TLDR: My boyfriend told me he would prefer new pronouns, but I think the change would make me lose attraction to him. When I told him this, he said he’s okay with me using his usual pronouns, but I would feel too guilty doing that.
I feel so unbelievably guilty. I want nothing more than for both of us to be happy. have been with my partner for 3 and a half years. We are so in love with each other and I feel we were genuinely meant for each other. He had always identified as a pansexual man, and I identify as a straight female. I wholeheartedly accept him for his sexuality and have never thought any different of him for it.
We are both avid LGBTQIA+ activities and have many many friends and family members that are part of the community. I actually go to a liberal arts school where the majority of the community identifies as non-binary or otherwise part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Last night, we got to talking about gender identity and the spectrum of gender. He started talking about how he’s never felt like just a man, but not like a woman. He feels somewhere in the middle. This didn’t surprise me, because we’ve sort of discussed this before in passing. My boyfriend has always had a feminine side and doesn’t have the same tendencies or mindsets of a typical cis man. I love that about him. I asked him if he thought he may be non- binary. He told me he thought he might be, but was afraid of accepting that truth about himself. He said he had done a lot of thinning about it over the past year or so, and was scared to tell anyone or talk about it. I was immediately accepting. I told him I would love and accept him no matter what. And that’s true. I know that no matter what I will always love him. I
asked him if he might prefer different pronouns or labels such as they/them pronouns and “partner” instead of “boyfriend” and he said probably.
I know that I was the driving force of this conversation. I know that he didn’t come to me and he simply answered my questions. I could never live with the fact that my partner was potentially hiding a part of their true self from me because they were afraid I would reject them. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t just suffering in silence about his identity every day. He deserves nothing that to feel safe and loved for who he is. Now, after knowing this information, I feel anxious and terrified. I have never been attracted to anything other than men. His identity doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but I know for sure about myself that I would lose attraction to him if I started referring to him as they/them and only called him my partner instead of my boyfriend. It makes me feel so guilty and disgusted with myself that I feel this way, but I don’t think I can change it.
I was transparent with him about this. I told him that I will always love him no matter what and can’t imagine my life without him, but I know I would be uncomfortable and lose romantic interest if I used non-binary terms for my partner because I am only attracted to the idea and presentation of a man. He struggles to understand this, which makes sense because he is pansexual. He says he doesn’t understand how terms and titles can change attraction. For me it does. I told him I feel horribly guilty about this.
He’s now saying that my respect for his identity is more important that the labels I use for him. He says he knows that I accept his non-binary identity and accept it, which I do, so he doesn’t mind if I still use he/him pronouns for him and call him my boyfriend. I told him I don’t think that would be a good idea because that would be him conforming to labels he doesn’t prefer and going against his identity just to keep me comfortable, and that is not fair to him. I would feel so guilty every day using pronouns I know he doesn’t prefer just for my comfort, even if he says it’s okay. He says he wishes I never brought up the topic of his gender identity and wishes he never told me because I am the most important thing in his life and he does want to lose me. He keeps insisting that his original labels are fine for me to use. This makes me feel even worse. He’s so willing to just throw the whole thing out just to keep me happy, but that is just not fair to him.
He deserves to be attracted to and romantically loved for his identity. I don’t know if I can do that. The thought of having a non-binary presenting partner makes me anxious scared if I will even be happy or just pretending. I love him so much, he is my whole world. I know he loves me so much to. I feel like the worst person in the world. Where do I go from here? What do I say to him? Is there anything I can do? Any and all advice is so appreciated.
11 comments
I mean you’re 20, you probably weren’t going to stay together forever anyway. I find your logic bewildering but that doesn’t really matter. Break up if you aren’t attracted any more. They will find other people to date.
A rose by any other name would apparently not smell as sweet. I don’t understand your logic here OP, but I won’t try to talk you out of it.
You pushed them to come out to you then immediately rejected their coming out. They then receded in order to make you happy, and you’re still upset. What are they supposed to do with this? They can’t just stop being non-binary if that’s their truth.
I feel for your partner. They should’ve been supported to come out on their terms. Their coming out should have been about them. Instead it was initiated by you, and now it’s about you.
If you are not attracted to enbies, that is okay. You don’t have to force yourself to be a “good person” or anything. But the reality is your current partner appears to be non-binary – so if you can’t see yourself with an enby, the relationship has run it’s course.
Are you still attracted to him but for the pronouns? Or are you concerned you will be less attracted to him if he expresses a more feminine presentation in addition to the pronouns?
So he’s a bi feminine guy who wants to get in on the new labels hype. If a couple a pronouns are what repress him from being himself or keep you from being with him, then you both are being silly. A word does not a person make but this whole making of 800 labels is messing with relationships that are just fine otherwise. This is sad. I say stay with him if you love him. Nothing’s changed.
>He says he doesn’t understand how terms and titles can change attraction.
Yeah, I don’t either, to be honest, since his presentation isn’t changing and that’s what you liked about him in the first place. Don’t know if there’s anywhere to go from here if this is extinguishing your feelings for him. I guess it’s a question of if you’re willing to examine your own feelings to see if there’s some latent gender issue there, or if it’s just who you are and how you feel.
You sound really self-absorbed and not at all like you were actually supportive. Every part of this is about you, you pushing, you wanting, you having some ideal of attraction instead of being attracted to the person in front of you.
If this is how you feel break up. Honestly, I don’t get how a simple verbal shift introduces this much trouble for you. I’m a trans woman & would understand if something like hormone therapy that significantly changed the person’s body or scent was happening and your attraction shifted, but a semantic issue sounds like you are looking for an excuse to end things and trying to talk yourself into still feeling like a good person about it.
Just break it off if you want but this sermonizing about gender and attraction is frankly offensive.
This kind stuff exhausts me sometimes. Can’t we be people and not what we identify as? You’re attracted to your partner and love him, what’s the big deal? Isn’t he more than a pronoun?
I think comments are being a bit harsh on here. Your allowed to feel as you do. You want to respect your partners wishes but are not sure how the perception of it will work with your relationship. I’m not sure I have any helpful advice other then give it time, try it out and if in the long run your uncomfortable, you can make choices then. It seems like you both are being clear and communicating so just keep that going. You love the person that they are so maybe you just need time to figure out how this works.
I’m not sure why there are so many comments putting you down. It’s obvious you feel guilty about the whole thing and you are clearly an LGBTQ+ supporter, so the issue isn’t gender-related phobia.
You’re a straight woman. By definition, that means you’re solely attracted to men, no matter how hard you can ‘try’ to be attracted to others. As a straight woman myself, I understand your situation of only being attracted to the presentation and idea of a man. If your partner’s gender changed, that would mean your attraction would change. That’s common sense and perfectly reasonable to me. I’ve even had a conversation with and agreed with my current partner that if either of us were ever to change gender identities, we’d have a free pass to ditch (lol). As a pansexual, it’d be way harder for your partner to understand that attraction can change depending on gender.
I guess you have to weigh your priorities and have a candid conversation with them. There is no perfect answer now that you have this knowledge. Is it your relationship you value more, or your partner’s comfort? It’s obvious they want to be with you, but is the burden of that too much on them? Maybe to them, what they identify as isn’t a fraction as important as you are to them? Are you able to handle that thought, or is there too much guilt involved?
This sounds like you need to do some inner work on why you are uncomfortable because I don’t understand you either
I was in a similar situation and I want to say, I understand your position. In the same way gender matters to them, it matters to you. You’re a person too. This transition is new for you too. Their understanding of themselves is changing and your understanding of them is changing too.
No one is the bad guy here. Communicating about “threats” to the relationship (changes in this case) are hard, more so at a young age.
You’re both in a stage of self exploration. For me, I was really worried about the future. Will they want to transition? Is there more they aren’t saying? What does this mean for me? If I don’t knows there’s more, will I find out 30 years from now that I’ve been their “beard” and they only loved me as a friend but kept me out of fear? (That last one was true for my situation)
If you want to stay, let the topic go for some time. Accept that you don’t know how you feel about the changes but you know how you feel about your partner. In time you may find none of this matters to you. If it’s easier, think of them as your friend for now. Whatever takes the pressure off both of you.
They are still the same person, they’re just sharing more of their true self with you now. Give it time. You’ll know soon enough if you want to stay or go soon enough.