My (29F) husband (31M) is very close with his family. He talks to his dad daily about sports. They’re very religious and my husband grew up in a very traditional/conservative home. Every member of his family is college educated. I, however, had a traumatic childhood. I’m a first generation college graduate and had a child in my teens, who is now 12M. I am no contact with my mother and basically all members of my family. My husband and I met in college. He took my son in as his own and they have had a wonderful relationship the past 10 years.
Because of my traumatic upbringing, I probably have a skewed view of family. However, my husband believes I should be closer with his family. Like, literally love them as if they are my parents. The problem I have is that I find them emotionally manipulative and passive aggressive and my husband doesn’t see it at all. Whenever my husband isn’t around, my mother in law will make subtle jabs at me regarding anything you can think of. She tells our personal business to friends in her church disguised as “prayers” for us. It would make my husband uncomfortable if I spoke up. I feel there needs to be boundaries and sure, I respect them as my in laws and raising a good man, but I don’t love them and I’m not close to them. Same with his sister, she looks down on me. Fortunately for me, she lives very far away. But my husband thinks she and I should be best friends and text constantly.
Besides this issue, our marriage is incredible. However, the bulk of our arguments are regarding his sister and parents. Am I in the wrong? I don’t know how to fix this issue without “bowing down” to his desires.
41 comments
I like my in laws at a comfortable distance.
They’re less toxic than my parents but still like my space
I don’t love them like my family and I notice that even though they’re nicer than mine, I have lower tolerance with in laws
Especially with criticism. I get more easily annoyed but with my own family I feel comfortable sharing my irritation.
I absolutely do not love them like family They are SOs family and that’s where it ends for me. I keep them very distanced at a very surface level involvement.
They aren’t my family. They’re good people but very dull.
Nope, I don’t. And I actually think insistence on this is toxic on your husband’s part. Have you ever told him your MIL makes comments to you when he’s away?
I don’t like my in-laws nor love them. You can’t make me!
We both love our in laws but we got very lucky and don’t think it’s typical
Mine are manipulative and passive aggressive, too. They have strongly held religious beliefs even though they’re not zealots. They’re nice on the surface, so I am too. I just act like I don’t even register the passive aggression. I drink a grownup beverage or consume an edible and then I’m ok and it’s easier not to rise to the bait or call them out for their crap.
It annoys the hell out of my husband that I spend the ride home reviewing what was said to the kids and correcting any of the crap they try to force on them. My MIL who is very good with the kids, does not understand why I won’t just make them go stay at her house for a week. I ask if they want to go. They’re 9, 7 and 7. I don’t understand why she thinks I shouldn’t give them a choice. It drives me nuts. That and her attempts at indoctrination which is getting to the point that I’m going to have to discuss it with her.
Hubs & I never had any conflict when we lived further away from them but now they’re only 3 hours away and that is too close!
I think inlaws are complicated. I can’t stand my MIL, my husband completely understands why and doesn’t blame me..I will treat her with respect because she is mom, he is under no delusions about how she is. I like his sisters, one we have had a turbulent relationship but we’re friends now. To me, whether I like them or not, they are family because they are my husband’s blood, my childrens blood. My husband loves my parents, we are both very aware of the things we don’t like about that drive us crazy. Having inlaws we don’t care for is no different to us than blood relatives we don’t care for.
I don’t love my own family like family
I don’t love my own family like family
I like my in-laws but I also dislike a few of them. They’re not my family and if push comes to shove they’ll chose their child (my husband) over me every time. That’s perfectly fine and normal but they’re not my family and I won’t delude myself into thinking they are. 🤷🏽♀️
I do love mine like family, but that doesn’t mean you should or have to. Mine are good people, it’s easy to love them.
I don’t love my family of origin. They were abusive, neglectful, discouraging and/or alcoholic. I’ve been no contact with my mother for 12 years, as an example. I don’t even know where she lives.
So the bar was on the floor for my in laws, however my husband’s family is wonderful. My MIL went out of her way to accept me as a daughter, I learned their language,etc.
HOWEVER
If they were ever rude to me in any way, my husband would shut them down. The first year we were married, they asked about a baby pretty often (we are childfree), he shut it down and they’ve never brought it up since.
This:
> She tells our personal business to friends in her church disguised as “prayers” for us.
is completely and totally inappropriate. You don’t have an in law problem. You have a husband problem.
I did, my wife does not.
There needs to be boundaries. You have a spouse problem here if he is unwilling to have boundaries with his parents. Secondly, you feel how you feel. If you’re not into his parents you’re just not into them. Passive aggressive, manipulation, and blasting my personal business to everyone else (gossiping) would turn me off too. How you fix this is you tell your husband you’re just not comfortable with them due to what they do, the boundary stomping, etc. and that HE needs to tell his parents to back off. Just because he wants you to be best friends with his mother doesn’t mean you have to. My MIL and SIL do like to gossip, but I don’t participate in that and that’s the only thing about them that I don’t like.
To answer your question: I love my MIL and late FIL. They took me in and accepted me. I was no contact with my mother as well due to an abusive upbringing. My husband does have boundaries with them as well. He’ll talk to his mother about us, but nothing personal. Things like, if we’re going on a trip or plans for various dates through out the year (birthdays, Christmas, etc.) but he won’t tell his parents about the fight we had. His father died in 2016 and boy do I miss him dearly. He was the closest I had to a father since my father wasn’t in my life growing up and most of my adult life. (I’ve met him and currently am no contact with him.)
There needs to be boundaries. Enmeshment is is not a good thing.
Edit: I have no siblings, but my husband has one sister. I love her, but she’s “persona non-grata” with us right now because she’s costing us money and even though we’ll be able to recoup it later it’s causing a hardship for us right now.
No way
She comes down rearranges furniture she messy and wears shoes In the house gives me dirty looks when I say the kid can’t eat in the front room because he couldn’t eat without getting it everywhere, cuss’s my stuff and offers suggestions to take us to a charity shop to get stuff. Our house is nice! Tells me I won’t care so much for tidying when I have kids (I’m infertile) all her
Kids have had severe depression from younger than 5 but she acts proud they just crack on. Erm no you’re neglectful! so no I don’t love her at all
I am a mother in law, daughter in law, and sister in law. I don’t feel the same about each in law. Some I love. Some I enjoy. some I respect. And some I try to shy away from as much as possible!!!
A couple of them might occasionally say things that hurt my feelings. But since 98% of their words and actions are kind then it’s pretty easy to shrug it off. If I didn’t do anything to warrant it especially.
One is really quite thoughtless and self-aggrandizing. I don’t like that one but still must spend some times with them. I have found it works best with that one to just ask questions and flatter flatter flatter. They have no interest in me so it works out pretty good.
No.
My legitimate MIL hasn’t worked a day in 30+ years, since my husband was born (he’s the oldest of 3). She’s the queen of excuses, everything is *always* someone or something else’s fault, and everything is “poor me”. She’s also a financial leech, and has asked us for money on numerous occasions, including large sums. Also expects us to bail her & her son (my step-BIL) out of any & all emergency situations they got themselves into.
My FIL has done well for himself financially, but is a neurotic freak who is about to walk down the aisle for the FOURTH time. He is also very much the “me me me” type.
As for my own biological family? I’m not close to them either. My mother was verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abusive to me while I was growing up. My father mostly chose to turn a blind eye to her behavior, and when he did “address” it, he usually chose to enable and defend her behavior, with statements like: “she’s your mother you have to love her anyway” and “respect your elders” and “she’s just quirky in her own way”, and “she doesn’t have that motherly instinct”, and more. Now, they did do well for themselves as well (international business careers for both of them, they both work for corporate giants), so they were also frequently absent. I was basically raised by nannies and nurses, thanks to an autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with as a toddler. I am VLC/NC with my biological family.
I love my in-laws like my own family. But my in-laws are not like your in-laws.
Your commitment is to your husband, not his family. And his commitment is to you. He needs to step up and call his family out.
I like my in-laws quite a bit, but I LOVE my family. It’s not the same. We married in our 40s and have known each other’s families for like 6-7 years. We don’t feel anywhere near the same about each other’s families as we do our own even though we like and get along well with each other’s parents, siblings, niblings, etc.
No. My in laws are chaotic, neglectful, addicted and flighty. I can’t trust them, therefore I don’t love them like family. I can’t love someone I can’t trust.
TLDR; I love mine like family, yes. They are wonderful people, who are easy to love. I don’t think think there are any shoulds in these cases though. I say as long as you respect the closeness your husband’s relationship with his family AND he respects that you come from a very different place AND that his parents are NOT your parents then you’re fine.
More background: I married my husband knowing he was family oriented and that he was close with his family, especially his mom and dad. I don’t interfere with his relationship with them but I did make it clear that he handles his family on behalf of our family and I will handle my crazy ass family on behalf of ours. That includes standing up for me against his and vice versa if it came to it.
From my own perspective, people are a lot more forgiving of their own children/parents. I see a lot of conflicts and broken relationships that could have been avoided if the parent/child would deal with issues directly with one another.
My husband was also raised pretty religious in the “perfect” all American family with a stay at home mom and a hard working dad who devoted their lives to raising good kids. It paid off, my husband and both of his siblings are loving and hard working people with families of their own. In other words, they’re the most functional and *normal* people that I have ever met.
I was raised in chaos. My parents were loving people who tried but were also complicated human beings with their own shit they never worked out. They divorced and remarried and more kids came with it. There was a lot of just crazy. Among my siblings and I, some of us have fared better than others.
Truthfully, I don’t love my in-laws like I love my own parents. They are not my parents. My in-laws care about me and treat me like family but not exactly the same way the do their own kids. Their three kids are their number one, no matter what, even over their own grandkids. I get it though my MIL poured her entire being into raising her kids so to this day she is a mother first. They are good grandparents. They’re mostly good to me at the end of the day. There have been some minor conflict but nothing abhorrent.
Wow apparently I had more feelings around that than I expected when I started writing this. Haha Hopefully it was somewhat helpful for you because what I am saying is that it isn’t black and white and doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
TLDR; I love mine like family, yes. They are wonderful people, who are easy to love. I don’t think think there are any shoulds in these cases though. I say as long as you respect the closeness your husband’s relationship with his family AND he respects that you come from a very different place AND that his parents are NOT your parents then you’re fine.
More background: I married my husband knowing he was family oriented and that he was close with his family, especially his mom and dad. I don’t interfere with his relationship with them but I did make it clear that he handles his family on behalf of our family and I will handle my crazy ass family on behalf of ours. That includes standing up for me against his and vice versa if it came to it.
From my own perspective, people are a lot more forgiving of their own children/parents. I see a lot of conflicts and broken relationships that could have been avoided if the parent/child would deal with issues directly with one another.
My husband was also raised pretty religious in the “perfect” all American family with a stay at home mom and a hard working dad who devoted their lives to raising good kids. It paid off, my husband and both of his siblings are loving and hard working people with families of their own. In other words, they’re the most functional and *normal* people that I have ever met.
I was raised in chaos. My parents were loving people who tried but were also complicated human beings with their own shit they never worked out. They divorced and remarried and more kids came with it. There was a lot of just crazy. Among my siblings and I, some of us have fared better than others.
Truthfully, I don’t love my in-laws like I love my own parents. They are not my parents. My in-laws care about me and treat me like family but not exactly the same way the do their own kids. Their three kids are their number one, no matter what, even over their own grandkids. I get it though my MIL poured her entire being into raising her kids so to this day she is a mother first. They are good grandparents. They’re mostly good to me at the end of the day. There have been some minor conflict but nothing abhorrent. When issues have arose, my husband deals with it and vice versa.
Wow apparently I had more feelings around that than I expected when I started writing this. Haha Hopefully it was somewhat helpful for you because what I am saying is that it isn’t black and white and doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
Edit: Also, because my husband and his parents *really* know one another and are ya know parent/child, they know how to deal with one another. They have a better understanding and how to approach things. And again are more forgiving! When I have said something in the past about something that bothered me, my husband also explained to me his parents from his point of view. Right….but I am not their child so gonna need him to understand me. Just because something doesn’t bother him doesn’t mean it shouldn’t bother me.
My in laws are extremely toxic, but I have a respect for them, only been married to my wife for 6 months though so we will see
I love my in laws like my own parents but they’ve definitely earned that. I’ve known them since I was 15 and I’m now 35. They respect and care for my marriage and for me. They’re better at boundaries and treating me well than my own parents. So yes, it’s the ideal to love your in laws as parents but your in laws sound like people you should protect yourself from and that’s never a good recipe for an emotionally close relationship.
I love my in-laws and like them very much, but I can’t say I love them just like my own family. Still have a great relationship nevertheless, although I would say my wife has a closer relationship with my parents than I do with hers.
You are under zero obligation to love your in laws. You should treat them respectfully like any other person, but anything beyond that they have to earn on their own merit.
I liken it to the significant others of my close friends. I am not going to love these people by default just because my friend cares about them. In most cases, my friends are good people and thus they date/get in relationships with good people. But their SOs have earned that friendship based on their own merit, not because it is simply deserved.
I do not love my inlaws nor do I even respect them. They are terrible humans.
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My husband does love my family and for sure thinks of them as family BUT it’s taken quite a few years to get there.
I do but they are wonderful people. My husband doesnt force that relationship.
Thats a boundary issue between you and your husband if hes saying you should be closer. Id enforce boundaries with him so its not creating issues.
No. I wish I could. I always wanted that closeness. They are narcissistic and there is a lot of codependent issues within the entire family. My husband and I keep ourselves distanced and it’s better this way. We see them occasionally but I wish I never had to at all.
Having kids is hard. Having to share children with people you know are toxic underneath the surface.
OP, I completely, completely get where you are coming from. I am a firm believer in the “I married you and not your family,” philosophy, especially when the in-laws make it crystal clear that they don’t like you, whether they have reason to (rarely the case), or if it’s just not being accepting of someone that doesn’t think and act just like they do.
That’s why I feel more than lucky that my in-laws, both times I’ve been married were not like that.
I do love my in laws like family because I do consider them to be family. I am also extremely lucky to have married into an amazing family. My husband, not so much.
I can’t quite compare the love I have for them because the love and history is different, but I adore his mom and he adores my dad and we look after each others younger siblings.
If my mother in law was like yours though, we would have problems lol. And if my husband acted like yours, we would have even bigger problems. It is their job as a family to make it a welcoming and safe environment for you, and he should know and facilitate this or protect you if it’s not possible.
You are in a tough position. Your husband sounds like he might be enmeshed. It’s really hard when your spouse can’t see tge same behaviors that you’re seeing or if they make excuses (BTDT).
It took me a few years to really figure things out and now I can confidently say I love my FIL and MIL like my own parents. I care about them and get love and respect in return. They spend 3-4 months living with us every year and I actually quite enjoy having them around. I talk/FaceTime with them every 6-8 days. But I talk to my parents everyday or every other day. There are small differences of course in how you can be around your parents and how it is with in-laws, no matter how close y’all are. Now my SIL is a different story. Hubby doesn’t get along with her because of her control issues and consequently I don’t either. The 2 of them fight every 3 months and sweep shit under the rug but that’s not me. I’m either in or out. She crossed a line once and talked crap about my mother so that was that me. I have a very very formal relationship with her. We say hello if we have to but other than that, we don’t talk. My initial years were rough with my MIL because of my SIL and we all understand that now. But that’s her daughter so you know, she doesn’t say anything, and I understand that. Then about 5 years into my marriage I had a sit down talk with FIL, MIL and hubby. That was the ice-breaker for us. It clarified so many misunderstandings. In-law relationships are complicated. You have to keep some distance and always maintain clear boundaries. This has worked for me so far 🤞🏽. I hope your situation improves. ❤️
I grew up in an abusive and unstable household, and my husband grew up in a mostly kind and loving family. He hates his in laws, and I love mine like they were the family I never had (minus the dad). I lived with them for about a year, got super close, and I will always love them honestly more than my family. Like I said though, he would rather cut his own foot off than see my family, so it just depends!
They’re my family but there a line cause I kinda would lowkey not care if I didn’t see his mom ever again.
I don’t even love most of my family like family. It’s silly to expect people to love in-laws like family. If it happens, nice, but that requires a lot of things being in place that aren’t always going to be in place.
Oh no absolutely not. My mil said she loves me after I gave birth to my daughter for the first time in 6 years married to her son. Made me realize if I didn’t give birth they are just my husband parents. If I were to divorce childless I will
Never see them again. . After that I love you they started to self invite to home and the boundaries just vanished. No no
I can call out my family they won’t be offended. We fight but we always make up. Glad my husband is in my side and agrees so he deals with my in laws now
I definitely don’t love them like my own family. They’re not really the type of people I’d hang out with if my husband wasn’t related to them.
I like my in-laws but my max comfort in seeing them is like three times a month. I don’t even see my own parents that much.
No, I don’t. I care about them and their well-being, but I don’t feel like I’m part of their family at all. I’ll always feel like an outsider around them, but I don’t understand them as I was raised in a polar opposite environment. There’s always conflict in their family, no one gets along. My family is big, very tight knit, and if there’s any issue, it’s resolved ASAP.
I strongly dislike my BIL, he’s not allowed anywhere near me or my children. My MIL is manipulative, conniving, petty, and has zero respect for boundaries but she’s a “good Christian woman” so we should just allow it. (*I don’t*) But I do get along with and really like my FIL. He’s a great guy who deserves much more than what he has to put up with.