TLDR: fwb for 7 months. It turned into more than casual while just being a fuck buddies. Now idk if I fell for her or just hurt my ego.
We’re both 19F but she uses reddit aswell so I changed the age.
I met a girl from a dating app this year. We hooked up on our first date and asked her to be my fwb. After that, we’ve been seeing each other for 7 months every sunday. We go out to eat before I go to her place, I’ve met her friends, have a couple name for each other, cried infront of each other, and even talked about getting married, have kids, get a dual citizenship if we ended up in a serious relationship (i’m from the top of america, EH! and swedes hates her country as a joke of course).
The thing is I’m sure that I’m not ready for that relationship. I want to get married and have a family of my own, but I know that I’m unlucky with that kind of thing so I’m trying to forget this dream. I also have a different goal right now. I want to finish school, work as much as I can, travel, and stay in the hook up culture until, I guess, get tired of it or found “the perfect” match for me. I also haven’t moved on on how the previous person that I loved hurted me. I have flashbacks and cried about it (not the person) when I’m drunk.
I’m also sure that this girl isn’t sure about me aswell. She haven’t move on to the girl who blocked them. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I get jealous whenever I hear her name. She’s very smart and I’m not (just good looking lol just kidding!). She also emotionally cheated on her ex when she met her (it could lead into physical if the other girl said yes to her). I believe in once a cheater always a cheater and I also feel like she sees me lower than people around her (I go to college and she goes to uni. I’m not that smart (maybe cuz of my untreated adhd). She keep saying that I’m in a cult, but it just only my family and not me and other stuff that boiled my blood or am I just being a paranoid and immature?).
I’ve tried to push her away but she said that she won’t leave me and do her best to understand me lol. I deleted our pictures and our old messages, but we’re still talking to meet up and trying my best to keep things casual.
Yesterday, I messaged her that we can just chill on our next meet up because she just moved to her new place so her things is prolly messy. She replied like you shouldn’t come if you don’t want to have sex with a lol at the end. For some reason, it changed my mood. I tried to not be emotional about it but I just went to my room and cried and talked to myself to confort me. I guess it just hurted my ego?
I also noticed the pattern that I did to the person that I loved and hurted me. I put too much things and effort on the table even though we’re not together and me not sure about my intentions and when they don’t feel anything about me i get hurt for some reason (I guess i’m just a people pleaser and a dumbass lmao)
Am i falling? How to keep things casual in the future? What should I do and what should I feel?