I (23F) have been with my bf (21M) for 2 years now and I’m almost certain I need to leave. But every time I try to broach my issues, however gently, he gets very upset and tells me I’m not being nice, I’m being rude, mean, etc. and how there are “so many other ways” I could’ve opened the issue. It always ends up with me apologizing for not wording things ideally and hurting his feelings and having to do some activity with him to soothe him. Yes, he often apologizes for his own actions too, but the vast majority of the time it only comes after I apologize first, even though I’m the one who was hurt first by something he did, sometimes crying, and trying to tell him what he did wrong as nicely as I can.
It’s gotten to the point where when I can’t take it anymore and I’m away from home (I split my time half the week living with him and half with my mom as she is sick and needs care; it’s nothing serious, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I do feel relief when I’m there with her) I sometimes send him a wall of text f my feelings, something he’s asked me many times not to do because he prefers to speak on phone or in person, but I just can’t help it or else I feel sick all day. And knowing that he doesn’t like it, I start and end my wall of text pleading with him not to upset at me for doing this, and after I send it I just dread getting a text back or call where he’s very upset with me, telling me why I’m “just not nice,” etc.
Im aware that whoever’s reading this will probably think, why don’t you just say “it’s over” and pack up and stick to your guns? But it’s incredibly difficult. Rather than really yelling at me or being angry, he tends to get very sad; it’s just as stressful, if not more so, for me than if he were angry, but it also adds the fact that it makes it so hard for me to leave him because I DO care about him and have feelings for him and I feel so bad every time I imagine putting my foot down and how upset and broken he’ll be. But I don’t think I can take much more of this. Not once have I tried to discuss an issue I have with him that didn’t end with me having to apologize in some way for how I brought it up, and feeling deeply dissatisfied and like I didn’t make any progress towards healing at all.
I just really need some compassion and courage to leave. Please help me
TLDR: Every time I try to bring up an issue with my bf, he gets very upset and criticizes some way I’ve brought it up in a “mean” way, even when I try my hardest to be gentle and beg him not to get upset. I know I need to break up but since he gets sad, not angry, with me, I find it incredibly difficult because I feel so pained for him.
5 comments
I see this as a form of manipulation. He knows you’re gonna feel bad if he gets sad so you end up feeling like you are the one doing wrong. I understand how hard it can be to leave. But don’t prolong your unhappiness because he gets “sad”. Do what’s best for you and your overall health. You deserve to be happy always. Best wishes OP.
I’m so glad that you know that you have to get out. You are so young and you have so much time to find someone who treats you with love and respect. It sounds like you have a safe place to stay, with your mom. That’s great; go stay with her. Don’t try to explain to him why you’re going; he doesn’t care about your feelings or what’s best for you. Pack up your most important things, go to your mom’s, text him that you’ve moved out, and then block him. You’ve identified that the hard part for you is feeling like you’re hurting him, and you don’t like that feeling. The truth is that *you’re* already hurting; he hurts you *all of the time*. What you would be doing is freeing yourself from that pain. The pain of hurting him would fade as you felt more of the freedom of your independence. Do you have access to therapy? A therapist would be able to help you manage your feelings as you make this transition.
Oh, he’s doing the Mopey Bit. He’s got The Sads, and he’s blaming you for it.
Not your problem/not your fault. Dump Eeyore and live your life.
His sadness is not your problem. He’ll put his big boy pants on and find someone else to manipulate in no time.
As much as we want to HELP you, it is in your control to walk out those doors, don’t give us reasons why you can’t leave. Just get it together and realize you deserve to be happy without an ingrate toxic behavior who is CLEARLY pulling the “pitty party of sadness”
You have the power to leave!