Me (20F) and my bf (20M) have been together for 9 months.
He mentioned very early in our relationship that he’d been quite lonely fairly recently because he hadn’t really been seeing his friends much. He said it’s because his friends don’t arrange to see each other that often since they’re mostly busy and they all have girlfriends and uni and stuff. I encouraged him to try to hang out with them more and said I hope it works out because I don’t want him to be sad or lonely.
I don’t think things have really changed much over the course of our relationship, although they have hung out with each other quite a few times and they used to go out quite regularly. They also play games together online probably several times a week, which I know isn’t the same but it’s at least something. They also message every day, so it’s not like they’re entirely losing touch. I wish they would hang out more often though because I know it upsets him, and I still haven’t even met them since he’s never arranged for that to happen, which does upset me.
He lives with his parents and his brother, so he hangs out with them most days or at least several times a week. He’s with them basically whenever he isn’t at work or out somewhere with me. He went on a 2 week holiday with them recently, and they go out for ice cream and other stuff. He also travels to work with his mum and they’re generally a close family. I also go to his house sometimes and we all hang out a bit which we both really enjoy. I’m really excited whenever he wants me to come over or spend some time with him and his family since I want to be part of his family if I can be. We’re all going to a family event in a couple of weeks.
We both want to see each other often, probably every 2-3 days on average. Whenever we aren’t together he says he misses me. Every time we see each other it’s because he specifically asked me to see him that day. This is mainly because I don’t usually ask him to hang out with me on specific days since I know he has more in his life that actually needs scheduled. Like he has family and friends to hang out with and I don’t so most of the stuff I do when we aren’t together is just stuff like reading which I can do whenever. So I’d be willing to see him basically whenever he’s free, so I just let him arrange stuff. He knows this and says that’s fine.
He recently revealed that he feels like I’m “restricting” him and stopping him from spending time with his friends and family. He said it’s really important to him so I know it’s a big deal. It made me feel like I’m an awful person and I’m somehow being controlling without even realising, so I’ve become very worried.
The reason I let him arrange everything we do in the first place was so that I don’t restrict him, and I’m not really sure how I can be doing that. As far as I’m aware the only reason he doesn’t see his friends that often is because they just don’t arrange anything. He’s never said that he was turning them down for me or anything like that. If he ever said to me “my friends invited me out but I’m going to hang out with you instead” I would encourage him to go see his friends. I’ve never wanted to get in the way of any of that.
With his family, he hangs out with them a lot of the time anyway and it seems like they do go out and do stuff. If they don’t it’s because his parents are working and his brother has school. I don’t see how that can have anything to do with me.
Maybe he feels like that just because he spends a lot of time with me so he thinks he must be restricted, but again that’s because he specifically wants to see me all the time. I never want to hang out with him if he doesn’t really want to, and every time we see each other it’s because he arranged it.
I just want to know if there’s anything I can do to make him realise that I’m not a bad person and I’m not trying to restrict him. I don’t want him to worry about that stuff but I don’t know how to stop it. What is going on here??
TL;DR: My bf doesn’t hang out with friends much because they’re all busy. He lives with his family. We see each other often but he always arranges everything. He said he’s really upset because he feels like I’m restricting him. I don’t know how I’m doing this or how to stop him from feeling like this.
3 comments
What did he say when you pointed out that he’s the one deciding to spend time with you instead of reaching out to his friends or making new friends?
When you’re in a relationship you need to make time for your other. You should want to do this because your engaged in the relationship and enjoy doing it. 2 – 3 times a week is very minimal.
With that said as long as your not making him choose me or them then your not the problem. Id just call him out on it and ask for specifics that he felt you caused him to lose time with his friends.
If he can provide you with some then you two can work out a better system. If he cant then maybe you can help him see he is being irrational.
Last thing I’ll say is you should never feel like you cant ask your boyfriend to hang out occasionally. It cant be all on his time. My gut is telling me this guy just isnt ready for a committed relationship and is more looking for a convenience partner.
This is a red flag. He is creating his own problems, but blaming them on you. None of this is your fault or even has anything to do with you. You have pointed out all the holes in his argument. Listen to that inner voice telling you this is wrong.