My partner of 16 years, married for 6, has left me. He loves me but he’s not in love with me. There’s no affair. He’s just very unhappy. And I want to feel like it’s because he’s unhappy with himself and not me but I’m not there yet. He told me years ago that he didn’t like my hair in a ponytail. Today I wanted to know why?? Why? How did I go from beautiful one moment with my hair down to unattractive the next. Sometimes it reminded him of my mom he says and sometimes of my sister. But I was confident that I looked fine. But now I think big forehead? Big nose? We argue so much over things that I wish I can were stupid but they weren’t. Small things mattered. He doesn’t know when he fell out of love with me. He doesn’t know if he ever loved me. He’s in therapy now and for that I’m glad for him. He has had a lot of problems. But he’s left me now and I’m heartbroken and confused. A man should love me whether my hair is up or down, whether I’m thin or fat. I don’t know what his expectations are of what love is but I felt it with him. I feel like this isn’t fair. That I should have had an opportunity to fix it. But what then? Lose myself and worry about just him?? Why am I still holding on when he’s fine to just let me go. What do I do?
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This is a terrible thing to experience. Based on your account, it’s sounds very much like these are his issues into which you have been unfortunately dragged. You should also see a therapist to process this and emerge stronger once this chapter is closed.
My wife said similar things to me. I think you can fall out of love with a person for a lot of reasons. I think the hardest thing is that it’s probably not you really but probably just desires and wants changed. It’s hard not to internalize this though. I mean he left you so you want to know what’s wrong with you. I can only say that if he doesn’t want to work on it then you need to focus on you not him. You need to come to a picture in your head that makes you happy being alone and hold onto that. I think I make it sound easy, it’s not. I had so much trouble with this idea but I had to get there. We are working on things but I still have that picture and feeling of being alone. I hold onto it because we aren’t “fixed” and I felt blindsided. I don’t want to be caught like that again.
Mid 30’s, he feels life is passing him by, it’s called a mid-life crisis. He’s probably in a depressed mood. I’ve been married for 40 years, during those years sometimes I wasn’t really happy with my wife.
This does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. This is his issue. Please get counseling for yourself. Take care of you.
I’m so sorry. I know it hurts.
Oh Op.. Dont blame yourself for the little things. I’m getting the feeling that your husband has become confused with his own existence. He feels that something is wrong and is doing drastic things to change it, hoping that he might find an answer.
Sometimes you have to let the person you love go. As hard as it sounds. Focus on you, and getting through your pain day by day. Talk to someone (friends/family/a professional). I promise each day will get a little easier, a little better.
And at the end of it all, if he does decide to fly back to you, you will be in a much better head space to deal with all the emotional baggage he dumped you with.
It is because he’s unhappy with himself. Blaming you was a convenient excuse.