Hello everyone
It has been a year since I stopped talking with a friend of mine. We were good friends, even after he went to another country, so it was a bit harsh when the dispute happened. I don’t know who was right in this situation so let me give the details.
I was never good with social interactions, especially regarding girls and seduction. More like a geek than a Casanova, playing RPG and reading comics. My friend was like me until he move me to study in another country.
Each of us lived his life but still talked from time to time. I know he started martial arts and talking to girls in the street. Also trying to be invited in more social events.
At the same time I was (and still am) struggling with depression. I used to talk about it with my friend for it was one of the only with whom I could talk about that. I however tried to go out more often in bars and talk to people, including girls to offer a drink or just stay in contact. Trying to make efforts.
So, one night, I was in a bar and met a group of girls who gathered boys, me and two others, for a drinking game. I participated and we discussed. Everything seemed fine. One of the girls, let’s call her M. , was very nice and we talked a bit. I even got her number.
Later, she explained discreetly to me that she was too shy to tell the boy she likes (one other than me from the group) that she is interested in him. I thought it was too bad for me but if I could help someone that was nice with me to have a good night, why not help her. I talked with the said boy and they ended up together.
I was disappointed but happy for them. I told the situation to my friend. He was furious. He told me I was stupid because I should have kept the girl for myself. He said he was tired of discussing with such a pathetic looser and stopped talking to me. I don’t remember what I answered but we stopped talking.
I don’t know what to think about this situation since then. Who was right ?
P.S: M. tried to invite me to drink with the group, but they didn’t want me. They stopped seeing me.
‘TL;DR resume’
A friend stopped talking to me and called me a looser because I helped a girl being with the men she liked instead of « keeping her for myself as he said ». Who was right?
17 comments
Your friend is an asshole. You had no indication that “keeping her for yourself” was even an option. She didn’t express interest in you, she expressed interest in another guy and you did her a solid. You’re right.
Nah ur “friend” was in the wrong. You can’t force a girl to like you, especially if she has a crush on someone else. And him calling you a loser for that, just shows he isn’t really a true friend. There are better friends out there.
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If a girl isn’t interested in you, you move on. He sounds like the kind of guy who can’t take no for an answer. That’s a serious red flag to me.
Helping the girl take a move is definitely good. You don’t gain anything but I think it counts as paying it forward.
Don’t hang to friends who don’t share the same values.
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You were right. She said she wants to be with other guy you can’t force her. Good thing your friend cut contact try to make new friends you can also feel free to message me.
All the best
Err, you didn’t lose a friend because you helped a girl.
You lost a friend because he’s a shit bloke.
Btw my husband is a “nerd” and loves RPG, and he’s my favorite adult in the whole world, and definitely *my* Casanova. I wouldn’t trade him for anyone in the world.
You had ethical standards and your ex-friend don’t. You are nice person, he is not. You two were incompatible. People with ethical standards are annoying to jerks sometimes, cause they show it is actually possible to not be jerk. Plus, you have shown you wont be down with whatever antics they are up to normally.
I don’t think your friend meant you are a looser because of the particular incident with the girl. He knows you for years and probably thought like that for a very long time before he finally gave up on you. That’s why he is the asshole, he could have given you his honest opinion before, instead of blowing up and giving up on you suddenly. But you are also fulling yourself here. It is not about what happened to the bar or the girl. It is because he is doing “well” in life and doesn’t want to be friends with someone who only complains about being jobless, single, depressed. I get that. Are you maybe feeling like a victim too much? That would make anyone not to want to associate with you. Since you said that about the other people as well. Do you have other friends?
To be honest I think your reaction was very mature. My guess is your ex friend saw a lot of his own insecurity in your actions. Also there is no keeping a girl for yourself, if she told you she liked another guy why tf would she be into you? Lol that makes no sense plus it’s a really poor way to view women. That said I think there’s some more undertone here besides what’s been said. I could be reading this wrong but you seemed to be dumping a lot of your own depression and issues on your ex friend. Maybe that’s also why he reacted so strongly. I think there’s different sides to the story we’re not getting.
your friend sounds like an asshole who thinks he’s a pickup artist
I really love what you done but you were like the middle man and I feel hurt that the girl had the audacity to say to you that she liked you friend better. She didn’t think about your feelings, she didn’t act nice to you so what if she was shy why is she pretending and giving you her number. Making you think you had hope to get with her then she says she wants your friend. You didn’t have to do anything for her if she wanted your mate she should of grown some balls and give him her number instead of using ppl.
Your friend is in the wrong. Not only morally (you don’t get to decide who someone likes) but also from a meeting girls perspective.
You now have this girl as a friend. Organise meetups and outings with your larger friend groups. Best way to meet and get to know potential dates is in that sort of casual, safe, low pressure friendly environment. Worst thing that can happen is you make more friends.
My husband and I first got closer playing in a mixed netball team with friends. In a few weeks we are attending the wedding of another friend who originally started hanging out because he was interested in getting to know a few girls in our group. Didn’t click, but now we are all friends with him and his new partner (soon to be wife).
Life is better when you see the opposite sex as people and not goals to be attained.
Women are not a fucking Duran Duran CD, you don’t get to “keep” them or give them away. Your friend is poison, he might have women in his life but he sounds more miserable than you.
Keep your chin up, you sound like a good person. I met my wife because we were both into RPGs, you’ll be fine.
Your friend was wrong about this specific interaction. You absolutely did the right thing that night. Having said that, something else about your post stuck out to me:
> I used to talk about it with my friend for it was one of the only with whom I could talk about that.
It sounds an awful lot like you were asking too much out of this guy emotionally. Especially given his reaction to the later situation. If you vent all of your problems to the same person, and you do it constantly, eventually that person gets fed up with it. Essentially, you should ask yourself if maybe you were using this “friend” as a free therapist.
EDIT: OP you really need to get into therapy, if that’s available to you.
So what you’re saying here is a dude stopped being friends with you cuz you wouldn’t abduct a girl who was not into you? He sounds creepy as heck! What the hell does “keep her for yourself” mean when she clearly wasn’t into you?
You’re great. And better off without rapey dudes in your life. It’s not a loser attitude to respect consent. You’ll get good women. Take care of yourself. Go out there more. There are heartbreaks. Not just in the form of rejection but also (girls face it more so we’re glad to be rejected actually) in the form of shallow people pursuing you, leading you on.
But if you get out there enough, keep shitty people away from yourself, like yourself for the things that are likable about you, embrace the things that aren’t so great, you’ll definitely find good relationships.