This has been a huge stressor on our relationship as of late. I’m nearly in tears writing this.
We have dated long distance mostly, and she is finally moving to my city, with the wedding set to be mid next year. She’s from my city, her family is here, my job is situated here and I have family here as well. Major metro area. She’s currently in a small coastal town. Early on in our relationship, she stated she would love to end up back in her home city, and it’s why she was open to dating men in that area potentially. It made sense for family and potential children.
With her move date drawing near, she has become highly anxious and has started lashing out. She’s going to miss the food, small town vibe, weather etc. She then took it a step further and started insulting the city I’m in, then me, stating this is my fault and that my life isn’t changing at all.
When the move was decided, I helped her find her job. I mean I literally found the job posting, used my personal connection and straight up got her the job. I also coached her on her interview, proofread or composed every single correspondence with any potential employer, negotiated her contract for her. The first job she was offered, she rushed to take, despite being a big pay cut, at a prestigious large institution. I advised her to wait, and that there were many jobs in my area, especially since they allowed her all the time she needed. She became hostile towards me, refused my advice and signed. Low and behold, two weeks afterwards, she has interviewed w MULTIPLE jobs that pay more than where she is now, and is taking on a part time position on top of her first job, to bolster her income.
More recently, all of the above has resurfaced. She’s also upset that the level of autonomy might be lower in her new position. I calmly advised her to wait and experience the job first, and if she doesn’t like it, we can help her find another one. She stated I’m “making her throw away her career and never use her brain again”. She insists on prioritizing her job to make her same level of income, after she moves and we’re married.
For reference, I work in a busy field and make 5x her income, potentially 10x. Despite that, I have always supported her, insisted she pursue her passions etc. I’ve reiterated that we are combining finances when married and can decide together what works best for our family, especially when kids come into the picture.
Additionally, she constantly has me help her with 20-30 small tasks per day, which I happily do, but the few times I’ve been to busy or am only free when it’s even a minor inconvenience to her, she blows up on me, insults my intelligence, and later comes back and apologies for lashing out. She’ll interrupt my dinner, or even my sleep, to ask about her outfit for the next day or which picture to post on her Instagram. Im always calm, and nice to her, and she’s always stating how thankful she is for that.
Furthermore, she never, ever helps me with anything. When I was buying a house or looking for a new job, she didn’t care to even listen, at one point telling me to “just shutup already” as she had a long day at work that day. She doesn’t seem to be interested in details or even major portions of my life and has generally seemed self absorbed. She’s never affectionate, some days only entirely communicating with me about her to-do list, with no “I love you” or messages of affirmation. I brought this up with her, concerned that we may not work well together when kids or other challenges arise, and she seemed taken aback and went back to talking about her job.
TLDR: I’m not really sure how else to help her. I try to be supportive, and have done a lot for her in recognition of her move. I can’t take much more of the lashing out, and don’t want the move to be held over my head for forever. She seems to only care about her life and hobbies and would prioritize making more money at her job over life together. I’m concerned that children, household chores, etc will all become my responsibility at my expense.
16 comments
There’s enough red flags here that would give me pause.
>Additionally, she constantly has me help her with 20-30 small tasks per day,
This is not healthy. Postpone the wedding.
Everything you are describing is an anxious, co-dependent relationship where you are doing all the adulting, and she lashes out at you when that doesn’t control her anxiety or when it goes wrong.
She definitely needs therapy to manage her anxiety, and *you* also could benefit from talking to a counselor. It is not normal to have to help someone with 20-30 small tasks a day unless they are disabled and can’t do it themselves. It is not normal for her to insult you because she’s anxious about what outfit to wear the next day.
From an outsider’s perspective, she’s taking advantage of you. She doesn’t even LIKE you. Zero appreciation for what you do for her. She’s completely selfish to the core and you’re in for a life of misery if you marry this woman. Don’t be a chump and marry her in her current state, and please don’t have kids with her.
All these things that bother you now are only going to feel 10x worse once children enter the picture. Choose wisely….
You need to put the wedding on hold asap.
It sounds like a big ol’ case of cold feet, OP. This is all starting to get real for her, after a long time essentially doing a long-distance online relationship.
It’s impossible to know if she would overcome this as a temporary thing, or if it would only get worse once she moves in with you. I’m leaning towards it getting worse. She told you to “just shutup already” when you were trying to include her in the plans you were making for your future together. I’ve been with my wife for 14 years. She’s never told me to “shut up” about anything, unless it was in a joking tone. So there’s some context about how unacceptable that kind of reaction from her is.
I suspect she is someone who greatly values her privacy and alone time, and likely has an avoidant personality that will compound these issues for you both once finances and other things are shared.
This may seem forward, but what is your sex life with her like?
Sometimes these posts are really surprising to read. Married 26 years, separated now and working on reconciling, and neither of us has treated each other as badly as she treats you.
My son has been long distance dating someone for 3 years, and she keeps coming up with reasons not to move. I will tell you what I tell him—if she wanted to be with you above all else, she already would be. I also would not recommend getting married until you have dated in the same city for a while, even without all this other nonsense going on, like using you as her personal assistant. Long distance is so easy when you can have the best of separate lives and couple hood. You miss each other, then all the time together is fun time, not real life. You are not exposed to what a marriage will be like.
She has ZERO respect for you.
Just a few examples…
– insults your intelligence (doesn’t matter if she apologizes)
– interrupts your dinner/sleep for something minor
– tells you to “shut up already”
I mean, she sounds like a terrible human being, but above all that, do not marry someone who does not respect you.
Read out what you just typed. Pretend your best friend told you about his situation. What would you advise him to do?
Pretty simple: She liked you as a long distance bf.
She has no interest in you as an actual partner
You seem like a very nice, mature and reliable person. Unfortunately your fiancé is taking advantage of your kindess and she shows no signs of any of your qualities or any quality at all. Right now you’re still in time to end this or you’ll be facing a lot of problems if you marry her.
To put it simply: dating and engagement are the happiest moments for any couple, it’s when the spark is the most alive and both parties are excited to finally get married and be happy (it doesn’t happen all the time but we always expect the best). But all I can see is that you’re already suffering and struggling to keep the relationship going. If it has a bad start, it will end badly.
It does seem like she doesn’t like you, unfortunately- but (and here’s the bigger issue) – why are you allowing her to treat you this way? She treats you badly and you seem to have no boundaries with her.
I have no idea why she is trying to rush you into marriage but I don’t think it’s a good idea on your end.
Ok stopped reading halfway through.
You think you have done everything for her, otherwise shes incompetent and she should just be greatful to have you and be an obedient little wife.
She has second thoughts about moving and may not want to. Thats OK. It doesn’t make her an aweful person. Its something that she needs to be honest about and you need to discuss.
But stop pittying her and acting like you control her.
Sounds like this marriage isnt a good idea.
Talk to a counselor. They will help you make choices that take into account your wants and needs. Do NOT rush into this marriage. Good luck.
Break up and learn from the experience. This will not improve without a miracle.
She’s an entitled spoiled brat. The way she’s acting before you’re even married is not good. Little respect for you. No appreciation.
Call it off while you can!
Please don’t marry her. At least postpone the wedding. She sounds horrible. Why stay when it’s so one sided? She is already resentful and she hasn’t even moved yet! You need a partner. A person who loves and cares about you as much as you do! What do you get out of this? You said she does nothing at all for you.