I realize it’s important to be autonomous and I enjoy doing my own thing. I’m very independent, but I’m also lonely. I want to do things with my husband sometimes, have him interested and involved in my life. Know who I am, be interested and curious about my life. I always have to go to him to hang out with his friends, his interests, his music. I’ve tried to bring it up to him, to tell him how I feel. I tell him I’d like to spend time together. I try to invite him to things I enjoy. It didn’t work so I stopped going with him. I do life alone now. He hasn’t noticed. I’ve told him. He doesn’t care… and doesn’t understand. What’s the point of being married if I always have to attend family events, work events, friend events, or all other things I enjoy doing alone?
5 comments
Sounds like something is broken, yeah. How long have you been together? How old are you both?
Your husband should *want* to spend that time with you… he may need to rearrange other plans, skip them altogether, but you and your marriage should still be his priority. Even after 5, 10, 20 years together!!
I don’t see the point in a marriage where you aren’t united as a couple and actually friends. Why commit to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t take the time to maintain that relationship, keep getting to know you and do things with *you*.
Have you considered marriage counselling? They will help you learn how to be friends again, how to communicate to each other so the other is actually listening, and how to resolve conflicts.
I really hope you find peace in whatever lies ahead. Good luck!
He sounds like he is happy in how things are and doesn’t feel lonely like you do, either that means you are unhappy and are needing a boost or the relationship is in an unhealthy divide or independence. Now you should be able to make yourself happy thats first important and if you can’t and you NEED someone else to make you feel happy then see a therapist. If he isn’t giving you In To Me I See (intimacy) then clearly the relationship is in an unhealthy pattern and the investment into the relationship has become unbalanced and needs to be addressed. If you can’t address it by yourself then its time to tell your partner we need marriage counseling. Many partners will be taken back by this thinking everything is great so why do we need it… well John/Jane everything isn’t great and you are ruining this relationship because you are not thinking of others in it. Is this selfish on their part… yep sure is but it might be a mirror thing they learned from their parents which isn’t healthy. When was the last time you both checked in on each other emotional, and not just physically?
You don’t have to fight this alone and if they don’t want to go then the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
You need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel. One-sided loneliness in a marriage can create resentment and distance. These are the things that breed emotional affairs.
Try to communicate these issues with him before you start talking to someone else about it. Hopefully, he will listen and take you seriously.
Regardless, you need to start focusing on self-love. Speak with a therapist to figure out what is really going on with you and your marriage. I wish you guys nothing but the best.
What do you love about eachother? How did you connect enough to get to the point of being married? Has the intensity of your chemistry changed over the years?
I would find it difficult to be married to someone who A. Doesn’t openly and enthusiastic discuss their feelings with me and B. Who doesn’t make an effort to spend time with me.
It can be a challenge to find common interest for a couple and I think it’s important to have other people in your life to do certain activities with. Just because your spouse loves you, that doesn’t meant they will love doing all the same things you do.
But it sounds like the issue is a lack of closeness and companionship. My fiancé and I just enjoy sitting on the sofa and talking about anything and everything for hours and hours. And we are not in the honeymoon/getting to know eachother phase. We ate just compatible in this way. We both love to talk and especially love talking to eachother.
If you enjoy eachother’s company then it shouldn’t matter what you are doing. We have a good time cleaning together, cooking together, doing groceries etc. Just mundane things. Do you guys enjoy eachother’s company? And do you set aside time every so often to just be in eachother’s company? I think that’s what needs to be fostered/reignited. If someone becomes your favorite person, you will be more inclined to do activities with them.
That’s why I ask whether there was a time when you didn’t feel this way and whether your relationship just needs some maintenance. Either way, he needs to acknowledge there is a problem and be willing to make an effort to fix it. Without his buy in, you won’t be able to do much about the situation. If he isn’t opening up to you, it’s unlikely he’ll be okay with talking to ‘a stranger’. You need to get him to trust you enough to use you as his sounding board.
Maybe find a therapist for yourself who can help you evaluate your relationship in more detail. Even if he doesn’t attend therapy, you can go on your own and get the tools to help him communicate with you more/better.
Love is a pretty meaningless word because it is subjective. If his idea of loving you is what he’s been showing you so far, then you need to take it at face value and decide whether you can appreciate it and feel he is making an effort. Love languages are more complex than the 5 categories that people often refer to. Do you know what his love language is and do you think that he expresses his love, in his own way, often?