TLDR; I made a life out of being a “therapist” for my friends and family and it’s biting me in the ass bc when I talk abt myself, they don’t care. How can I fix this?
I made a life out of caring for other people’s problems to the point where I’ve never focused on myself. I knew that I was doing it in the background of my mind—when I was younger, & would talk about myself (whether it be to my mom or my sister), I noticed that they wouldn’t fully participate in the conversation. I’d feel anxious abt this & ask them something about themselves, & that’s when they’d start responding. That’s how I learned to keep people’s attention.
And so this trend continued into the rest of my life. I’d focus on my friends & acquaintances’ problems so much that there was no room to talk about myself. If they asked me about myself, I’d immediately get uncomfortable, say something short, & move the topic back over to them. And because I was so out of practice, the way I /would/ talk about myself just became boring and uninteresting. It didn’t help that I’d already created this dynamic where they didn’t care about what I was saying bc they were so used to me listening rather than talking. Their response would be dry and uninterested.
I evaluated my texts with my friends & 90% of the time? It’s them talking abt themselves/me asking abt them. Rarely has the conversation ever been about me. Sometimes I want to, but I hesitate bc I feel like my life experiences aren’t interesting and again—I get really uncomfortable when attention is on me.
I also feel like my hobbies are boring bc I don’t have much friends that like the same things I do (reading, psychology, diy mini dollhouses, etc) & I don’t have much life experience. I literally just went clubbing a week ago for the first time.
What can I do to fix this?
9 comments
Just take a short break go offline on all social media accounts but make sure to be available for family and try to avoid getting into situations that make you feel that you are becoming a therapist.
And try to share your feelings and all things that you are afraid to share with those people who are willing to listen to you and there for you everytime. You can share your problems with me if you want i might try to solve that problems. But, i can’t promise to be available everytime cause i also have my studies and my life but i will try.
Maybe talk to an actual therapist.
Your hobbies sound pretty interesting to me, albeit niche. My hobbies are pretty niche that most of my friends and family are aware of because of my interests. I have learned that even though I can go on for hours about a small aspect of one of my hobbies, chances are, my friends will lose interest, mostly because it reaches a point of information overload. It’s not that they aren’t curious, but they don’t really want to hear a multiple part lecture on the Horus Heresy.
Sounds like you need to talk to your people because they probably don’t realize you aren’t happy with the dynamic. Perhaps seeking therapy can help you sort out why you feel so uncomfortable talking about yourself. I know bringing it up with someone else is scary as fuck. When you make a request of someone else, you put yourself at risk of rejection. I too have a big fear of rejection. I had to learn how to set boundaries and I had to dig into some deep trauma to figure out the why and work through it. It’s still scary, but I’ve figured out that I have healthier relationships that I’m happier in as a result of stating and honoring my needs.
You’re in a therapist role, but you’re not a therapist (which I’m sure you’re aware, of course!). So that basically means you’re everyone’s Listening Ear or Dumping Ground. Now, if you bring up some concerns of your own (which you should) and these people DON’T CARE, then that tells you they are not a friend. (Not sure why FAMILY wouldn’t care, though? Surely if you try to talk to family members about your own life, they’d care about that?) Either way, you should spend less time with people who don’t make the time to listen to you.
The reason this happens is because for shy people it’s a lot EASIER to just let other people ramble on and talk about their stuff. You don’t have to come up with stuff, and the other person automatically likes you (sort of) for being willing to listen to their stuff.
It’s easier, but it’s also a CRUTCH. Because as you can see, these relationships are stunted, kind of dysfunctional, because it isn’t a two-way street with emotional balance.
BTW you don’t need interesting hobbies to be an interesting person. (Can’t remember the last time I talked about HOBBIES with anyone anyway!) What you need is some social energy, and some passion for: Yourself, the other person and LIFE ITSELF.
Good luck!
hmm.. sounds like you need to start to put yourself first. If you don’t want to play that role anymore, don’t. You deserve to be heard as well. Once you realize how easy it is to not give so much of yourself away, you’ll start to want to give back to yourself. Show up for you the way you’d hope others would. Start talking more ab yourself and believe you have every right to say whatever is coming out of your mouth. Pay attention to who dismisses you. Then you’ll find people who want to hear what you have to say.
It’s simply because you’re going to the hardware store for milk. These people are needy people. They’re not going to have anything to offer you as far as resources.
I used to regularly help people around me, but gradually noticed they ignored me when they no longer needed my help. I decided to avoid such people, I tell them sorry, can’t help with that, ckeck with someoneelse. It’s not friendship they’re seeking, it’s taking advantage of me, and I recognize it immediately and don’t want them in my life. I don’t waste my time on selfish needy people who perceive me as a free counselor, their problem is simly not my problem, I’m not obligated to do anything for them. It worked out really well, I only keep friendships that are more balanced with mutual interest. My rule is if I’m not worth hanging out with in good times, then I’m not worth hanging out with in bad times either. If we sometimes enjoy good times together and sometimes discuss each other’s problems, that’s more balanced.
I’ve kind of felt the same so I was like I need new people. Found new people, then found out i just care a lot about people around me and most people only care for themselves. It’s hard to not get the therapist role
I’m in this predicament and quite honestly you get used to it. People do not care about anything except themselves, it’s human nature.
It’s often better to not share anything too personal because most people aren’t built like us. They don’t take secret to the grave, rather they would use it against you at a later time(not saying all but most).
I see it being as a benefit if they are improving your life such as offering opportunities, inviting you to events, and keeping you in the loop. If they are not doing any of these things, and only using you as a Listening Ear then DROP THEM