I’m genuinely curious (though unsure if this type of question is allowed here): I [35F] often get men who match with me, but then ask me first thing why I matched with them. I personally hate this as an opener because to me it seems like compliment-fishing instead of trying to get to know the other person. Curious if other folks on this sub do this, and why do you do it? Am I missing something?
32 comments
Maybe they have self esteem issues
I’ve done that when someone swiped on me but lived two hours away. Otherwise, I avoid it for the exact reasons you stated.
Yeah it’s such a lame thing to ask. Like obviously I was interested…that’s why we’re both in a dating app! It gives me the ick real quick
As a guy and my experiences with OLD. We get scammed and catfished alot. Tho the question is rather off putting but I can get the meaning for it. Most likely the guys who did this too you have been around for awhile on OLD and figure your prolly fake.
Or it could be just really low self esteem.
Still tho, I wouldn’t even ask this question because you will figure it out thru conversation.
I think your auto response should just be “I wanted to get to know you and see if we could be a good match.”
In the past I’ve just said I liked your profile or bio.
Am I the only one who could see this being asked without any esteem issues?
Like they were just curious which part of their profile or which photo stood out the most?
It’s not the best conversation opener, mind. But I hardly see it as bad as a generic “hey” opener.
I have noticed that men who asked me that are insecure.
As if they can’t believe you matched with them.
And therefore there is an imbalance.
And then it doesn’t work out.
I have actually asked this quite a few times because I kept getting people who right swiped and hadnt read my profile. When I downsized my blurb I stopped asking since it wasnt useful. If someone asks me this I usually reference something they mentioned in their blurb, or I make a playful comment (like “you looked like a big uno fan”)
I’m a guy and hate when girls ask this same question. It screams insecurity, and I’m guessing the only reason they matched with me is for validation.
Honestly, I know it’s petty but I always unmatch when people ask me this… it just seems so insecure and I hate when people fish for compliments.
it’s insecurity. I know because im one too and i often want to ask this so badly, but I know better not to.
They’re surprised to have matched with someone.
I agree. Have always found this slightly off putting along with the “what are you looking for on here?” Most OLDs allow you to specify that in the profile, so it makes me wonder if you bothered to read it?
What’s wrong with giving a guy a compliment?
Men on dating apps just be swiping and swipe right on almost everything. they probably was suprised they matched with you. Unfortunately most men have weak text game and its hard to find something a woman will respond to. It is their attempt to get you to talk first. I dont do this cuz I dont online date. Its a waste of time.
Ladies if you want to meet a man, There are tons of them at the grocery store around 5 or 6 PM. These are hard working men, some are in suits, some are constrution or contract workers.
They hungry looking for food. Sometimes you may have to cross his path to get him to notice you. Bc sometimes we are brain dead when we are hungry and adult men are not just out fishing for women.
I get a compliment once every 10 years. So I’ll continue to ask.
I think your inclination is correct. They seem to be fishing for compliments.
They deserve a little neg – I like weird faces
Yeah it’s insecure of them to ask. It’s like going into a store and the shop keeper says “see anything you like?” When you haven’t bought anything yet and you’re still looking.
I had this and when I said you swiped on me as well why did you?….. he unmatched me lmao!!!
Honestly, this needs more context. As many have said if it seems awkward or immediate it could be a way to try and test for scams or just outright insecurity talking. I will add that a guy who is a little nervous/insecure in the first few messages or the first date may not be in general insecure.
But I also think this can be a perfectly natural question to ask in the right context. Later on once you know each other it could be pure curiosity. Or if your profiles have little to nothing in common, there may be an interesting opener there. Wording, tone, context, timing makes all the difference.
As a final thought, a guy can be generally self confident and well adjusted and still have not the first clue why this one particular woman matched with him.
You never considered the possibility that the person asking doesn’t get matches consistently and want to know what stood out to you so they could find ways to accentuate what stood out to you?
Ew. Screams immaturity.
They’re fishing for compliments
I (34M) am very new to OLD. Like I have talked to 4 people. I had some anxiety about talking to women and as soon as I match with a few realized I had no idea how to start a conversion. My only move that I tried was asking about the interests that they listed. Like the woman I am talking to listed Karaoke so I opened with “what is your go to karaoke song?” It worked way better than I could have imagined. I am finding that just putting in a little effort to be personal and remember things goes a long way.
I see any guy asking that as insecure and fishing for compliments. They want to hear that you thought they were hot or jacked, etc.
It totally turns me off and I will most likely just ghost the conversation.
I don’t do it, but I kinda always want to. Definitely some insecurity at work in my case, where I’d really like to hear my match say something flattering and validating. Like I just want to know that someone is interested in me rather than just happening to “swipe right” or whatever out of curiosity or boredom.
Never been asked and never thought to ask this. Like others have said it sounds super lame and I’d probably unmatch if asked.
Probably looking for validation.
> Curious if other folks on this sub do this, and why do you do it? Am I missing something?
I don’t do it, but yes – you are missing something:
Men don’t get matched very often, compared to women. It feels like mining bitcoin. A match is always a big deal.
That instantly makes you kind of special. You saw something in them that other people weren’t seeing. And they want to know what it is you saw!
In short: Was it that you saw my cute picture or was it something else?
I would just reflect the question back at them and follow up with a completely unrelated question to redirect the conversation.
I HATE this too. So many men do it.
It seems like I particularly get it from guys with very little to go on in their profile! Sir, no. I’m not going to gratify the compliment-seeking behavior. One guy really kept drilling when I gave a vague response, and he didn’t even look like his pictures, most of them were hiding some part of his face and the one clear shot of his face was over-exposed and clearly an old photo.