So I’ve 25f have been dating my boyfriend 24m for 5 months now. I never pay on dates, but it’s not because I don’t think I should.
I believe if you pick up the check when the server brings it over than 1. You’re ready to leave. 2. You’re taking responsibility for it. and he always picks up the check.
We went to the movies for a date, I had already bought the tickets that morning but didn’t tell him because I wanted to contribute to a date. So we get there and he says “do you wanna get the tickets and I’ll get the snacks?” I then informed him that I already got the tickets, we scanned them, got snacks and watched our movie.
We’ve been out to eat multiple times where check gets knocked off the table and I’ll pick it up from the floor and put it by me with the intention of when we leave I’ll pay. He ALWAYS ends up picking it up and paying.
He’s made jokes a time or 2 when the check comes he’ll side it over to me and be like “this is for you” and I’ve always just been like okay – but again he ends up paying anyways.
I thought maybe he just doesn’t want to look like a dick by making a girl pay, so again we were out to eat and we were sitting next to each other, I have a small wallet I can fit in my boots and he pulled it out of my boot. I thought maybe if I try handing him my credit card he can go pay and then I’m paying for it but he doesn’t look bad. Again he just paid for it.
There’s been times where the server will straight up hand the check to him. The other day, he went to the bathroom, the server brings me my box and the check and WAITED for my boyfriend to come back from the bathroom to come back over for the card to pay the check.
I’m not someone that’s gonna argue and be like LET ME PAY, but I also don’t want him to feel like I refuse to pay or I’m using him. It’s been 5 months and I don’t know how to start paying for things. I feel if next time we go out if I’m like “no, I got this” his gonna think that I’m not interested in the relationship anymore or somethings wrong.
We started dating in winter so the options for “activity dates” are low, but even those he’s always taken charge of the decisions – like if you have to pay per time or game. He takes charge of talking to people so he’s in front so he ends up paying.
What do I do? I’m not complaining that he always pays, I just 1. Don’t want him to feel like he has to or is always expected to. 2. Doesn’t feel taken advantaged of.
8 comments
Use your words and talk to him about it.
> The other day, he went to the bathroom, the server brings me my box and the check and WAITED for my boyfriend to come back from the bathroom to come back over for the card to pay the check.
Do you really have zero self agency? If you want to pay use your words and say that to the waiter then? I find it hard to believe someone who wanted to pay would just sit there.
Honey, you don’t need to ask Reddit. You need to ask him. Communication is key in every relationship. He is not a mind reader and neither are you. Talk to him when you are alone and tell him that this situation is making you uncomfortable.
Why not just tell him before your next date “hey, let me pay for our date night tonight”? This seems like something a simple conversation can solve rather than assume what he is or isn’t feeling.
I get that a lot of the time, waiters and servers will sometimes default to giving the check to the guy when you are out on a date. But if you just ask for the check, or tell him that you’d like to pay this evening, I think that would solve any issues here.
Once the server brings over the tab give them your credit card immediately. You can always compromise if he feels the need to pay. Go dutch and split the bill in half. This way it’ll feel like both parties contributed
As for activities and such, take initiative. Give your card before he does or pay in advance.
why are you asking us? just use your vocal cords and say “i got it” like every other person before you.
How about you just use your words instead of subtle queues he might not even notice? You pick up a check from the table (or the floor, lol) and you just say “I got it”. That’s it.
Have a conversation with him about it.
Starting dating my now wife a few decades ago. I’d get dinner, she’d get the movie. She was pretty clear about contributing.
Just speak up.