Basically, if there is anything important I have to do it. I could ask my wife 100 times to pay the mortgage and if I didn’t literally watch her do it, it wouldn’t get paid. She’d never remember on her own it even needed to be paid. She has told me this.
I feel like I do all the thinking, planning, and worrying in the relationship and if I slip up once, she won’t be there to catch me. If I’m sick, things don’t get done that need to get done. This recently happened and we ended up with no groceries for the week, no laundry done, and the house was a mess.
She promises to do better or to do xyz items and there’s only a 5-10% chance they’ll get done even if they are very important.
I love her, but this constant stress and uncertainty is killing me. I thought life would be easier with a partner, not harder. I’ve tried caring less about things being as good as I want them, but even my significantly lowered standards for living are not met (e.g. I would like the literbox cleaned every day, she agreed to clean it every other day, in practice she cleans it once a week after I nag her about it which I HATE).
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**tl;dr**: What can I do to make things less stressful with a partner with severe ADHD (she is on medication already)?
49 comments
Why isn’t she medicated and using calendars and tools? I am a 32F with ADHD but I can’t just will myself to not have ADHD brain. I have to work at it and be on medication.
You issue an ultimatum and stick to it. ADHD or not, she is an adult with responsibilities. She doesn’t care about the consequences of failing to do basic adult tasks, and/or she knows she doesn’t have to bother doing them or worrying about them because ultimately you’ll be there to pick up the slack.
You can’t make someone care enough about you and the relationship to do very basic tasks, the bare minimum. She has to want to change, and frankly it doesn’t sound like she does.
ETA: How long have you been together?
My husband is the same way. I can’t even imagine what if I slip once. He is in school so I’m 100% responsible for our household and his education financially as well as for keeping him on track for classes and graduation. I wasn’t sure if he had ADHD but your post definitely make me more determined about having him evaluated for ADHD.
Can you not take steps to lessen your load and automate bills like the mortgage? Set them up as direct debits?
If you’re relying entirely on changes like apps and whiteboards and they’re not working, maybe try stuff like lessening how much needs to be remembered. Direct debit the bills, maybe hire a cleaning service if it’s affordable, if you can only hand wash your dishes get a dishwasher – try and identify pain points that can be automated and made easier.
She may also benefit from therapy, as there could be emotional issues and mental illness which factor into this?
I have ADHD and go to therapy which helps me manage a lot of the emotional stuff which comes with it. I also automate bills so I don’t need to worry about them and this helps. Obviously ADHD is no excuse for not doing things – it is a factor, but the things still have to be done regardless so the person with ADHD must find workarounds to help them and has to want to implement them.
Does she see a therapist? Could you go to an appointment with her, and open up the conversation with them to help find solutions?
Also, how long has she been on this regime of medication? Perhaps is it time for the type and/or dosage to be adjusted?
Is there maybe some kind of disability assistance available where you are? I’m also autistic/ADD with issues in daily life, and there’s stuff I just don’t manage to do reliably alone. I got an assistant through social services who comes to help me once in a while. For me it’s mostly tidying but they can also do shopping/cooking, laundry, light cleaning and help with bills and administration.
I’m not in the US so I don’t know if that kind of thing is affordable where you live but it might be worth looking into.
My bf is like this. The only thing that has worked is putting events and reminders in phone with notifications. He makes himself lists most nights too for the next day. I often text him to remind him of things.
And on that note, and even tho I’m not married… I went and cleaned the litter box.
Maybe give her a chores list on a board by the fridge and she has to mark things as done…?
I know it’s stupid but maybe it’d help ?
Take the hard approach. Maybe make a plan to stay with a friend for a day or two and let the light bill go unpaid and shut off for a day for her to realize. I get having ADHD but some things are unacceptable, especially when it doesn’t just affect yourself but others. And despite having conversations and her verbally agreeing the fact of the matter is that there is a lack of follow through. And it would make me question how genuine she is being when you have the conversations cuz there is no reason if you’ve really been trying all these different methods for there not be at least improvement. At bare minimum. It could even be viewed as disrespectful towards the relationship, especially because it’s causing you distress. Recommend maybe therapy as well. You may have to make a decision fi your love for her is worth it and the relationship or if it’s not worth it. It’s a hard call and only you can make it but you should reflect on that as well
As a person who has ADHD and a partner with it as well, if I know he’ll forget some important date I tell him to add it to his calendar or reminders (he also does this on his own) and from what I can tell its definitely working. Maybe try something like this. Also ADHD like most learning difficulties and disabilities it’s an explanation, not an excuse.
I have ADHD this bad as well. Yesterday I forgot my therapy appointment bc I forgot to put the new schedule in my calender. Half the time, I forget to take my meds bc I’m busy when my alarm goes off. I have a planner that I take everywhere with me and I fill it in AS SOON as I know what to write. Adderall helps me out a lot too but only if I remember to take it.. I wish I could say just be patient with her but it sounds like you’ve been patient for a while now. Maybe try another type of med? It took me a while to find what works for me. Maybe her meds aren’t strong enough anymore because she’s become used to it.
She needs to step up. ADD-victim is not a viable life choice. I have ADD my partner is not doing all the lifting.
Systems, rules, accountability- it is doable.
Start small but rules rule.
Sounds like she doesn’t just have ADHD but she may also be dealing with depression. This behavior is extremely common for people with ADHD, she needs to ask her doctor about getting on medication, she needs positivity in her life to give her drive. Have a serious conversation with your wife
You may find more useful info at r/TwoXADHD which is a subreddit specifically for women, they may have some helpful tools to recommend.
Who would have to do everything she’s failing to do if she wasn’t even in the picture when you’re not doing things you’re expecting to be done knowing full and well her strengths and weaknesses before you decided that you permanently wanted the entire package complete with a legally binding contract.
If you drive a car and decide to take all of the legally binding licensing registration and insurance and general maintenance for upkeep and 6 or 8 years afterwards when the car’s passenger tail light bulb jiggles loose and stops lightning up and when It happens the cruise controll also won’t work anymore, you don’t get to take it back like returning after a however long you’ve been responsible for it like was a test drive and you don’t want to deal with it anymore but you knew that it was something the vehicle was doing the entire time before it was no longer tolerable for you anymore.
If you didn’t like it you shouldn’t have put a ring on it.
Make her wear a hat with to do notes hanging in front of her face all day, that way she won’t forget to do them!
Hi OP, I’m hoping this helps you. My husband is on the spectrum with a heavy lean towards inattentive ADHD, and I myself may also be on the spectrum after being diagnosed with “severe ADHD” as a child.
I have to manage a lot of the important things in our lives. We’ve tried to-do lists, reminders, all kinds of techniques to help him and overall he ignores the reminders or the list piles up and he gets overwhelmed.
First things first, she needs to tell her doctor about these issues. If she is medicated and still having such severe issues, she may need a medication adjustment. Her doctor doesn’t know it’s not helping if she doesn’t tell them. She has to advocate for herself here.
Next, you have to look at how you’re approaching her with things to do. For example, my husband can’t receive a list of things. It has to be one thing to do, that task gets completed, then the next thing needs to happen. We often will verbally confirm a task, then I will text him a few hours later to remind him, and then he has to give me verbal or text confirmation that it’s done if he hasn’t already. He does manage a few items on our shared Google calendar (total lifesaver), but this has greatly reduced our stress. I was spending so much energy pushing and reminding him in the middle of another task, or while he was working, or just generally not paying attention. Have a morning check in where you confirm something that has to get done that day, pick one thing and only that thing until she confirms it’s done.
This should be much easier once her medication is adjusted though. I stress that.
The next thing I would recommend is couples counseling. I’ve been where you are. It leads to a dark road of resentment, anger and frustration. You need a safe space to vent these feelings without her feeling attacked. People get defensive and they shut down when they feel that way, which isn’t healthy.
Let me know if you have any questions. I feel like I’m waffling a bit and want to stop here and let you absorb.
I think what she is doing may be a form of weaponized incompetence. There are absolutely compensatory strategies she can use to step up and do better. It’s difficult and an adjustment, but she’s an adult and she has the responsibility to make an effort rather than putting the full burden on her partner. I think it’s reasonable to set boundaries and ask her to connect with a therapist who can help her work on manageable steps toward bettering her life skills.
I guess severe ADHD can make someone unworthy. Its a tough hand to be dealt and extremely frustrating for someone who cares about the effect it has on those around them. Constantly frustrating. And yet i was still the one who did all of thoae things for her. If she doesnt even care then move on man.
She needs therapy along with medication. You can’t leave important life altering chores to her. You gotta help and support her illness man, manage it together, work on it together, you’re married, you signed up man.
I have ADHD and my wife is supportive. We manage it. We have kids and pets, we are working well. But you need to treat it as if it’s your problem too. You both def can manage, seek program support together
Ayahuasca helped me manage my ADD- so much of it is unrealistic expectations that leave you overbooked and spinning out, and nothing gets done because you ‘should’ be able to…. The anxiety is killer.
Ayahuasca helped me realize if I set 30 goals I’ll accomplish 3, but if I set 6 goals I’ll accomplish 6- maybe even 10. But there was so much weird mental stuff I had to clear to understand just how badly I misgauge how much time and effort tasks require.
Im commenting on this so I can come back later and keep reading replies.
I’ve seen people use the bracelets to help with ADHD. Get bracelets with tags that indicate a task. She can’t take them off until the tasks for the day are done. It helps remind them that the tasks still need to be done.
You can add weekly and monthly ones and have different stand for what has and has not been done this month/week yet.
Use calenders and white boards to have a visual aid.
How do you forget to pay the mortgage? What did she do about paying rent before you guys dated or lived together?
I feel like she knows you are super on top of things so she feels she doesn’t need to work on her ADHD. Doesn’t she see you’re struggling? Doesn’t she want you to not be anxious?
It sounds like she is taking the path of least resistance and you’re taking the fall for it.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Mental illness isn’t an excuse for neglecting life. You’re already getting a ton of great advice, and I don’t have anything to add, but your feelings are super valid and understandable. I hope you two can brainstorm a way for her to improve.
P.S. My Litter Robot was the best purchase I ever made. I could never go back to scooping.
Living with ADHD can be so challenging at times i can’t stand it. I have forgotten about things I remind myself about. Some small some big. I once bought butter everytime I went grocery shopping bc my brain kept telling me I needed it. It never took the mental sticky note away to get butter for baking. If I don’t make lists I forget to buy things.
I have to stop and think if I had fed my dogs breakfast or dinner. Luckily the younger one is a snacker & I can recall from her bowl. I also forget almost daily if I took my meds in the morning and afternoon. I have a pill organizer so I can easily remember the mornings if I did or not. Sometimes I forget about my afternoon ritalin completely. I said 3 days ago I needed to make an alarm to take it after lunch. I still haven’t but think about it every time I take it after lunch. Why haven’t I done it? It leaves my brain as soon as the thought pops up.
I still forget what I’m doing when I’m slightly distracted and focused at the sametime. This usually happens in the foggyness that lurkes when my ritalin wears off. I recently moved and spent a good combined 3 hours looking for things I forgot I put in another bin bc I didn’t want them to break.
My bf is very supportive of my MH but I know sometimes he gets annoyed when I’m having extreme multitasking days/moments.
I found routine helps a lot on keeping ok track with things. I immediately put appointments with reminders on my Google calendar so i don’t forget them. I hate regular planners. They are overwhelming and end up unused. I have found a few made for ADHD/neurodivergent folks and apart from being a pad & not loose notebook refills I love them. There is also a helpful youtube my psychiatrist recommended to me How to ADHD. But all this take effort even when it’s routine. She has to want to put the effort in. I’ll admit its a struggle some days but it is what it is.
Start small and build from there.
If she is on medication and she still has severe symptoms, the medication likely isn’t right for her. She may need to try a different medication to get help from it. In the meantime, set up calendar events with reminders on several different times for things that are important, both for you and for her. The reminders can help give you relief that you won’t forget, and will help her actually have a chance to remember what needs to be done and when.
Listen, ADHD is a constant battle. I just got diagnosed, and even with meds, it’s a battle. As many people have said, first you need to look at her med dose. If she isn’t in therapy, get her to it.
But my dude you have got to reset your expectations. Giving her responsibilities you know she can’t handle and then being mad at her for doing just that is going to make it worse. She’s taking on too much to compensate. Source, I used to do this all the time. I felt like a failure constantly, and just dug a deeper and deeper hole trying to take on tasks I couldn’t manage.
Now I’m not saying that you have to treat her like a child, but you need to face the concept that she’s never going to be to neurotypical standards. You have to figure out what she IS capable of doing right now and help her with that. Yes, it’s hard. But that’s the reality of being with a neurodivergant person, you’re probably going to have to do more work to help them exist in a world that is hostile to their existence.
Maybe joining some ADHD support groups together will also help. Best of luck.
I am ADHD and I don’t think this sounds like medicated ADHD. I don’t know, but something else seems to be going on.
Please go to r/ADHDpartners – this is a great place for support from people who understand your position.
Tell your wife to put EVERYTHING on a calendar in her phone. And I literally mean everything: appointments, when every bill is due, clean the litter, take a shower by a certain time, etc. It is the only way to function and not forget everything. Also whatever doctor is prescribing her the medication needs to be checking in with her every month. Doctor is supposed to tweak the medication as needed and help her navigate this.
Is it possible the ADHD is an excuse for her to be irresponsible. I have high levels of ADHD and have been the primary person responsible for pretty much everything my entire life. I’m not calling her out but as others said, working through this condition is well… work.
ETA: most of my bills and such are paid automatically through bill pay. I realize that some people can’t afford to schedule their bills the way I do but I mean how does she function outside the home?
Does she work???
Just adding to the hivemind: I have bad adhd and am on medication. I 100% HAVE to put stuff on my calendar, set an alarm and I’ve just learned to do it right away. It’s become a habit and it’s hilarious how many alarms I have set but science damnit I felt too bad that I was letting my partner down by forgetting.
If you want to give her one more chance, you’re gonna have to say everything you say here. But, if you keep giving her chances then literally nothing will change. What will you do to hold up your end of the bargain, which could be ending the relationship.
She’s not on the right meds if this is how she is. Go back to the doctor and try something else. I have adhd and with the right meds I’m almost like a neurotypical.
All my bills are set to autopay for the very reason that if they were not they would not get paid. Automate absolutely everything humanly possible.
I spent $600 on a self cleaning litterbox.
Your wife has severe ADHD, it is a disability. If you reside in the US, that disability is recognized by the American Disability Act.
It isn’t about a lack of effort, mental illness or laziness. She has a disability, one that happens to be invisible, so it’s easier for outsiders to judge. So you have a choice to make, you can accept that you’re married to a disabled person and build a support system to help you manage what she cannot – or – you can throw in the towel.
Recommendations:
Get a therapist to help you navigate through the stress of supporting a disabled person, look for resources around you that help her with accommodations and make sure she is working with a therapist that is well-versed in Neurodivergency. If she hasn’t had a full assessment, I would ensure she gets evaluated for other comorbidities, as there could be more that’s been missed.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 20s, diagnosed with Auditory Processing Disorder, Autism and OCD in my 40s. Those additional diagnoses explained all of my lifelong struggles and paved the road for better support at home and work. So make sure she’s not missing additional diagnoses.
Also, make sure to automate the payments you need to make. Make your life easier by using tools.
I’m sorry but there’s no excuse to act like a child and not take care of your basic needs if you have ADHD as an adult. My husband has it. My siblings have it. They can all pay their bills and do adulting just fine.
I think she definitely needs some professional help. Definitely try not to be angry or argue with her about it as it won’t help the situation, and she probably can’t help it. Not that she should be excused but it’s not as easy as taking medication and problem solved for some people with adhd. Talk to her about how it’s affecting you in a kind way and ask if she can try going to therapy and trying her best to improve because it’s getting too much for you.
I hope she finds medication that works for her and also use auto payment and also you can set reminders in apps to remind u to pay x bill or mint (it’s free help keep track of spending tells me when I have a bills in x days) also have her get into the mind set of being on top of everything. Set up a family calender where there are notifications 1 day to 10.mins before event. Make sure to set reminders for payment stuff a week before it’s due then everyday untill actual due date.
Ugh I am you in the relationship but my spouse has ADHD too…they just won’t accept that it’s a thing and I medicate and actively use tools to cope everyday. It’s exhausting.
TBH I don’t think there’s an excuse for it. I have ADHD and it’s very difficult to live with, but living with it means you need to find mechanisms that help structure your life. I’m incredibly forgetful so I carry a planner around with me for EVERYTHING. I jot down date and times for absolutely everything and as much as it’s a pain in the ass to have to write everything down, it helps myself and everyone else around me tremendously. Talk with her and try to figure out ways that’ll help her remind herself of her responsibilities. A relationship is 100% a team effort, and excuses should be kept to a bare minimum.
P.S, I personally find having an actual physical planner helps much more than a phone calendar does. Something about actually having to materialize my plans helps. That’s just me though.
Damn, i’m in the same boat.
My brotha it’s time to B o u n c e . She works right ? She’s capable of that but not some simple responsibility like mortgage on time ?
Therapy ahs medication asap
Tie things to any regular activities — like litter box has to be cleaned before breakfast every day. Have her tasks be every day at the same time so she can develop habits. Maybe 2 or 3 tasks that total 20 minutes every morning before she does anything else, and another 2 or 3 tasks after dinner before any tv or computer or any kind of entertainment. Then another 2 or 3 tasks before bed. You can get an awfully lot done in an hour a day…
I cope with ADHD with structure and routine.
I set not just multiple alarms to get up for work, but multiple alarms to tell me to leave.
I have alarms set to put out the rubbish, and bring it back in the next day once empty.
Instead of just having a budget, I have a separate bank account into which a calculated amount is auto-transferred on payday for all bills, including for example $40/fortnight so that when a quarterly bill falls due the funds are there. I never touch the account, the balance is irrelevant as it is always the right amount or just above, and it runs like clockwork. I have multiple reminders on my phone for any (eg. Quarterly) bills that have to be manually paid and pay them immediately when a reminder comes up.
I have multiple reminders to report my income, for welfare purposes, otherwise I don’t get paid.
I fill up my fuel tank on the way to work on payday, so I always have fuel.
I have to live like this, but it works.
I am not dysfunctional to the point I can’t do anything myself, but dysfunctional to the point I would completely forget both everyday tasks and major mission-critical tasks – even leaving for work in the morning once I’m showered and dressed… I just forget.
These things help me manage my household alone with no external assistance.
I have ADHD, and while I understand that ADHD is a spectrum, the level that she is living with is not manageable. Not for you, and certainly not for her.
Being ND isn’t a choice, but she can actively pursue treatment, medication, etc. to help her. If it’s as severe as you say, and the fact that it’s affecting her relationships seems pretty severe, this isn’t a situation where you just try 1 medication, and if it doesn’t help, you give up. There are tools, there are psychotherapists, there is behavioral therapy.
So many options. If the medications and apps/tools aren’t working, try CBT.
I would encourage your wife to try something different if she isn’t interested in pursuing anything further, I would gently lay out exactly what you said in this post and that things simply can’t continue this way.
I saw a hack of some sort which was to get some of those spiral hair ties, and add a keychain reminder to it. So when she wakes up, keep them in the bathroom, and then she can put those on her arm and they’re not allowed to come off until the task gets done for the day. So even if it’s only 3 things a day, then you can try adding some more
Could you set alarms for her to remind her of tasks? Or once a week you can both set aside time to create reminders/alarms/schedules for the upcoming week! Even if you have to hold her hand or literally set everything up yourself it would only be once a week instead of unpredictable moments throughout the week
I have add and it sounds like she needs a medication adjustment and therapy. That is no way to live life and it’s very unfair to you. It’s is severely effecting both of your lives. What you’ve been doing isn’t working clearly so you need to seek an expert. Otherwise you will end up resenting her and she will continue to wallow and feel like a failure