If your partner is awful at sex but it’s a turn off to give them directions, what do you do?

31 comments

1. > If your partner is awful at sex but it’s a turn off to give them directions, what do you do?

   You change your attitude and give them directions.

   Then they will learn and no longer require directions, and also be better at sex.

   Invest in your future or be damned to be stuck in the present.

   > Our relationship is great in every aspect aside from sex. He just can’t seem to let go of the garbage porn taught him. I’ve shown him a thousand times how to touch me and he just wants to jam a finger down there and act like he’s vigorously rubbing out a tough stain or something, and it’s awful. I basically avoid sex to the best of my ability and he seems to think I just lack libido or something. I don’t, he’s just terrible at sex.

   You need to have big, big talk outside of the bedroom. Can’t teach the unwilling. He needs an even bigger attitude adjustment.

2. Yeah I experienced this with my first 2 partners, I just didn’t have sex with them much then eventually the relationships died and I found a partner who knows what he’s doing and it’s great. I am not telling Yu to leave him but maybe just make it obvious he isn’t good. Like don’t fake it for his sake and maybe he will catch on he sucks and make an effort to improve in his own

3. Girl!! I wouldn’t be with a person who hasn’t made me orgasm once in seven years. Not even with his mouth??? Could you take control and ride his face? Or my old fave, 69? Tell him to go down on you and when he’s doing it right, moan and move a bit so he gets encouraged (maybe go overboard with encouragement in his case), just go quiet and limp if it’s bad and just make him stay down there under those instructions till you cum? Or just before cumming, (I assume he’ll be hard) tell him you really want his cock and then he gets the gratification of seeing you come hard on him, all his work (even though you’re guiding). Would watching you play with yourself turn him on…maybe he just needs the visual and the absolute turn on of what it looks lik e when you do cum like a train… Hope things get better!!

4. “Vigorously rubbing out a tough stain ”

   Best line I’ve heard all day! Got a laugh from that one.

5. Sounds frustrating, yes.

   We had a lot of luck with the tutorial videos from OMGyes, but they’re not free. The other random thing that helped was I came across a subreddit of enlarged clitorises (don’t even ask) and when he saw that it just finally clicked for him that my clit needs attention just like the head of his dick does.

6. It is awkward, and it doesn’t enhance the moment, but you really just have to communicate it with them. Honestly when I first did it with my bf it was so awkward I hated it, but SO worth it, and the “awkwardness” is just a chance to bond and get closer to eachother really.

   Maybe something that would be easier is to have him watching tv/something else and you grab his hand and use it how you want to. That way his attention isn’t completely on you, and you dont have to be verbal about it?

7. Confused.

   “My husband doesn’t satisfy me, he uses techniques in assuming are from porn. I told him what to do, but he didn’t apply the techniques to my standards. I’ve stopped having sex with him. He seems to kind of get it now, and asked me for direct communication on how to pleasure me, but I feel I already tried that, so therefore, I shouldn’t have to again. Shame on him for not listening the first time, he’s in the wrong, I’m in the right. Oh, and communication is a turn off, he should just know by now. He should go watch porn, videos, read articles, that are subjectively written about the broad scope of people, on how to pleasure me, even though it seems he’s actually, now, interested in learning about my needs.”

   Either, get over the resentment by communicating, teach your husband what you want, now that he’s actually showing you he’s interested, or decide you don’t want to put in the effort and leave him for someone you’re more compatible with.

   IDK what you’re looking for? Validation you’re in the right? Dude was a lousy lover, agreed, but sounds like he’s willing to put in effort (now) and you’re resentful.

   I’d be resentful too. But your choices are, communicate and work through it, or find a new partner.

8. Have you thought about using a sex therapist as an intermediary? Maybe the third party will help the two of you get through to him.

9. Does your area have a sex shop that gives classes? He can go and learn things. Also your local kink group may also have classes you and he can visit together or separately.

   Also books. Lots and lots of books are available on this subject and many have pictures or diagrams.

10. As a man who is terrible in bed, I can only apologise on his and my behalf.

11. I’m genuinely sad when I think about the situation you’re in. I also like to point something out, that nobody has mentioned yet: It’s not just your partner that’s bad at sex; you are, too. It’s this thing you said, that struck me the most:

    >I’ve honestly considered telling him that if he doesn’t at least try what I’ve told him, we’re not doing it at all.

    I’m sad to hear, that you start considering this only after seven years. To put it into perspective: If someone doesn’t try to do what is enjoyable for me just once or twice, I’m not letting them touch me until we’ve worked something out, that works for both of us.

    Being good at sex is not just about pleasuring your partner, but also about taking responsibility for your own pleasure and boundaries.

    Have you considered getting professional help from a sex/couples therapist? I think that might be your best bet.

    In addition, I can highly recommend the work of Dr. Betty Martin. She wrote a book called “The art of Receiving and Giving” and has a free online video course on her website: [https://bettymartin.org/videos/](https://bettymartin.org/videos/).

    Both the book and the course are about learning how to receive, give, take and allow in ways that are pleasurable without falling into the habit of enduring, self-sacrificing, exploiting or perpetrating. I think it might be helpful for both of you.

12. Buy your partner a book on what women want.

13. Search for Kenneth Play on Pornhub and watch some instructional videos…

    [OMGyes](https://www.omgyes.com/) is also a great resource for you both…

    Good luck 🍀

14. Get over it and communicate with them or break up and find someone else.

    Those are really the only two options that result in change.

15. One of the greatest things a new partner ever did for me was to invite me over for a session where she taught me how to pleasure her. It was such an incredible gift to receive, and such an impressive thing for a partner to do — and it was great fun.

    I wish I could figure out how to tell that story to my daughters.

    So many times in life we are taught this lesson. Rather than wait for people to figure out what pleases you, just teach them.

16. Not a single orgasm in 7 years? Oof I’m so sorry for you, I would have left 6 years and 11 months ago, easy for me to say being amab but still. I feel like this is a time you can warn him has has to get it together, listen and research because you have a huge problem. If he hasn’t listened to you teaching him all this time I feel like you can be slightly brutal about it. Be honest and tell them you basically hate sex at this point because it’s just that bad.

    To be more constructive, curate some sources/tutorials you know apply to you and give them to him and impress upon him how important it is he use all of them. Withholding sex until he has had a good go at said material would be pretty fair at this point even tbh.

    Good luck.

17. Nina Hartley has a video for men on how to give oral sex to a women and most men say they definitely learned a thing or two. She goes over it slow like a third grader so it sounds like it would be perfect for your husband.

18. I just can’t imagine sticking around and putting up with that for 7 years. It seems like you’ve done everything you can to change things and yet nothing has changed. You might want to think about whether this is a dealbreaker because I doubt anything will change at this point.

19. It might help to break it down into small steps–this is how you finger me, this is how you give me head, etc. It can be a kind of edging, which may cut down on the buzzkill factor.

    If you put it in terms of “this is how *I* like it,” it salves his ego a bit–he hasn’t been doing it absolutely wrong all this time, you’re just a special case. It’s disgusting, I know, but if it gets him there you can disabuse him of that comfortable fiction later.

    It’s kind of like training a puppy–the minute he goes back to his bad-porn behaviors, give him a sharp “No!” and stop the lesson for a minute. When he gets it right, reinforce lavishly, but not too lavishly–leave him hungry for more.

20. You have less spontaneous sex once or twice so you can have much better sex for the rest of the relationship. Or you accept the rate of progress currently. Those are the options.

    That said, much of it can be accomplished in flattering, dirty talk and doesn’t have to come across like you’ve just dusted off some leatherbound treatise on “Principles of Female Pleasure.”

21. I learned a lot about this is my human sexualities classes, and even talked about it in my sociology of deviance class! When working at a sex shop I heard this exact story all the time.

    Some couples (me included) are fine not orgasming during sex, and that’s okay. For some the best part is the play, leading up to the orgasm.

    However it sounds like that’s not what you enjoy, you want and need the orgasm and that’s okay too.

    If you want to stay in a relationship with this person, and it sounds like you’ve communicated clearly your needs more than once and he’s still not getting it? It’s time to bring in a 3rd party, a sex therapist. He might legitimately not understand what you’re trying to tell him, and is too scared to ask. Sometimes having that third party might be able to communicate in a way he understands so your needs can be met.

    It can be incredibly unsexy feeling unheard in the bedroom. I would hate it personally. I would probably actually be pretty angry.

    Know your feelings are valid and maybe it’s time to draw out a plan of action so that you don’t build resentment.

    Of course you could bring toys or kinky things into the bedroom, but if he isn’t already understanding the basics then it’s just going to make things harder for him to understand.

22. Find some good porn to send him

23. Send him porn hub tutorials by women on how to do stuff?

24. Mine tried to sneak a quick bang in this morning without even warming me up. He was actually trying to put it in me while I was half asleep which I don’t mind, he has my full permission to use my body but I was just… COME ON?!!! No rubbing or touching of any kind?! I hadn’t even moved against him rubbing his dick on my ass. I took his hand off his dick and put it on my clit and it stopped him in his tracks. I didn’t do it subtly. I made him work for it and he got so turned on that I made him wait, I couldn’t wait long when I felt how much he wanted to fuck me and we went HARD. I’m still basking in the afterglow 😏😆🤗
    We have great sex but due to various reasons (not all his fault) I have struggled to orgasm with him and I’ve been trying to explain how he needs to touch me and build desire before hand etc. It is hard when they seem to think they have a good sex life because they get off. It’s selfish and that’s kinda hurtful. I actually had to say so and now we’re getting somewhere. This morning I instantly thought no way! You’re being selfish again expecting to use me as a cum receptacle without turning me on first. Stopping what he was doing reinforced the conversations we’ve had and he put the work in. I intend to do this EVERY time he rushes to get his end away. It’s the only way he’s gonna learn 🤣

25. What an awful situation. So you’ve told him it’s not good, told him how to touch you and he just won’t do it? Does he try to do it the way you’ve told him but is not getting it right, or will he just refuse to do it your way, like in a selfish way? If it’s a selfish kind of thing, that’s just awful. But if he’s really trying, maybe send him the links of instruction videos and sit there and watch them with him, together. It sounds awful, and something I’ve had with my ex, although not in the same way as you and not as bad. It’s not difficult though, is it. If someone told me where to touch them, or go slower or whatever, I’d just do it. Ugh. My ex of 11 years never made me cum either. I’m sorry you are going through this.

26. I was in a long term relationship with my SO before we finally became a couple at last . Through the long months of not seeing each other our texts became more sexually charged .

    We found I had a knack of turning her on with my descriptions of what I would do with her and for her and how it made me feel. She said reading all the detail of where we was , the lighting , the back story and the actual play and lovemaking made her horny as hell and she would finish whilst reading it.

    But it also gave her insight into how we would be when we was able to meet again. I didn’t send face time or video as her imagination did that for her. Plus it worked as a blue print for her and for myself to know what we both liked.

    Maybe sit down and write him a little story of how you love him and how you become aroused by him and describe him doing things for you that you like . Include how it makes you feel , the feelings like butterflies in your tummy and your reactions . It maybe the hint he needs to take action. Our imagination is an important sexual tool. To have your partner describe how they desire you and what they want is hot AF. And reading it provides a mental picture which lasts .

27. Would he be ok with a ban on porn for a while to get in touch with what real desire and sex feels like?

    I’m sorry you are in this situation. And i get it 7 years is a long time and sometimes every thing else is great.

    My only idea is blunt honesty but it could lead to you two breaking up… so idk how you’d feel about it.

    Like if he does that godawful move again can you stop him immediately or tell him it hurts??? In a very obvious way? Because if he doesn’t care about that there’s no saving him.

    If you like good sex it’s a shame you’re not having any. Have you also talked about opening the relationship? Maybe it will wake him up.

    Really hope he has an epiphany and something works. Please keep us updated. You can also pm me if you want for real advice and not something weird (I’m sorry people are harassing you here). All the best.

28. I’ve only been with 2 ppl, my cureent relationship is 7 years as well and stopped having sex after 2 years, everything else is great and I just don’t have drive nor sexual attraction. But are great as is, idk if gnna be able to get him to be Mr sex, but maybe a sex therapist is the best bet for improving sex outcomes

29. Guessing this is already on your radar if you’ve been trying for this long, but I want to throw it out there in case it’s not: Is there a way you could make telling him what you need sexy for you? Like, instead of just saying it, purr it in his ear, “if you do *this* while doing *this* I will go absolutely wild.” It might motivate him to put in more effort too.

30. Gift him copies of *She Comes First* by Ian Kerner and *Come as You Are* by Emily Nagoski. I would also recommend you read the book by Nagoski and use it as a starting point for conversation.

31. You can’t avoid communication during sex. We all wish it worked like that, but people can’t read minds. Even if your partner somehow learned all the “theory” of how to make a woman orgasm, you’d still have to actively participate in sex and tell or show them what’s working and what isn’t. Even if he does something most women like, it’s still a bit different for every individual woman.

    It seems to me like your partner is a lost cause (maybe couple’s therapy would be worth a try, though), but you’re never going to meet a man who does everything exactly the way you want without you having to say a word or otherwise indicate it, like in erotic novels. It really sucks how media aimed at women created this idea that great sex is one where no communication is needed and women can just lie back and enjoy perfectly personalised pleasuring (alliteration unintended) without having to put any effort into it themselves. That’s just not how sex works in reality. Great sex takes both people being good at it, not just one.

    Also, you didn’t mentioned what you yourself do during sex other than expecting him to do things to you. Have you ever tried taking a more active role during sex? Ride his face instead of him giving you oral, or use his fingers to get off, or just ride him whatever way you both want – you could just lie on top of him and grind yourself off, or use the gyrating motion. You could even take charge of the motion from most other positions too. You can grab his hips and direct him that way. Or even just rub your own clit while you’re having sex. You don’t have to be completely dependent on men doing everything just to get your orgasm.

    Besides, in my experience at least, not feeling pressured to be solely responsible for both of their orgasms tends to show men’s true colours. If they genuinely care about you, this can actually make sex better because it frees their attention to focus on just pleasuring each other and enjoying sex in a more holistic way. If they don’t give a fuck about your pleasure at all, then of course it will only be more apparent, that’s certainly not going to lead to good sex, but at least you can try to just take your own orgasm and tell him to fuck off afterwards instead of feeling shafted.