Im (29m) in a relationship with my dream girl (25f). Everything is perfect about her and i know i am willing to spend the rest of my life with her. We have a very healthy relationship, not toxic at all.
However, She has an incredibly low sex drive. I have always known this and have ALWAYS been understanding and respected it, but lately it is getting hard for me to understand. She will talk about being in the mood often, but when it comes down to it i experience rejection. The majority of our hook ups (which only happen once every 10-14 days) are me pleasing her with nothing in return. I’ll perform oral or other acts until she finishes and then she is uninterested. She will also initiate things sometimes, and then abruptly stop in the middle of it. I never force anything and just kind of take the L and move on. But lately it’s been bothering me a lot.
I view sex as a very intimate, passionate form of expressing love and that’s important to me. I have became depressed because this has began to make me feel unloved, unwanted, unattractive, etc. i feel uncomfortable even hooking up with her anymore. Lack of sex will never ruin a relationship for me, but it’s hard to be myself when i have all these negative feeling towards myself due to the situation and I’m sensing it’s gonna lead to issues for me.
I need advice , how can i approach this awkward topic to her without taking it the wrong Way?
4 comments
Stop oral 9/10ths of the way through.
She knows what’s she’s doing to you. Give it right back until she opens a discussion about it.
She is selfish
>Lack of sex will never ruin a relationship for me,
Never? If you’re smart, I should hope it would.
It’s often said that in order for evil to prevail, good people merely need to stay silent.
But I’d like to think that in order for injustice to prevail, one must only convince good people that the just and fair option is totally unreasonable.
>Im (29m) in a relationship with my dream girl (25f).
I’m not so sure that’s true, OP. Or else your dreams are the darker kind.
>Everything is perfect about her and i know i am willing to spend the rest of my life with her.
What I think this is about is you’re afraid of *Disengagement* and afraid of the perception of Failure.
You think failure is a threat you need manage by *pursuing* more.
The issue is, a way of relating to others that you believe unquestioningly in, is conflicting with what you actually desire.
Even though like most fundamental beliefs, and unlike most beliefs discussed in religions, you’d probably find difficult to even describe to say nothingnif questioning. The dynamics and learned dramas of intimacy develop well before language does.
So either the relating has to go or else the given desire does.
As a social animal, people will consistently sacrifice food for social acceptance, but unfortunately sexuality is harder to sacrifice long term, it’s more powerful than hunger. Doing so may be more destructive to health than skipping meals too.
>She will talk about being in the mood often, but when it comes down to it i experience rejection. The majority of our hook ups (which only happen once every 10-14 days) are me pleasing her with nothing in return.
Walk away, OP.
She doesn’t respect you, and thinks you’re annoyingly needy.
She knows there’s no likelihood you’ll walk away from her, She knows you’re stone-cold afraid of refusing her.
If you were to do that, first she’ll get pretty angry, and use guilt, shame, insincere promises, and obligation tactics. When that doesn’t work, and you still continue saying “*no” to a relationship with her,* then her tune is going to change dramatically. She won’t be able to seemingly keep her hands off you. (For a few weeks that is.) Why because you suddenly have all the deciding power and she craves that.
For her, sex and intimacy is merely a tool or *ritual* she uses to get the security blanket and facade of deciding power she actually wants.
It doesn’t occur to her that others pay a huge emotional price for that. She’s never had to experience that price, personally.
Trust me on this, OP. Ignore her false promises of change abd *Hoovering* attempts.
>I view sex as a very intimate, passionate form of expressing love and that’s important to me.
You don’t view it as important enough to *vote with your feet for it* though.
People who care walk away from what the don’t want and walk towards the things they do.
In fact you continue to vote with your feet and your time by walking *towards* rejection, and investing your precious time energy attention efforts and pursuit into more of it. Rather than voting elsewhere.
That says a lot about what’s most important to you and truly keeps your mind chirning late at night. Not a healthy sex life, not a healthy sense of connection, but the drama of treating rejection as if it’s some kind of *challenge* you need to overcome, and the circle of self-recrimination.
So, methinks you protest too much. I think you use a lot of dramatic language describing your relationship, but your actions are running counter to your words.
>I have became depressed because this has began to make me feel unloved, unwanted, unattractive, etc.
I believe it conforms your previously existing beliefs you’ve had since at least your early teenage years.
These aren’t new, the narratives were in force long before you met her. And they influenced why you signed up for a Pursuer role against the dramatic foil of her as the Distancer.
She is using to feel good
Is she like that outside the bedroom?