating. Some people are also just flakey and suck at communication and planning things.
You’ll never know, I Learned long time ago to shrug and move on from flakey behaviour. People are strange and have their own reasons for doing things and whatever those reasons are, aren’t going to keep me awake at night. Maybe you were a 2nd option, maybe he was indifferent, maybe he had other things going on. Maybe maybe maybe
Again, you’ll never know
>this is the plan! 1. sell my extra tv, 2. buy a dining room table and chairs
I suspect he may have gone over budget and needs to cut way back on dating expenses and frequency. (his including “selling his extra tv” in the context of buying a table and chairs, was the clue). Or maybe on reflection he’s not seeing that ‘extra’ tv as extra and rather likes it.
Or, as you say, he has board exams coming up so is devoting all his time and energy to that critical year end effort.
(I’d check in with him monthly)