My boyfriend found out he got a job across the country (4000km away) a few days ago and I am devastated that he’s leaving (we live about an hour away from each other rn). I’m so happy for him because he has struggled to find a job and get his career started and it has been impacting his mental health and I genuinely want what’s best for him, but I can’t stop crying thinking about him leaving. We’ve been together for about 5 months, and dated for 6 months previously a couple years ago. He is the best guy I have ever met, he’s patient and communicative and I know he loves me very much. I have anxious attachment issues and he has been so kind and understanding, he says he knows that he can’t fix things for me but he wants to help me as much as he can and make things easier for me.
I want our relationship to work so badly, and right now it just seems so impossible. I’m a student and have brought up the idea of moving out there to be with him when I finish my degree (in a little less than 2 years) but he says he isn’t ready to move in together yet, which I understand because it is a big commitment and I don’t know if I feel ready yet either. He also doesn’t know if he will stay in this job for 2 years, or if he will move somewhere different. His main issue with the plan of moving in together in 2 years is that he doesn’t want to promise me anything and then end up disappointing me if he moves again. I would be willing to relocate with him in the future, but I haven’t really brought this up yet. I want to bring up the idea of spending next summer with him as I could get a summer job there until school starts again, but I don’t know if this will be too big of a commitment for him too, I worry about putting too much pressure on him while he’s going through huge life changes like moving to a new province/beginning his career. I am more than willing to be patient while he gets settled, I just need to learn how to ease my own anxiety.
We’ve both agreed that we have to put 100% effort into this ldr to make it work, and we can’t have one foot in one foot out. We agreed to have 100% open communication and that although long distance will be very hard, it could make our relationship much stronger and also give us time to work on ourselves as individuals. I am just so nervous that it will be too much, and we will lose each other again.
I just need some hope that a cross country relationship is possible. Also I know we still have a lot more talking to do. I don’t even know where to begin with figuring out how often we’ll be seeing each other (flights are relatively inexpensive and roughly 5 hours long) although he likely will be home for christmas.
Any kind words/tips/encouragement would be very very much appreciated
tldr: boyfriend is moving across the country for work (5hr plane ride) and we’ve agreed that we will give long distance our best shot, but i am scared of how difficult it will be. looking for any advice/reassurance/tips for long distance
3 comments
I think the most important thing in long distance is to have a realistic timescale/plan in place about moving in together in the future. It sounds like you guys have that – you finish your studies in 2 years and then you can start looking for jobs near wherever he is and start your life together.
It won’t be easy, but it’s certainly doable!
Advice from someone who’s LDR recently failed: Make an extra effort to show you care and make it seem still like a relationship, whether that be FaceTime movie dates or dinner together etc. practice very open and honest communication as well. If something is bothering you, it’s a lot harder to get over it without talking about it in an LDR than in a regular relationship since you are by yourself and can just overthink the fuck out of it. Good practice for all relationships but especially important in LDRs. Finally, have a general plan to move in together sooner rather than later. The indefinite nature of my LDR i think is what killed it because we just didn’t see the end and were both getting a bit frustrated since obvi no one prefers to be in an LDR. I know it’s scary but try to go into it with hope and use this time to work on your independence too so when you do close the distance the relationship is ever stronger. It’s temporary, and if it’s meant to be it will be
It’s true that virtually all LDR’s fail eventually. Most don’t last longer than a year or two at most (think the longest I’ve ever heard is close to 5 years). The only way LDR’s don’t fail is if one of the two eventually moves in or at least close to the other so they can be with each other physically. You simply can’t replace actual physical intimacy and contact, this is the primary reason they fail despite all the face times, photos, phone calls, etc…it’s just not enough if you can’t actually touch the other person.