Let my start off by firstly saying that I love this girl more than anything, and I wouldn’t wish to change a single thing about her.
We have been dating for a little longer than a year, and have had no problems between each other rarely even arguing, just pure bliss. Last month, I went to go visit my mom who lives across the country. I was only gone a week, but while I was there I kept thinking about memories with my gf, and how I felt like I was putting a lot more effort into our relationship than she was. I didn’t pressuring her into changing or threaten our relationship. I told her how I was feeling, at first she got upset at me asking me how I could possibly say that. She ended up crying an telling me that I was right and that she dosent know why she “treats” me like that.
After that night things got awkward between us until I eventually came home and we hung out. That was 2 weeks ago, and we have pretty much been very argumentative and upset at each other. Since then we have both moved into college somthing 45 min of each other but still at least a little distance between us. We talked about what was happening between us the day before left and concurrently decided it would be best if talked on the phone everyday no matter what, didn’t have to be long or at a particular time. The other night I asked when we were gonn talk cause it was around 11 and I hadn’t heard anything. She texted me back and said she was walking with her girlies, they’re were taking her to a frat party, she told me she was gonna be responsible and that she would call me when she finished. I started overthinking about what’s was going on, because I felt like I just got “replaced” without a second thought, and almost that she did it just to upset me. I ended up texting her asking her where she was going and when she was gonna call me. I tried calling her a minute after she told me just so I could figure out what was going on but she ended up telling me I need to stop being up her ass about it. We talked when she got home but I had to stay up till nearly 2 as they had to take an u we home because everybody there had drank. Over the phone I tried explaining to her that I was really hurt by what happened tonight and how she just let go of what we said we were gonna stick to. We didn’t really get a lot of talking done, she was tipsy and was just giggling and saying it’s not a big deal. I ended up getting upset with her and I raised my voice at her. (I still feel awful for doing it)
The night after I still didn’t feel comfortable with what had happened and I confronted her about it, after I apologized for what happened the previous night. She basically told me that I have one last chance to change, I have to stop being insecure, stop being jealous and stop texting her as much. She said she’s just looking to have fun and to get the college experience. She told me that she didn’t do anything wrong that night and that’s she was gonna what she wants to do. She said told me I was being controlling, selfish and that I was pushing her away. She know that one of my biggest fears I being controlling and I feel like she is using my depression and anxiety to manipulate me. (Recently started going to therapy as it started getting so bad) We’ve been on campus for a week and on my side I’m struggling to “keep my head above water”. But on her story and when she’s hanging out with friends u can’t even tell that anything is wrong with her.
I’m positive that I love her and that she is one of a kind. I don’t think I’ll find anyone like her again, but recently it feels like she moved on or that she has somehow changed. I’m just looking for general advice, on what is going on. I don’t feel like I’m overthinking and it might be as simple as really just readjusting to our new environments.
TLDR: My gf and I promised each other that n matter what happened we would at least call and talk ont the phone at least once per day. She recently went out either her girlies to a frat party and drank. She had been putting very minimal effort into our relationship and saying that’s he just dates me because it makes her happy and it’s fun. I feel like she has been putting My gf and I have been struggling to communicate without it ending in someone being upset or her just calling me selfish and controlling.
1 comment
It’s not realistic to be able to expect to talk every day.
At a certain point, a rule like that becomes a leash. You become the reason why she can’t go out and enjoy herself and do normal college things. Every time she thinks, “I’d love to do that, but I have to call my boyfriend who I talked to yesterday and the day before that and the day before that” it’s a little paper cut to your relationship … and sooner or later those paper cuts add up.
You guys made a bad agreement. It was naive. That’s okay, you’re young, that sort of thing happens, but you need to tear it up. It’s not serving you.
I don’t know if your relationship will survive anyway (more on that in a minute) but if it will it’s because she’s EXCITED to talk to you when she talks to you. She has to be able to go out and have fun and then enjoy telling you about it, not feel like she’s going to be given the third degree about who she was with and what she did and how much she drank or whatever.
And the truth is, you were totally unreasonable here. She told you she was going to call you later, and you responded by almost immediately calling her. She hadn’t even broken your “rule” there – so yes, you were absolutely “up her ass” about it. This isn’t her manipulating your fear of being controlling, this is you being told, “Hey, I’m busy, we’ll talk soon,” and not accepting that as an answer.
> I started overthinking about what’s was going on, because I felt like I just got “replaced” without a second thought, and almost that she did it just to upset me.
It sounds like you sort of kind of realize that this is a “you” problem, that you caused this issue, not her, that you thought yourself into a tizzy and took it out on her? You ramping this up to being “really hurt” is, honestly, the kind of thing that makes me think you’re not cut out for a long-distance relationship.
And you were still so upset about it that you lit into her for it the next day. You say you started with an apology but … for what, exactly? Because if you turned around and started putting her on the spot for going out with her friends and having a good time … then you weren’t really apologizing for the real problem with your behavior.
And you say you were overthinking there but now you say you don’t think you’re overthinking? It’s unclear.
Long distance relationships are hard. They’re super hard when you’re at college, and want to live your life – which she, understandably, does. If you become an obstacle to her living her life, she’s going to pick her life rather than your relationship. You absolutely need to find a way to not be “super hurt” if a day – or three! – goes by when you don’t talk.