I will try to keep this as brief as I can… bottom line is, my (35F) husband (37M) and I have some really big issues in our marriage that we just can’t agree on or figure out how to work out. I hit a breaking point this week, where I felt strongly that no matter what he says, he won’t do the hard work to make things better.
A little over a year ago, I gave him an ultimatum that we needed to get couples therapy or separate. I went on his phone and learned that he was still in contact with a woman I’d found him inappropriately texting SIX years earlier (at that time he begged for forgiveness and swore he would cut off contact). I also found that he was messaging a lot on FB with his former college girlfriend (they dated three years until she cheated). And he kept from me that he was getting together with another former girlfriend for brunch when he was on an out of town trip to his hometown. He also has some explosive anger outbursts and we haven’t had sex in almost 4 years, since we conceived our daughter who is about to turn 3.
We went to four therapy sessions before we had to end because we moved cross country to the Pacific Northwest in November. When I brought up finding a new therapist, he said therapy made him out to be the bad guy and basically said it was off the table. We compromised a few months ago and tried using the Lasting app. He did 3/5 parts of the first module and stopped participating. To his credit, he’s been working on his anger and it has been much better, but there are occasions where he loses his temper. I also recently asked him if we can work on our sex life, and while he initially said yes, when I followed up and asked if he had any ideas, he got defensive and shut down.
This week, I listened to a feeling that he was keeping something from me, and looked at his phone for the first time since our blowup last year. I saw that the college gf (who he told me he had talked to about cutting back on talking to) and my husband were messaging a LOT. Like all throughout each day, every single day. While nothing seemed particularly inappropriate (though occasionally a little flirty), he speaks to her more frequently than I speak with anyone in my life, including him. I confronted him about it and he admitted they started talking again in February. (Because he thought things were better between us!) He was shocked at how bothered I was by this. His reasoning was: she was a friend before they dated, he doesn’t think of her in a romantic way anymore, he doesn’t have a lot of friends he can talk to, I didn’t make it clear what level of them talking would make me uncomfortable, etc. It also came back to the fact that I have had issues with him having other female friends in the past.
Eventually I said this is just the latest example of my feelings not being considered and my (expressed!) needs not being met. Given the history of broken promises and unwillingness to follow through with therapy, I don’t see how we can work through all this. I said maybe we should focus on coparenting, which is what we do best, and he can talk to whoever he wants, not worry about fixing our sex life, and eventually end the marriage. He seemed gutted and I felt horribly guilty. Am I doing the wrong thing?
24 comments
> he said therapy made him out to be the bad guy and basically said it was off the table.
This is when you know the marriage is not salvageable. His pride is more important than the fact that his wife does not trust him.
No! Absolutely not you are NOT doing the wrong thing. You caught him talking to 2 (or 3 sorry if I misunderstand) women that he’s previously had relations with. Why would you do that if your married? The fact that your sex life with him hasn’t been active at all just says he doesn’t seem to be interested in you anymore. It doesn’t seem like he wants to fix the marriage.
There is only one way that things can work out:
Both of you need to go to couples counseling
AND
He needs to start going to individual counseling.
It is okay if he wants to start going to therapy on his own and then after he has worked on things some with the therapist, then couples counseling kicks in.
Without both of these things, this marriage doesn’t have a chance.
The way I see it, he is doing everything possible to fulfill his needs outside the relationship. He is emotionally cheating with everyone and anyone possible and desperately looking for people to fill his needs. Anyone but you. Things are very bad. He is putting in the bare minimum necessary for a marriage and nothing necessary for your needs personally. He is almost completely done and I think he is only sticking with it because it is comfortable for him. He is the one who is choosing to step out of the marriage. Don’t fall for all of these silly lies, it’s all just gaslighting and crazy making emotional manipulation tactics.
Things are so bad that I don’t know if this relationship will last a couple of months that most therapists have for a waiting list.
This is the place for an ultimatum because without these things, the marriage won’t survive.
No! Please leave him he insults your intelligence by cheating again after you found out and can’t even go through with the bare minimum? You definitely deserve better
You did the right thing. There are a lot of different kinds of marriages, but he has an unrealistic idea of what marriage to you should be.
One of the most powerful messages I ever gave my husband was: Your next wife may put up with that, but I won’t.
It brought home to him that his behavior affects my relationship decisions.
He won’t admit he cheated and continues to cheat and has anger management problems. These are not only red flags, but they’re also dealbreakers.
He keeps cheating because he doesn’t face any consequences.
He only feels gutted cuz that means you would start dating too.
Your marriage is not salvageable. He isn’t loyal. Bottom line, he just isn’t. This isn’t about female friends. This is about him refusing to let go of former lovers and needing constant female attention. This is about a lack of intimacy with you. This is about an explosive temper. He won’t even go to counseling with you because he doesn’t want to do the work. He’s spinning it on you that you’re just crazy and jealous and controlling.
You’re just wasting years of your life on a man who can never be a good partner or lover. Let him go and just be happy.
Have him served with divorce papers and if you feel extra petty (I wouldn’t do this) have it served by his replacement. He deserves it but will blow up spectacularly in your face.
In order to repair a marriage (or any relationship), you need trust and you need both people willing to work to fix the problem.
You have *neither*. This is not going to work.
Your marriage if not salvageable because he refuses to stop sexting and sneakily hanging out with exes. He is not willing to salvage his own marriage and continuously disregards you. He is still hung up on them. Why would you want to be a placeholder? If you want his attention be an ex. He’ll probably start sexting you then.
I’m truly sorry you’re in this spot. It sounds like he wants one foot in the marriage and one foot out the door. That’s not how marriage is supposed to work. The problem now isn’t him but you. You know how he will be for the rest of your marriage, he’s proven he’s not going to change. You have to face that reality and decide whether you can live with it or you need to move on.
It’s not an easy decision and I don’t envy you but the “he might change” option seems to be off the table. You might try asking yourself, will you be happier with him or without him question. That’s usually where the answer lies. Good luck, hope everything work for the best.
There are consequences to his actions. He put your marriage in this situation. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
He should be so grateful that you are still willing to work on the marriage with counseling. Tell him that is the only way it’s going to work and that it’s his choice. If he decides to move forward with counseling, it doesn’t stop there.
Let him know your boundaries. There can be no more secret female friends. No more friends with ex-girlfriends. 100% transparency about communications and interactions with friends of the opposite sex (Facebook, texts, lunch dates). No exceptions.
If he refuses counseling, he made the choice for you.
I was in a similar relationship though fortunately not a marriage. He was cheating the entire time, with multiple women, and imo in retrospect we were only still together because he didn’t have a strong prospect to leave me for (main other woman was also cheating on a partner). No sex for 4 years? Let me guess, he has trauma and intimacy issues? Yep, been there. Naw, get out now before he finds the right person to monkey branch to and leaves you first.
Looks like as an ex partner you will probably have more conversations. I’m sorry he seems unable to listen or care.
I don’t think you are doing the wrong thing. He isn’t trying and just making excuses and making the same mistakes. He’s not committed. I would follow your gut and try to just coparent. It’s not your fault if he won’t care or try!! You have been clear and patient.
> he said therapy made him out to be the bad guy and basically said it was off the table.
Therapy made him out to be the bad guy because he’s being a bad guy. He’s not faithful and he won’t have sex with you, he has anger management issues, and he refuses to do therapy or work on it.
I know they say everyone on reddit says to divorce but you really need to leave him this does not sound salvable in any way shape or form, he’s not even TRYING.
You deserve better!
I’m sorry but no your marriage is not salvageable. He’s lied to you more than enough times, refused to better himself for the marriage and also dismissed your ideas and feelings. I think divorce is the only option here or else you’re going to have to deal with all of this till death.
He was being made out as the bad guy because he was the bad guy.
You can’t forgive an emotional affair if the cheater doesn’t think that what they did was wrong! There’s no going forward if he fundamentally isn’t sorry – which being upset as being “the bad guy” shows is his attitude.
You’ve given him chance after chance after chance. This is what you’re getting. He has shown you what he is willing to offer – it’s time to take it or leave it.
No. It’s not.
He disregards appropriate boundaries with his exes (minimally, if he isn’t cheating), has “anger issues” (…which honestly when people say that, it’s normally abuse in some form), and doesn’t want to have sex with you. He also doesn’t want more therapy, because the therapist told him to change all that stuff and he isn’t going to.
He is so out of touch with what you want that your decision to potentially end your marriage actually confused him! That’s how little he knows/cares about your marriage. He’s one of those guys that, after they’re divorced, will say their wife “blindsided” them, he thought they were happy, etc.
Dude why do you want to be with him?
There is no saving this. You asked him to choose between you and this other woman. He did, he chose her. He puts more time, effort and attention into another woman. That is an emotional affair. He is turning everything around on you to avoid being held accountable. He has repeatedly told you he doesn’t care or will change by his actions, listen. Make a plan and get out. Life is to short to be minimized, disrespected and ignored. You deserve better.❤️
You can try giving him an ultimatum. Counselling now or trial separation (with rules about other people/relationships).
Outside of that, you don’t have any choice but to end things.
Sorry…but i think you’re marriage is over.