I (38 F) am being left by my (44M) husband. He’s handsome, heavily tattooed, a musician, funny, and a nurse, like me. He’s a womanizer and has a busy past of girlfriends, hookups and an ex wife he’s always been too close with.
A few days ago I went digging through his phone and “violated his privacy”.
We’ve been together for four years and have lived together for most of it, it would have been our one anniversary this October. He made me really love him, like he’s really really charming. I now recognize I got loved bombed before I agreed to marry him. Elaborate bouquets every day, frequent phone calls and checking in, etc. He insisted on getting married, he said he didn’t want to lose me and getting married was the only path forward with him.
I guess, lately I’ve been extra insecure and not really feeling safe with him, so I went through his phone and Gmail. I’ve always thought I would be the type person to leave someone if I felt I had to snoop, but here we are.
He has a weird codependent relationship with his ex wife, they have a 15 year old son together and have been divorced for over 10 years. They talk everyday and I’ve seen texts where they reminisce about how they’re sorry they couldn’t make their relationship work. A few weeks ago a text popped up from her and I noticed that he started sharing his location with her. We got into a fight about because I felt like that was crossing a boundary, it took me asking four different times over the course of two weeks for him to stop sharing his location with her. He kept coming up with excuses like “ I just haven’t thought about it, I forgot, Its not even a big deal to me and that’s why I keep forgetting, blah blah” and on the last time he tried to lie about it. But he finally stopped. I know they don’t have a sexual relationship but they definitely have some sort of emotional dependence with each other, I accept it because I knew that about him before I started dating him.
Then I went through the gmail where I found an email he sent to his ex girlfriend that said “I love you”. It was short and that’s all it said. He sent it two weeks after we got married. She emailed back saying “lol, call me”, which I am assuming he did because he was out of town at the time.
Then I found a text to a 21 F that he worked with that said” it seems like I’ve been gone from HOSPITAL for longer than a few weeks because I’ve been thinking about you so much”. This was sent at the beginning of august. He said it was a “harmless mushy text” and not worth fighting over.
I was scrolling through tik tok one night and saw how to pull up old conversations that he must’ve thought had been deleted.
He had been fucking around with his ex girlfriend, the same one that he sent the “I love you” email to, while we were living together and creating our life with each other. The last texts I saw were from two years ago, a long time ago but it still hurts to know that someone can lie so effortlessly all the time.
He packed up all his stuff and left our apartment, told me that I ruined this marriage and he’s been a good husband to me. He said I engineered this to get rid of him.
I feel a lot of remorse and like, maybe, I did fuck this all up. I told myself I could have one day to crawl into a bottle and that’s what I did yesterday, when I’d wake up I would just drink to pass back out. I know alcohol makes things like this worse but I needed it that day. Today I’m dried out and going to work and I want to be healthy and go to the gym everyday, I’m not in bad shape but I want to be GREAT shape.
I feel like I have nothing and have lost everything. It hurts so much. I’ve never had a breakup that feels like this.
And in light of everything, I never asked him to leave, I wasn’t ready to lose him.
He got a uhaul and threw all his belongings in the back and left. Said it’s over. I blocked all channels he could use to communicate with me. I don’t want to be another ex girlfriend waiting for a call, text or email, which I think is the right choice but it doesn’t feel like it right now.
30 comments
Although it hurts deeply, you are 100% making the right choice. This guy seems like an absolute dick who manipulates you and others. He’s gaslighted you into thinking it’s your fault when it’s all his. The pain is deep and will hurt, but you will heal.
Snooping at complete random is absolutely an invasion of privacy. Snooping because you have some facts, rather than feelings, that you need to corroborate is a completely different subject.
Make sure you get a lawyer very soon. Chances are he already had one on speed dial. You’ll need one for the divorce proceedings so he doesn’t effectively rob you blind. (That may be less likely to happen as a woman in divorce court, but it *can* happen.)
Glad you found out now. Because sounds like you’re a screen for him to hide behind for awhile. Take care of yourself. He’s a player.
Just my 2 cents… I think it’s most likely that he was cheating or attempting to cheat, and you scared him.
He doesn’t want to get caught and deal with the guilt, so he’s 100% committed to turning it around on you and making you feel like the bad guy.
Getting broken up with by the person that’s hurting *you* can really make your head spin. I understand. My ex would outright choke me, and he broke up with *me*. It made me feel so fucked up there’s almost not words for it.
A good husband wouldn’t do this. A good husband wouldn’t be making you feel constantly insecure in the first place by chatting up other women all the time. A good husband wouldn’t overreact to 1 single event of snooping in years, maybe they’d ask for counseling, or they’d try to see where you were coming from, but they wouldn’t be so *eager* to throw you under the bus. I think he’s taking the out as fast as possible to cover up his own misdeeds, and it’s so much easier for his ego to blame you instead of himself.
Take care of yourself, you are doing good. Understand if you feel
guilty, those feelings are to be expected. Gently guide yourself away from feeling guilty, interrupt those thoughts, treat yourself, remind yourself that he was the one who was up to weird ass shit. And that his behavior was really extreme and honestly so likely to come from a place of guilt himself.
Also, let yourself be relieved. You feel bad now, but try to remember all the crap you don’t have to deal with anymore. God, won’t it be nice to not have to deal with someone attached to their ex-wife at the hip. To not have to deal with someone brushing off your concerns and acting like the way he talks to other women is normal. Enjoy the peace and quiet, which can be daunting at first, but IS peaceful after a while. No more drama, stress. You are free. Enjoy!
You’re a doormat. And he’s gaslighter.
The worst combination.
He was already up to no good from jump.
His codependency on his ex wife was enough of a red flag not to date him.
But you married him?
Oof. Yall be doing way too fucking much for me.
A spouses right to privacy is limited to the toilet. There is no right to secret texts and relationships with other women.
Only Cheaters high behind a “right” to privacy. A marriage is a union.
Your husband left because he knew he was caught. He was never 100% committed.
He was using your snooping as a reason to leave instead of admitting to you that he wanted to get back with his ex. Get a divorce lawyer and let him go.
Now file for divorce!!
He is lying that he set it up so he could break up with you.
>I feel like I have nothing and have lost everything.
But the truth is you lost nothing because he’d never been yours. You’re sharing him to a lot of women. He’d never been faithful. Now he’d left, file for a divorce.
You’re right to block him. Just remember that the marriage broke not because of your snooping. It’s because of his lies, gaslighting and cheating.
It sounds like you’re making the best of an awful situation and we’re all rooting for you.
Don’t let him flip this. It’s been overused, but this man sounds like a TEXTBOOK Narc. Love bombing, gas lighting, the whole shebang. You trust your gut and evidence and look at his phone, and find he’s cheating – that is NOT snooping, it’s confirming something you already knew.
He’s a gaslighter and was cheating on you for most of your relationship. You deserve better! I know it hurts right now but you didn’t do anything wrong, he lost YOU, you didn’t lose him. Good husbands don’t lie and cheat, do not believe his bullshit. You found out the truth and he left, that’s it. He was never a good man. Please seek a lawyer and therapy, take care of yourself, your mind, your emotions AND your body, do what’s best for YOU, not for him or anyone else. You will find someone better, someone you can trust. But be that person for yourself first, right now.
Depending on the state, when divorce comes up, talk to your lawyer about what it can mean for you that he packed up and left the home. Since he voluntarily left, sometimes that can mean, and I’m simplifying a LOT, that he gave up rights to the house to you. So. Silver linings ❤️ I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and you deserve so much better. None of what he did to you is normal, you’re not overreacting, and you’re making good choices so far. You’re doing great. Edit to add: I’m not sure if you own the home or not but I meant this in regards to owning the home.
**I wasn’t ready to lose him.**
You never had him!
**He’s a womanizer**
and he always will be
**have lost everything.**
Nope, only 200lbs of a lying liar who lies.
Be strong and dont give into his manipulation, because he is a champ at it.
This is classic narcissistic behavior. He turned it around on you to avoid taking any kind of responsibility or atonement and make himself the victim. You are a burnt supply, so now he is off to find another. If you take him back he won’t see it as a second chance but permission to do it again because he got away with it once.
Sounds like he already had one foot out the door so to speak. Just wanted a reason that he thought was acceptable for leaving. He probably went straight to her house. Think yourself lucky, probably get STI tests done just to err on the side of caution.
3 years ago you posted to this sub with the title “I think I married a bad man.”
Hindsight is 20/20.
Your intuition led you to finding out the truth – always trust your intuition! He ran away because he got caught, it’s that simple. The only thing you lost was a lying cheater and when you look back, you’ll see that you’re in a much better emotional space because of it. Focus on healing and consider seeing a therapist to help you work through the emotions that will come up from this experience. Also, get a divorce lawyer.
He wasn’t ever committed to you. He was ruining the marriage from the very start by cheating in every form, every chance he got. This is the ultimate gaslight. He sabotaged everything because he was incapable of being the partner you deserve, and then blamed it on something you did that, it turns out, was 100% warranted. Obviously it’s crushing to find out you weren’t loved, but it’s a GOOD thing he’s gone. There was a real and authentic reason why you didn’t feel safe with him – is because you weren’t.
lmao, not this “*you can’t fire me, I quit*” shit. Girl, don’t let him take control of the narrative. You snooped because you knew deep down that he was never really loyal to you and only you. Your one big mistake was marrying him in the first place.
It’s too bad you had to learn the hard way. But better to know now than to waste any more time.
You lost a cheater. Hope you kept the evidence. Did you have in your wedding did you have anything about violations of privacy or being able to keep secrets. Go in front of a judge and see who loses
This is just a bad relationship and i don’t think it’s recoverable. You don’t trust him, but then he’s not trustworthy. I think you should quit.
He is a trash guy, wtf I am sorry for you op!
Trash took himself out.
Change that narrative from he left you to you confronted him, he tried to gaslight you, and you kicked him out for indiscretions with other women.
Be strong. There are other handsome, tattooed men out there who won’t treat you like this.
This is a guilt trip. He knows what he is.
Assuming that you have busted him so he is in full retreat.
It was not you cheating.
He sounds like a textbook narcissist. Cut him loose and heal.
It’s so nice when the trash takes itself out.
He’s no loss.
You’re in deep denial my dude. He’s a narcissistic, gaslighting AH and you do not need him in your life. Mainly for the sake of your sanity.
He is gaslighting you. He sounds like a narcissist liar. He’s using you; his cheating and lying are the reasons why the marriage is over. Not you finding out….
Please do yourself a favor and call your doctor to get full std testing done. Tell them you want to test for everything.
Then change your locks and call a divorce lawyer and file for divorce.
And find a psychologist to talk to.