My boyfriend has been progressively making me feel bad about myself over the span of our entire three year relationship. Him and I have known each other for a very, very long time and he’s always been very into women ane everything about women.
As for me, I’m considered conventionally attractive. I take a lot of care of myself and I like to dress nicely. It’s not a huge part of my identity but I’m also not ashamed to admit I really like looking my absolute best.
I’m going to make a list of some of the things he’s said that have slowly started to rub me the wrong way:
• Average looking girls are much more sexually attractive to me than gorgeous women. (then went on to point out that I’m gorgeous)
• if her face is alright and she has an incredible ass then that’s all I need. (My ass is on the smaller side)
• your body is amazing but it doesn’t scream “fuck me”
• women that are average and unremarkable have this sexiness about them, especially because they’re not so in their head about the way they look and they’re better in bed
• I like petite women with small breasts and bubble butt (I’m tall, large breasts and an average butt)
• [insert literally any moral quality he previously mentioned I lacked] is really attractive.
I can’t help but feel like I’m not ideal to him and it does make me feel bad sometimes. He’s not pointing out these things or throwing them at me one by one in a sleazy way at all, we just naturally progress into these topics from time to time and that’s when he might drop a simmilar bomb to the ones I mentioned here. I have stable flow of self esteem and my body image is quite healthy, but things like these do sting a bit, like I wish he’d be more openly excited about the things both myself and my body have to offer.
I sometimes follow up on what he’s saying and will ask him “are you saying I’m not great in bed since I’m pretty?” And he’ll say “since when is this conversation about you? In general, the best sex I had was with less attractive women, don’t make it about yourself”, but he’ll never specifically answer my question, it’s almost as if he’s avoiding giving me direct validation. Other times he’ll call me insecure and say that he’s allowed to find other people attractive. I agree that he’s allowed to have thoughts and that he may from time to time share them with me, but he seems to be talking about whatever qualities I don’t have that are so attractive and never about mine. I’m not 100% sure he’s not doing this on purpose either, which scares me.
I can’t bring this up with him because I end up being called insecure and “stuck in my head”, I can’t make him understand that he’s going overboard with his comments because he’s “not defined by this relationship and he’s still his own person”. Partially I do think this is my fault because in our years as friends I used to not mind at all. I can’t tell him I wish he’d compliment me more because he thinks I should let him do that naturally. I can’t win, basically.
So, guys, am I in fact being too isecure? Is this normal? Is this messed up? Is he secretly resentful of conventionally attractive women? Is he trying to bring me down? Is he just a normal male being too comfortable with his hot takes around his girlfriend? What is it?
TL;DR Boyfriend making remarks about what’s attractive to him, which coincidentally is not at all what I have to give. Calls me insecure and self absorbed when I call him out on it, asks to be given some freedom of thought and understandment. Makes me feel like crap at times.
12 comments
I’m not sure what advice you’re exactly asking for but I will say those comments about women are kinda icky, coming from someone who knows when you get comfortable with a partner he will make his feelings about his preferences known and sometimes it’s a little Locker Room-y, but he sounds like he’s not hesitant to let you know that you’re not his ideal type and that’s thoughtless. A respectful conversation about how it makes you feel might be in order.
Freedom of thought.. what a doofus. No one is asking to change his thoughts, but why on earth does it need to be said?
He can shut up, or you can do it back to him see how he likes it.
It makes you feel how it makes you feel and for him to call you insecure sounds kinda fucked to me. Honestly, it all sounds kinda fucked.
Why is he talking about the best sex he’s ever had?
If he can’t see that his comments might make you wonder what in the world he’s in a relationship with you for then maybe he’s just an asshole.
It’s one thing to be attracted to people other than our partner. It’s another thing for him to make these kinds of statements with you and not recognize how they may impact you and then dismissing you once you let him know how it concerns you.
So why do you want to stay?
Why are you tolerating this?
It’s very simple. Nobody’s saying he can’t think whatever tf he wants to think, the point is that not every thought has to be said, especially when it makes you partner feel bad about themselves. He should care about how you feel about things he says. The fact that he refuses to acknowledge that you’re allowed to feel hurt by his words is a red flag.
It sounds like he knows that you’re “conventionally” very good looking and for some reason wants you to feel insecure. Perhaps he doesn’t think he is good looking enough to be with someone like you or feels he’s not good enough in general. Either way, why do you want to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself?
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Freedom of thought does not mean freedom from consequences when you express yourself in a way that’s thoughtless and cruel. You actually are being too insecure but not in the way you think- the fact that you think this is your fault and you’ve been putting up with this for THREE YEARS makes me honestly concerned about your self-esteem and well-being. Even though ending a relationship is painful and difficult in so many ways, I am confident that you will feel much better about yourself when you’re no longer dating this man, who seems bizarrely invested in making you feel nervous and upset. You deserve better!
Good grief no, if my partner said any of the above to me I’d tell him straight off he’s being disrespectful, I’d have to ask him why he was with me if that’s what he preferred.
Then I’d probably run 🤷♀️
You deserve someone who makes you feel beautiful, ideal and exactly what they’re looking for.
It sounds like your bf is negging you because he’s insecure. You probably are very good looking and he’s trying to quash your self esteem.
You’re not insecure. You have already tried to address this. That hasn’t worked so you should break up with him and find someone who is supportive and doesn’t resort to manipulative tactics.
You should look up “negging” to see if it resonates 🙂
Sounds like he’s trying to take you down a peg because he knows you’re hot
What’s the point of having a boyfriend if he treats you like this?
It’s time to change. You need to develop high self esteem and allow for both of you to find happiness. Let him go find his ideal partner and allow yourself to find yours. You’ll both be longing for someone else for as long as you’re together.
He will long for a woman who is ideal to him and you will long for someone devoted to you