Worried guys won’t ever date me

30 comments

1. Work on your insecurities. If you don’t like your body then do things to improve your perception. That could be small like hiking and cutting dairy on Tuesdays or a daily walk and one apple a day. Wear clothing that brings you joy and makes you want to swing your hips (flowy skirts).

2. You don’t like your body, you don’t like yourself, you generally keep to yourself and you have pre-conceived notions of what men want based on nonsense about seeming desperate, or insecure.

   Therapy.

3. Well, as a 50 year old guy, I can assure you I’m looking for someone around my age who is smart and preferably works in a field like you do! I’ve been in I.T. my whole career and tech/computers/sci-fi/geeky stuff kind of defines me.

   My frustration is that the dating scene for guys my age is full of women who seem to only be interested in such things as finding a motorcycle riding guy, or an outdoorsy type who wants to go fishing and camping every weekend. Either that, or they’re the type with a house chocked full of dogs/cats and they seem more into that than relationships with other people.

   I don’t know if I’ve run into a single woman on the free dating sites who struck me as very intelligent? Most have careers like “bartender” or “stock clerk” or something. I’m not opposed to meeting people like that, and I’m sure a bartender has some great conversation skills and stories and might even be really funny. But women in tech or I.T. are still sort of rare.

4. >I had something very had happen and I lost all my trust in people.

   This doesn’t sound positive. You need to work on yourself first. Maybe seek therapy to resolve any past issues you may have.

5. There’s a common fallacy that for some reason you have to market yourself to be universally desired by all potential partners. You don’t. Some men like smart women. Some don’t.

   Instead of worrying about all folks that might not be attracted to you, focus on the ones that might. Instead of worrying about looking “desperate”, imagine all the opportunities you’ll have with the men that appreciate a woman that initiates.

   The best thing you can do to attract other people is to work on yourself.

6. Your relationship with someone else is only going to be as good as your relationship with yourself. I hope you take time to work on your internal relationship (therapy might be beneficial). Once you’re at a happy and healthy place you’ll attract the right someone. Wishing you nothing but the best!

7. > …some men find women who initiate as desperate.

   This is like worrying about being squashed by a meteor or winning the lottery. The **vast** majority of men would be overjoyed to be asked out by a woman.

8. You’re like the 5th woman I’ve seen post worrying about being too smart/ambitious/direct for men to accept.

   Honestly, smart women are rare. And guys who feel emasculated by how smart you are don’t deserve you.

   I’ll agree your pool of men might reduce (even now) but the men that enjoy you will be really into you.

   I only know this cuz I’m one of those kinds of guys. I’m 32 M and those are the types of women that excite me and get me.

   Side note: my whole family has women like that, so it’s what I’m used to.

   My dating history is full of women with all kinds of smarts and in multiple industries and of different shapes. We enjoyed each other fully…

   So don’t change or conform, there are guys like me who find you absolutely irresistible and only want to see you excel.

   You’re also 23, you’re a new-ish adult be patient with yourself and try to be genuine. Most people don’t figure out their way until their 40s.

   For smart people it’s earlier, breathe, be humble, keep asking questions, keep being honest.

   Who you are and the people you surround yourself with (and love) matters way more, in the long run.

9. All I’m hearing is “I date the wrong kind of men” I know I’m dumb, I’d love to have a smart woman 😂😂

   Edit: Jennifer Walters is my new waifu.

   Big, green momma! Carry me hoooooooooome! 😂😏

10. I’d say stop letting your fears stop you from showing guys your interested in them, sometimes you might need to get used to rejecting or rejection so that you learn its not that bad. If someone is rude to you, then at least you don’t want to date that person.

    Just focus on what you do and what you like to do. If you feel that bad, talk to a therapist for help to learn how to deal with your fears, etc.

11. I certainly wouldn’t feel emasculated if a woman approached me for a date surprised yes but emasculated no

12. Do not worry about catering to the crowd. Focus on being the best version of yourself first.

    There are many guys who will appreciate smart women, but you won’t find them everywhere. The hard part is finding them, which might be tough due to your young age, and your social circles. Neither of those are your fault, but you can definitely influence your social circles once you know what you are looking for. Good luck!

13. Then work on your body… Go to the gym maybe?

    Or make a Tinder, get 500 likes in a day and pick the best bet.

14. If I was 13 years younger I’d be all over you! I love smart women! Plus your other problem you have I like them too!!

15. You dont like your body -> work on it, gyms are everywhere

    You dont like yourself -> work on it, therapy

    Everything in life has to be worked for, there is no shortcut

16. This might sound vicious so I apologize in advance, but if you don’t love yourself, you cannot expect others to love you. You say you don’t like your body, so work towards getting the body you want. Love yourself, and put that person out there.

    As for initiative, it doesn’t/ shouldn’t matter who makes the first move, hell guys tend to wonder if women are interested in them often (I know I do)

17. Start an exercise program of some kind, being grounded in your body creates confidence. Making healthful changes is key to attracting people. Starting disciplines when younger is easier than later in life.

    Don’t worry about emasculating someone because you showed interest.

    Both sexes: How do we know unless You say Something. So i decided i have to say something too. You’re younger so is far more likely you can just say something without wondering if they’re married. But just be tactful.

    If you had some trauma- EMDR is good, try both methods, i started with successful results at the third session. It’s not 20 year talk therapy but i definitely used it for addressing all sorts of traumas including a car accident and a scary dog thing when i was little.

18. What do you do?

    Let go. Just let go.

    Realize that everything you just mentioned- exist only in your mind. Your mind creates your reality, and it is suffocating “you”. Perception is everything. Be beautiful in “who” you are, have faith in that, and desire “true love” in being known and seen for it. When this happens, same recognizes same, and you will find yourself “in love” with someone. For when you are truly “in” love with someone, you are “in” it together. The operative word being “with” . Otherwise, you just “have love” for someone.
    Of course, in writing that I just realized a lot of beautiful things about my own situation… and how it came to be. But, also where it started… and how it came to be.

    I have a self-conscious…. unsurity about my body. My physical attractiveness. I have had issues and concerns with “when/how/where/why” to approach a woman, how am I viewed or perceived in doing so. I also had compatability fears- if someone is this way or that way, and I am this way or that way- will it work is that ok? Self doubts, unsurity and confusion….. but this is what happened-

    I met her not thinking of romance or myself- I approached her with honest and innocent intent (a question about hair dye for my daughter). The conversation flowed, without effort, without motive. She said some things I related to, much further under the surface of “regular social interactions.”
    We exchanged numbers as it was a pleasant meeting. We randomly texted, or met up for just… that same pleasant experience. As time went by… and other things in life continued to evolve… we just so happened to be open to talking more, and opening up about ourselves and who we actually are. I built up love and appreciation for who she simply “is”. Without realizing it, she had been “showing” me the same. I had love for her, and her for me.
    Until this comment, I would have said, “I fell in love first”. Maybe now I’d say, I woke up to being loved first. Because she did love me, every step of the way… its just who she is really. And I found myself loving her too. In Having love, and giving love for each other- we were actually “in” love with each other, by the very act of actually loving one another. Before we kissed, before I realized truly her physical attractiveness to me… we had connected in that way.
    After that kiss, and other things… outside ideas and perceptions came into the situation, complicating perceptions- confusing the mind, and interfering with the very natural receptivity and reciprocation, of love.
    Clearing away perceptions, anything born of the self in the idea of a relationship- just seeing her for who she truly is, and there it is, whole and pure- the very same; love.

    So seek nothing, and find everything. Lack in nothing in wanting for your self, and you will find every thing your true self needs will gravitate to you. Let go, and anything and everything will be within grasp. What your mind holds onto, will prevent you from grasping anything else 😉 .

19. I am a classically attractive and confident woman and say this with utmost sincerity: even gets rejected, everyone gets hurt.

    Love is a battle field.

20. I’m insecure and not pretty. I’m also smart and sometimes social. Men don’t like me because I’m smart and they’re stupid.
    You sound like a fun person to be with…

21. The guys who would feel emasculated aren’t men tbh. Most men would be totally fine with you initiating. Initiating doesn’t mean planing the first three dates, it could be as simple as just being the first to say hello and showing interest. You only seem desperate when you are breathing down his neck your first encounter.

    Confidence in your self is sexy. You don’t need to be the loudest in the room with the spotlight on you. Just being comfortable in your skin, knowing your passions and accepting your own strengths and weaknesses while actively trying to improve/grow is enough to attract people.

    Don’t limit yourself

22. you gotta love yourself before you can accept love from others. you’ve got a long road ahead but keep making friends and going out, dating and flings. it all builds confidence and teaches you things. maybe start small, something like volunteering. it’s important to be social, being a hermit will only hurt you and deteriorates your social skills faster than you would think. you don’t want to focus your energy on getting guys, instead focus it on living a life you would want to live.

23. Get yourself out there. You don’t need to innitiate, but a good and easy way to start being out there is dating apps. Just keep it simple and casual on your profile. Most dudes will make the first move. Work on your confidence, but that comes with time. Don’t ever settle for a man, especially a man that is intimated by your intelligence and career. Wishing you the best.

24. You have confidence issues, I’m almost the exact same as you except I’m a guy (22). Just replace the afraid of initiating contact bc ur afraid of looking desperate, to afraid of initiating contact because I’m afraid of looking creepy. We’re basically the same.

    I recommend therapy for both of us so we can learn to love ourselves

25. Best advice I can give you is to stop worrying so much about what men think and start going after what **you** want. If your partner doesn’t accept you for you, than they’re the wrong person for you.

    >I have trouble initiating contact with guys because some men find women who initiate as desperate. So I have the man initiate everything. I don’t want to look desperate or emasculate a guy so I just sit back.

    Any guy who feels emasculated because a woman initiated with him rather than him being the “big man taking control” needs a kick in the nuts and a boot to the curb. That’s exactly the type of person who would be horrible to be with as an insecure individual, because they’ll just reinforce your beliefs about you being less than others.

    >I’m 23 and I’m worried once I reach a certain age men will think I am no longer good.

    Men have fewer and fewer options as they get older because the women they’re interested in wind up in marriages and with kids. Single women – especially if they have no children – are never out of the running.

26. I’ll be honest, you’re going to have to break your cycle.

    Right now, your cycle is I don’t like my body and I’m insecure>I fear that men would find me desperate>I don’t want to seem desperate so I keep myself at a distance>I have a good job and thats intimidating to men I hear. Its a spiral that you keep finding things wrong about you. That right there makes you unapproachable.

    And really until you find a way out of that spiral of thinking, no one is going to find you attractive. Thats pretty harsh for me to say and I apologize if I offend you but, you’re clearly not happy and I’d rather peel the band-aid off then try to make things sugary for you.

    Right now, what you should do is seek out a pattern behavior that you do that puts yourself down. Keep a notebook and for a week right down moments where your mood went positive and moments when your mood was negative. And not just from interactions from external sources. I’m talking everytime you feel bad about yourself.

    The point of the exercise is basically to recognize when the behavior happens how you feel. From there, your awareness of the issue will make you realize that you’re in control of how act or react to situations.

    This is about finding more about you and developing emotional awareness. You say you don’t like your body then ask what it is about your body you don’t like. Once you recognize what you are, you can start working on who you want to be. Yes this is the cliche advice of diet and exercise will help but more importantly working on yourself will change the perception of how you see you. Because if you see yourself one way and thats the energy your putting out then others have no choice but to only see what your showcasing.

    Your hobbies, do they include friends or are they introverted hobbies? Do you have a group of friends? Can any of your hobbies be done with like minded people?

    I can understand being afraid of dating but, you’re not even dipping a toe into the pool because of every negative thing you’ve heard about it. So my suggestion? Get new source material. Dating is tough because it requires us to be 100% the people we want to be 100% of the time. Or so it seems. Instead look at it as what you have to offer in dating. A good job is a good start but your job is not your personality.

    And if none of this sounds appealing, then please seek out a professional that can work with you through these issues.

27. Then do something so you like your body. If you don’t like it, no one else will.

    Tough but your competition is all those people who go to the gym every day for 2 hours, and have been for years.

    Confidence will come as you work out.

    Men will date someone any age, that doesn’t matter. You’re very young, you have nothing to worry about.

28. The whole stick of men disliking smart women is old and doesn’t apply to the kind of people you would want to date. Also most people in our generation are looking for someone who is just more than looks so your brain will come in handy.

    When it comes to your body everyone has insecurities and we are our own biggest critic like I notice things about my body that no one else would even care about.

    I have never had a woman approach me but by lord if it happened I would be a happy camper for a long time, it’s not viewed as desperate imo it’s quite attractive.

    Best of luck to you!

29. No we don’t. I don’t know who started the rumor about that but we definitely will never find a woman desperate for approaching us. I have never heard a man even utter those words.

30. You need to go to therapy And learn to love yourself, value yourself and stop thinking (overthinking) about what people like or don’t like.

    A partner should be an positive addition, not a hindering person/connection, who you have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. People marry those kinds and end up morbidly depressed.