TLDR: I am struggling with the best way to break up with my long distance BF, and don’t know if I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
So, here’s some background: I’ve been dating my long distance BF for over a year. We’ve been talking about moving in together, even looking at listings. We live several hours apart, so we’ve only been able to see each other every 1-2 months. 9 times outta 10, I’m the one going to see him. I’d also be the one moving to his state, which means packing up my entire life and leaving everything behind.
For the past month, I’ve really been reflecting on the relationship and I feel like it might be better to break up…but I’m struggling with the decision as well as the best way to go about it.
Here’s what has really made me reconsider moving to him as well as the relationship:
– I communicated with him several times (especially early on) that words of affirmation are important to me. It’s pretty much the only way I feel loved, especially in an LDR. Despite having 3 or so convos about this, he seems to do better for a couple of weeks and then it just goes back to normal – i.e. him rarely ever complimenting me or making me feel loved.
– Our relationship does not feel intimate at all, besides physical stuff in person. Most of our conversations could be ones you have with a co-worker, it’s that kind of surface level.
– I told him several weeks in advance that our 1 year anniversary was going to be important to me, and that I wanted to make it special (even though we couldn’t be together in person). I collected all of these love letters I’d written to him throughout the relationship, and put them in a scrapbook.
The only thing he got me was a “happy anniversary” text and we did watch a show together on the phone. We do the TV show thing once a week already, and this basically just felt like any other hangout.
– I’ve been starting to wonder if our personalities fit well. He tends to get really upset over minor inconveniences. I’m talking about things that most people would brush off or just not think twice about (unless they were having a really bad day). For example, he’s got pretty frustrated and heated because his dog, who is not a badly behaved dog at all, gets mildly reactive around other dogs.
By mildly reactive, I mean that the dog might get alert and puff up his chest, but there’s no barking or anything. This upsets him so much that he’s threatened to put a shock collar on the dog and refuses to live in an apt complex because the thought of “dealing with this everyday” would make him start to resent walking the dog. I actually have a pretty reactive dog myself, so this only concerns me that he wouldn’t be able to handle walking my dog at all.
There are other things too, but these are the big points. I have broken up with people before, but for some reason, the idea of this breakup just makes me super anxious. I want to be as respectful to him as possible, and I guess I just need a little reassurance that I’m not making mountains out of molehills here.
Also, if you have any tips for the actual breakup, that would mean a lot.
3 comments
Seems like you are both going in different directions. If you have this much trepidation about living with him at this point, its probably not going to work out.
The key to LDR is great communication and a deep understanding of the other persons needs. He doesnt seem to understand you very well, to the point where it seems like he’s getting lazy and just assuming you’ll be around forever.
You break up with someone by breaking up with them.
That sounds trivial, but literally the worst thing you can do is drag it out. You’re not happy. Rather than worry about the “perfect” way to break up with someone, just break up with them. Be kind, direct, and as honest as you can be without being hurtful. (e.g., “I’m just not really feeling it the way I need to.”) Spend a few minutes answering questions and then get off the phone.
Breaking up with him is the way to go. Maybe express to him that the relationship seems one sided, and you aren’t receiving the effort/energy you deserve. Packing your life up and moving is a big commitment; why should you do that for someone who doesn’t make you feel loved/valued all the time!
It’s probably making you feel anxious because there wasn’t an incident or event that led you to the decision, and it would probably be over the phone.