We have been together 1.5 year. We have our good and bad moments.
The bad moments are usually started with fights from his side accusing me that I give him little time.
**We usually meet 5 times week**. Most of the time, we spend more than 4-6 hours together and sometimes with sleepover. Sometimes we spend less, like a 1 hour walk. He still finds that barely enough.
**We also text each other every 3 or 4 hours**. We text for about 30 minutes each time.
I sometimes am very tired, or exhausted from work, or not in the mood to fire up a conversation. I of course chat with him, but I am more to the point or very concise or not that “always happy mood” and I will also try not to drag a conversation. I also will not send him first without any specific reason (like we usually do). This happens around 1-2/month.
**Every time this happens, he feels that I am “abandoning him”, that “I am getting cold” and” I distance myself from him”**. Which of course are not my intentions and I have explained that to him extensively – which he insists that this is intolerable for him.
He told me that for him to feel in a relationship, **if we don’t meetup every single day, at least we have to chat every 3 or 4 hours every day.** He feels very, very bad and cant tolerate if we do not chat so frequently. He feels that the relationship is being destroyed and feels me “distant”. **He feels that he cannot function** and obsesses over why I act like that.
**I,** on the other hand, consider that you do not have to be having a constant contact with your SO and that doesnt deteriorate the relationship. Let alone firing up a chat every 3-4 hours. **I don’t think it should be a problem if we chat 2-3 times per day or less**. And to be honest, I feel suffocated, anxious that I have to contact him, and that nothing is left for me.
He told me, that if I cant “fix that” **we** **cannot continue this relationship**.
So this leaves me with feeling like an obligation to either be together every day or chat every few hours or else…
Also, I feel that “my time” is nowhere to be found in a relationship like that.
Any suggestions how to navigate that?
17 comments
> And to be honest, I feel suffocated, anxious that I have to contact him, and that nothing is left for me.
So where’s his understanding about *your* feelings and communication preferences? IMO if someone shows this little respect for your time and feelings, they don’t deserve to be your partner. NGL he’s also coming off as very manipulative and a bit controlling.
You don’t navigate it.
You guys have some pretty fundamental compatibility issues. Let him find someone who can be up his ass. And you can find someone who doesn’t want to smother you.
It’s not a big deal. Sometimes things don’t work out.
It’s possibly because he is young. But life gets in the way sometimes. We have work and other obligations which do not allow us to CONSTANTLY talk. He will learn one day. Or maybe he won’t. Either way, he is not the right person for you at this point in life.
Move on.
Your bf look like he’s codependant to you. I had an ex who was like this and I really ended really burst. You don’t have anything to “fix”, he is blaming you trying to manipulate you, when is something he need to work, and learn that a good relationship is not about the amount of time you chat or hang out but the trust and love you have each other.
I would end it.
I have had a lot of the same problems he has and it has taken A LOT of self work and therapy to diminish those feelings. I get a lot of anxiety and texts hanging around not being answered for hours, so I learnt tools that are able to soothe my anxiety on my own instead of demanding my partner respond quicker (because that is asking way too much. It’s also quite selfish.)
He needs to learn how to be able to soothe himself, because asking his partner to do all this, he will never learn to be okay on his own, because he views it as his partner’s responsibility to “make him feel better”.
He needs to do a lot of work on his own if he’s still asking you for all this reassurance and even getting frustrated and upset that you aren’t providing enough. He will keep pushing away people and ruining relationships until he figures this out.
Just like I had to do.
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Wow that sounds intense to say the least. The lad has some deep rooted insecurities for whatever reason. I understand you though, my ex was very clingy also and wanted to spend more or less every moment together whereas I just craved some alone time, it goes without saying that relationship came to an abrupt end, it just got too much.
I could be way off the mark here but I’m not sure someone like that is ready to be with somebody else, sounds like he’s discontent by himself so he just needs constant attention. Me time is so, so important and so healthy, if that gets taken away it just doesn’t bode well.
I think you two need to have a serious discussion about this because it’s evidently wearing you down. Also, he’s not shown much consideration for your feelings so that’s a red flag to me. I think with all of that being said it probably would be better for you to break up, you’ll only end up resenting this person, trust me. Good luck.
>Every time this happens, he feels that I am “abandoning him”
Red flag. Don’t date people who say shit like this.
I bet if you agreed to breakup he’d backpedal. Seems so tiring. I believe I’m a bit clingy in a relationship, but this is an another level and I’m sorry you have been in this for 1.5 years. You must be an incredibly patient person.
He’s likely incredibly insecure and needs constant reassurance that you’re there and not with another guy or something like that. Let him leave til he sorts it out!
Are you really willing to deal with these constant ultimatums from such an insecure, manipulative person? This sounds completely awful and suffocating to me.
You guys are incompatible. He wants to be in an all consuming relationship (which is smothering IMO) and you need space. You’re going to have to turn yourself inside out to meet his needs and he is clearly not willing to give you any space. So unless you want to be the one doing all the compromising I’d let his needy ass go.
Navigate….sounds like you two are not compatible…Navigate to a new relationship
I am seeing some marinara sauce bubbling on the stove. He sounds like he is trying to control you with some emotional abuse: he is affectionate so long as all of your attention is on him and you’re accommodating his “need for constant contact” but if you don’t reply to his message in his time frame, he becomes distant, cold, and insists that you are the one to blame. Everyone is entitled to time for themselves. Life often gets in the way of the plans we would like to make, whether it be with loved ones, work, or ourselves. OP’s boyfriend seems like at best, an insecure man who constantly is afraid of abandonment; at worst, he is an emotionally abusive guy who will only gets worse.
>Any suggestions how to navigate that?
Let him go and thank God you dodged a bullet
He needs therapy more than he needs a relationship. His needs for communication are obsessive and unhealthy and he not only completely disregards your needs he puts the responsibility of fixing this issue on you.
God, this sounds exhausting.
My advice would be to find a relationship that suits you, rather than labouring through one that doesn’t.
This sounds a bit controlling & if you’re not ok with it it’s not ok. They don’t trust you & are not secure enough to leave you alone. Also they might be hiding something if they want updates on your day all the time. Sounds like you’re not hung up on constant need for communication. Some people are into the whole seeing each other everyday & checking in some people aren’t. If you aren’t leaving ’cause it’ll probably get worse…
I live with my partner & there are days when are schedules don’t cross, we’ll sleep in bed together & that’s all we see of each other all day, sometimes for days. We normally send a have a nice day text but if we don’t I don’t mind. We were long distance for a while & even then sometimes we’d send good morning/night texts & that’d be our only comms for days. We were busy. I don’t mind, I love him, I trust him & we’ll catch up eventually.
Maybe remind him that people used to happily date before cellphones/internet were a thing that allowed this constant contact to be possible.