How do you make sex (with your SO) feel less of a chore?

16 comments

  2. Exploring new things is good, but isn’t sex feeling like a chore a major relationship problem?

    Are you guys an old married couple?

  3. “Mojoupgrade.com was one of the best things my wife and I ever did. You both fill out a questionnaire about tastes, fetishes, kinks, whatnot, and it emails you both only what you matched up on. Doesn’t mention anything that was only one sided. Definitely helps if one partner is embarrassed by a kink or fantasy and doesn’t want to broach the subject.

    For those who have trouble: Seems best to use the url old.mojoupgrade.com”

  4. By being able to get into that mood and actually wanting it. Sex with a partner feeling like a chore never sounds like a good thing.

  5. Why does it feel like a chore? You need to ask yourself that question. What works for me might just be the thing that makes you feel it’s a chore.

  9. If sex with your SO feels like a chore, you might want to ask yourself FEARLESSLY why it feels like a chore. Once you’ve identified that, then you can lay ALL of your cards on the table with your SO and have an HONEST discussion of the issue and it’s resolution, or an acceptable compromise.

  10. get more exercise. It feels like a ton of work when you are both gross fat and lazy

  11. Mismatched sex drives can be difficult. I definitely have a higher libido than my wife, and it took us some time to figure it out together. I don’t know what it’s like to be the LL in the relationship but I can speak to my experiences as the HL and how we worked through some of it.

    I took it personally at times. Like, why *wouldn’t* you want an orgasm? It must be that she’s not that into me, or she’s turned off at the thought of sex, or she doesn’t care enough about me and my needs, or why can’t she just do it for me, or… a thousand other things. It was so frustrating, and she felt that coming off me, which obviously hurt the amount and quality of the sex when it did happen.

    What I think really helped was having a frank discussion about what we each needed and what sex (running the full gamut of sex, not just PIV) meant to us. She told me some of the same things you’ve said elsewhere in the comments, that she needed to feel physically close and the intimacy, but not necessarily sexual, that preceded our best sessions, and without feeling the expectation of sex. All things that are much more understandable the older I get.

    For me, it is (feels?) a *need*. Not just the orgasm (though the release is very important) but the need to feel close to her, to feel important to her, to strengthen the bond, to express the love I feel for her and want to feel loved by her. It took some time for to understand and believe I didn’t just want to “use” her so I (in practice we) could cum. Part of what finally made the point I was trying to communicate was after a bigger-ish fight we had. We had finally resolved whatever it was (I can’t remember) and were cuddling together. I felt so close with her at that moment (and in reality after any fight that we came together as a couple and worked it out) that I tried to make a move (that sounds sleazy, but you know what I mean) and she stopped me. I told her that I always feel so much more connected to her after something like that, that I want to connect with her on every level, and it feels like it solidifies that bond that we are a team, that we are one. Cheesy I know but that’s how I feel.

    That let her better understand what it means to me to be physically intimate and why I need it beyond just blowing a load (I can do that on my own just fine). And it made the rest of that discussion easier because we both understood the other so much better. She knew and understood my perfect number would be 2x – 3x daily and hers was somewhere around once a week. And since then (well at least until we had a kid) I have made a point of giving her what she needs (that closeness, that non-sexual intimacy, to be held and kissed with no other “agenda”) to feel loved and want sex; and she has made a point of giving me what I need (that sexual intimacy) more often, even when she’s not necessarily in the mood herself. And more often than not, even when she’s not in the mood for PIV, she gets turned on experiencing me getting turned on and we both “get ours” one way or another. Now in my mid-late 30s as my libido has dropped (to a paltry three or four times a week) there are times I’m not in the mood (exhausted and stressed from work, the kid wearing me out, or whatever it may be) and she is. I find myself getting turned on seeing the pleasure she’s getting, leading to both of us getting ours.

    I guess the advice would boil down to, have a completely open discussion about your needs and wants and in what numbers. Be willing to have a session totally focused on her, if she needs it more than you do. That sometimes we do things for those we love even if it’s not top of our own priorities. And be open to exploring whatever kinks you each have, so long as you are open and communicating about them and neither is going too far outside their comfort zone as for it to be traumatic.

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