Last night I made a huge mistake. I was trying to hang a mirror when the stud finder told me the stud was where the main water pipeline to our apartment complex was. Husband was out of the house with a friend when it happened. I frantically called 911, while holding my finger in the wall to block the “power washer” level of water from shooting into our house. All while my daughter is screaming bloody murder after being woken up by water spraying her in the head. While my finger is blocking the water I unplug everything under the water leak, then grab my daughter out of her bouncer to soothe her. I call my husband, no answer, I voice to text, and he later texts that he is on his way home. Fire department comes in, shuts off the water to the whole block, calms me down as I’m having a full panic attack, and takes my place blocking the water as all the water drains out of the building. My husband arrives the same time as maintenance. Says nothing. Grabs our daughter out of my arm, runs to our room and shuts the door. Leaving me, and his friend, the fire department, and maintenance in the room.
After a few minutes he comes back out and says “pack bags for you and daughter, you’re going to your parents house” I hesitantly oblige, saying I’d like to stay longer to help clean up. As I’m packing he says “actually go stay with _______ instead” I said “no, I’d be more comfortable at my moms, no one is home except for one sister, and I wouldn’t have to displace anyone from their room. If I went to _______, their daughter would have to leave her room so I had a place to sleep” he said “it’s not about your comfort. This is about what I think is best for our family. Go to _______. But then again it’s always about your comfort and what you want, isn’t it?” I say “no, I’m simply disagreeing that what you are suggesting is not what is best for our family”
I leave, go to my parents, and don’t hear anything from him for the rest of the night.
This morning he texts saying we can come back whenever. When I get home he said “this is the last time you take my daughter anywhere without my permission” I just quietly say ok. He goes off about a few more things, me moving his things to get them out of the water, saying I spent too much money on laundry detergent and soap. Then as he leaves again for the night to help a friend out he repeats “do not take her anywhere without my permission”.
I want to leave for tonight. I do not feel safe or respected here, but I also don’t want him to accuse me of kidnapping. What do I do?
Edit to add: my daughter is exclusively breastfed. Not by choice, but because she refuses to take a bottle. So even if he wanted to take her and run, he logistically couldn’t, because she will literally refuse to eat unless I am breastfeeding her.
18 comments
Call a lawyer.
You are being abused. His behavior is unacceptable. You need a lawyer. ASAP.
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You’re not kidnapping your child to go back to your parents house while your place in an uninhabitable condition. I would send him a text as fyi then head to safety. Sorry you’re going through this.
Ignore the misogyny being displayed here. No one deserves to be talked to like this, I’m including your husband. Hugs from this internet stranger!
Call a lawyer asap. This doesn’t sound healthy. I’m not sure how it works when there is a child between the two adults that’s involved but one adult keeping another adult somewhere against their will is false imprisonment.
As there is no custody agreement in place, you are not actually kidnapping your daughter. Kidnapping happens when the matter has been through court, not taking your daughter to safety.
Get away from that “man.” You made a mistake, but he completely overreacted and he has no right to tell you where to go. Be safe.
how did you take without permission when he told you to leave?
This is abusive behavior. Go to your parents and call a lawyer. You want a divorce, not a separation.
I am genuinely concerned for your safety
This sounds like controlling and bordering on abusive behavior. It’s alarming. Red flags everywhere. Pick the person you trust most in the world (Not him) and lay it all out. Listen to what someone who loves you has to say about it all.
Can you stay at your parents for more than one night? Because a temporary separation seems like a good option right now. If you feel couples counseling could help than that would be the next step. But looking at your post history, your husband does not seem like a very supportive partner and it might be in you and your daughter’s best interest to separate permanently. Your daughter will eventually be treated the same way he is treating you now and she deserves better. Growing up watching your husband treat you the way he does will make her feel that it is appropriate to be treated this way by a spouse, when it should be considered unacceptable.
It would be safest for you and your child to leave m but I would recommend staying away until you see that he is willing to change or not at all if you decide to make the separation permanent. But if you only leave for one night and then return, his behavior towards you could escalate escpecially b/c you left when he told you not to. You would be in the right to leave, but he could become dangerous if you return when he is angry. And I would recommend not being with him alone if he wants to see you and your daughter during your separation. If you live in the US, you are legally allowed to take your child with you. Just don’t leave the state until you have received legal counsel.
So is he like hooking up with his buddy or what because he seems to ditch his family every day to “help” his friend… and suspiciously was not around to help his wife with this. Just sayin.
Extreme side point, everyone should know where the water shutoff is in your home or apartment. It is often by the hot water heater, end of side point.
Your married its not kidnapping. My ex who’s a cop tried this. It’s not kidnapping AT ALL take her to your parents tell him to leave you and her alone. Get a lawyer ASAP and file for separation and a parenting plan. And do it before he does. I MEAN ASAP. if he files and gets his parenting plan filed first he can potentially take your daughter from you, until it’s settled in court
He sounds extremely controlling. From the way he treats you, I wouldn’t worry about a separation. Just file.
Can’t kidnap your own child. There’s no custody agreements. You’re free to do wherever you want, especially if you don’t feel safe, but a reminder that so is he, unfortunately. It’s just how it goes. He cannot control you though. You can do as you wish.
I’m not a doctor, but he sounds mentally I’ll to me… call his Psychiatrist if he has treatment history of a any documented psychological disorder, if not… call a lawyer.