I’ve [24F] been with my boyfriend [27M] for a bit less than a year and I can’t tell if I should give up on this relationship or if these are fixable problems, and I’d love to hear thoughts! I’m honestly unsure if my expectations about men are unreasonable, or if his expectations are unreasonable, or if we’re simply too incompatible to be together. Could this be solved with communication and potentially couples’/sex therapy?
The main problem for me is that he’s not really big on emotional intimacy, and it’s pretty hurtful combined with some other things. He has a hard time orgasming, specifically when he has to focus his attention on me. This means that the vast majority of our sex life is me performing fellatio on him while he ignores me. He is usually on his computer and usually watching porn or reading erotica, which hurts my feelings, but honestly just the fact he’s on his computer in general hurts my feelings so I don’t really care if it’s smut. He claims that he can’t cum if he’s not on his computer, and he basically refuses to do anything else. If I ask him for a blowjob not involving getting ignored, there’s a good chance he’ll just refuse getting blown altogether, so my only option of getting any sort of sexual intimacy is to accept I will get ignored. He also gets upset at me when our blowjob frequency drops to less than one blowjob a day, so I have to get ignored while he gets off at least daily or expect him to complain and for us to have general relationship discord. I get that “bored and ignored” is a fetish but I feel it’s unfair for it to take over our blowjobs, whereas he’s very defensive of it because it’s the only way he can orgasm, and therefore he feels entitled to it.
The only other sex act we ever do is penetrative sex. I don’t mind not getting eaten out because I prefer penetrative sex. The only thing that makes me sad is that he’s very quick to remind me that penetrative sex is “purely” for my enjoyment and he gets “nothing” out of it because he can’t orgasm from it (whereas I can). Honestly, I desperately miss how my exes loved having sex with me. It makes me really awful that he keeps reminding me how much he doesn’t get much out of having sex with me, so I’ve recently just stopped letting him have sex with me. This also makes him unhappy because he’s not getting his usual ego boost from making me cum and according to him, it’s “obvious” I’m more unhappy if I don’t have penetrative sex (I personally disagree but I understand that his experience of me is valid so I’m putting it in here).
One thing I would love is some foreplay or other kinds of “heavy petting” (e.g. fingering) but I think vaginal fluids gross him out. He kisses me pretty often, and gropes my breasts, but otherwise doesn’t touch me.
I just wish there was any indication he’s attracted to me. He claims he is and he’s very upset I “don’t believe him.” I think I trust him to a certain extent but I don’t *feel* the attraction, and he thinks that’s a “me” issue than a “him” issue. 95% of the time we have sex in a exact same position with me turned away from him, no variety. 95% of our blowjobs involve him ignoring me. Honestly, even when he does talk there’s a good chance he’ll make fun of my body/moans/something about me so I’m constantly terrified he’ll say something that will make me cry later. He has me on a constant diet and is always asking me to lose more weight (I am a normal BMI but he is convinced I am somewhere between overweight and obese). At the same time, he thinks my breasts are too small (he informed me I will “have” to get implants for us to be together long term) and constantly makes comments on my “flat ass.” He blames my hurt feelings on my bipolar disorder and says I need to “figure out my emotional shit.” He refuses to take responsibility for how he might contribute to my insecurities, except for times he has absolute crises about it and then I have to comfort him about it.
I am exhausted feeling so hurt all the time. I miss feeling someone love me unconditionally. I miss feeling someone intensely desire me. I miss feeling like I’m good at giving blowjobs and feeling someone actually orgasm inside me. I miss feeling someone’s focus and delight and wonder when we have sex together. I thought that this sort of intimacy was normal, but my current boyfriend is really making me question myself. He claims I’m just ignorant and got fed myths about how men can cum really easily. I disagree–many of my previous partners had delayed orgasm issues due to antidepressants, but absolutely none of them needed very specific 20-45 minute blowjobs while being on their computer to be able to cum. All of then could handle some amount of variety in our sex life without running into orgasm issues. This feels like a therapy issue for me, but he’s very proud of his “endurance” and refuses to go to a doctor. He doesn’t believe in therapy so while it’s an option I’m considering, I’m nervous bringing it up to him.
All in all, because he’s claiming it’s because I’m ignorant, I’m hoping to hear from other men/folks about whether he’s right that I just need to let go of my misconceptions, and maybe I got spoiled/lucky with some of my previous partners. I’m also hoping to hear from people who have been in relatively long term relationships who have a sense of the kinds of issues that are resolvable or if this is just too much incompatibility.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing everyone’s thoughts.
12 comments
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Girl, get out of this toxic gaslighting relationship.
I don’t even know where to start. He expects daily blowjobs where he sits in front of his computer and insults you?!
Leave this idiot asap.
I know women are attracted to this type of behavior but damn how do y’all deal with it. If I was a woman I would get out asap
Your post answers your own question. No you aren’t compatible. Sexual or otherwise.
Girl, what the fuck? Why would you stay with this person? What are you getting out of this? Where is the connection while you are doing these things?
Anyone not worshipping you while you’re giving them head does NOT deserve to have their dick in your mouth! Not even gonna get into the whole “on the computer while doing it” thing because it’s weird as hell and disrespectful. Penetration being “just for you”? Weird sentiment AND toxic behavior to make you feel bad and keep you in your place, manipulating you into thinking anything in this arrangement is done with your feelings in mind.
You deserve better. You can do better. Get out.
Oh, God. Oh, hon.
This is not a compatibility issue. The issue is how he treats you. Which is to say, he treats you like shit.
There are so many red flags here it’s hard to count them all. He body shames you, relentlessly, in a variety of ways. He makes you doubt your own judgment (which is some CLASSIC gaslighting bullshit, by the way). He’s emotionally unavailable, despite your mental illness basically requiring a partner who’s willing to step up and offer SERIOUS support when you need it. He’s selfish as fuck.
He’s simply awful.
It’s a cliché that Redditors are quick on the trigger to proclaim “DUMP HIS ASS!!!” for failing to wash the dishes or whatever. But….
Hon. Dump his ass.
Not because you can do better — though I swear to you that you can. Dump him because your life will be so much better if he’s not a part of it.
This is straight up emotional abuse. Inform your support network that you’re about to be in need of serious support (and a place to stay?), and get the hell out of this relationship.
The longer you stay with him, the more damage he’s going to do to you as you take his bullshit to heart.
You deserve better. Everyone does.
You can do it. We’re all cheering for you.
I couldn’t even finishing reading your message bc I was getting nauseous. Please leave him
This dude is a dirt bag. He has an intimacy problem, nbd if he owns it as his problem, but he is blaming you. If a man ever expects a blowjob and then gets upset that he has to acknowledge that you exist while you are doing it, he deserves a punch in the dick. Even the worst blowjob I ever received was an amazing gift and I am so grateful to every woman who ever gave me one.
You’re in a toxic relationship at best and an abusive relationship at worse. None of these problems can be fixed because he doesn’t want to fix them. He’s also manipulating you to get his way. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You should stop letting him treat you like you’re a doormat covered in crap.
It’s time to kick him to the curb if he’s living at your place. It’s time to move out if you’re living at his place. If you need someone to help you to make a safe exit, you should call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. You can also use their web site if you’d like to live chat with someone. [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/)
RUN FOREST, RUNNN!!!!!!!
What the fuck??!! And you want to fix this bs? This is abuse and you should leave, there’s no fixing abuse.
His attitude is disgusting. I can’t imagine him finding sexual compatibility with anyone, frankly.
Oh boy, this was hard to read. This relationship is borderline abusive. There are so many red flags that the alarm was constantly going off when reading your post.
Nothing to fix here. Your boyfriend (let’s call him an ex as he doesn’t deserve to be anything else) – who I’d expect to be more mature at 27 – has a lot of issues… mentally unstable, low self-confidence, porn addiction. I would normally be quite slow to suggest to end a relationship, but in this case you have to leave for your own good.