Hey Reddit. I’m a bit befuddled and not sure what to do.
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My fiancee and I have been together for a little over 4 years and are getting married soon. We agreed to get married shortly after COVID broke out, and have spent almost every day together for years. At the very start of our relationship (before we agreed to be exclusive) we saw other people, which was no big deal, but shortly after we started seriously dating I discovered that she might’ve cheated but didn’t have hard proof – basically, I found out her phone password, and her text messages about an ex-boyfriend she was meeting differed from the story she told me. (She claims he reached out to her, when she in fact reached out to him.) I confronted her about it but wrote it off as no big deal since we were still somewhat early in our relationship at the time.
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I managed to be pretty successful early on in my career and I pay for everything in our lives – we live a very privileged life where neither of us has to work. We have something of a more traditional relationship structure, where I focus on making money and providing, and she cleans/takes care of the house/cooks meals/etc. She treats me very well and while we argue sometimes, we have a pretty good relationship.
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A few days ago, she told me she was meeting a guy she knew for coffee. She said he’d messaged her out of the blue on Facebook, and asked her to meet to discuss his company (they just raised a lot of money and are pretty successful). I thought it was no big deal, but had a funny feeling about the way she described it. While she was taking a shower, I looked through her phone and saw that in fact, she initiated asking him if he wanted to grab coffee. He never mentioned asking her to discuss his company either. To be fair, she also mentioned in the conversation that she’s getting married, and nothing in the text exchanges seemed inappropriate. Also, I don’t mind that she asked a former friend to grab coffee – what bothers me is the lie, especially given her history in this matter.
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I casually asked her about it again tonight – “So, the guy just reached out to you to grab coffee and talk about his company? How random!”
“Yeah,” she said. “It’s probably because I worked in \[field related to what his company is doing\].” Then changed the topic.
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What would you do if you were me?
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TLDR; I opened my fiancee’s phone and discovered she lied about who asked to meet for coffee with an old male friend. What should I do?
9 comments
confront her instead of playing hercule poirat. atleast that is what i would do. u dont want your time to be wasted by these petty things. ask her upfront. do what u feel right then king
Man she lied to you bcs you admit theres nothing weird in the convo but are still acting like there is just bcs she msged to get coffee first Thats why she lied but her reason “she worked in his field” and he’s successful kinda telling that she either misses working or talking about her field and wants connections for that
Idk what I would do if I were you? How would she react to you going through her msgs, if she would be chill Id say bring it up but not in a J’accuse kinda way
Just plain ask her about it. If she deflects and is angry at you going through her messages, you know she wanted to cheat. And she will find another opportunity in the future.
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If she doesn’t have a very very good reason for the lie, dump her and block her. Who knows how many lies there has been.
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Don’t make excuses for looking through the phone or let her change the topic before she answers the question. If she has a good reason (doubtful) then say you felt something was off with the way she behaved and you had to make sure.
You’re creating drama where there isn’t any. Stop going through her phone looking for reasons to be upset.
You take care of everything financially in the relationship and you both live a privileged life. It’s not like she works and the meeting will help her or you financially. Plus she lied to and she reached out to him. These are massive red flags and your concern is valid.
People who lie on a regular basis don’t stop, it’s part of who they are. Whether her lies here are due to specific ill intent or are just to massage your feelings is impossible to say.
You have to decide if you’re OK being lied to for the rest of your life.
Why you feel the need to look through her phone is important. I think in your post you mentioned 3 times that she lied to you. All of the lies were around men. All of them I think had her initiating meetings. If they were innocent why lie?
If she has nothing to hide why is she lying to you? Since she lies you check up on her. She will never stop lying. You have to decide what’s most important. Is it being with her or being with someone who doesn’t consistently insult your intelligence by lying?
Good luck, OP. I hope you have the self worth and value yourself enough to do what’s truly best for you.
what is the field she worked in?/what he does? (I have some possible theories depending on what it is).
It doesn’t sound particularly romantic regardless, but it does sound like you’re insecure and may be looking for justifications
Red flags big time. Not enough to break up but watched carefully.