Should I tell my partner I’ve been cheating?
I know the title sounds bad but hear me out. I (18 m) have had a crush on M (18 m) for a few months. Recently, we’ve been hanging out more and become closer. I stay the night at his house a lot, and we’ve kissed, cuddled, and even had sex a few times. To me, that meant we were in a relationship, and the thought of doing something with someone else never crossed my mind.
Recently we had a conversation where M asked if I was doing stuff with other people. I wasn’t at the time, so I answered honestly. He seemed satisfied and didn’t bring it up again. However, a few days later I asked him if he wanted to make things official and he said no, and that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with anyone yet.
I was hurt by this, as I thought that’s what we had been doing this whole time. I told him it was ok and that we didn’t have to rush anything, but that night I got in contact with an old friend and we exchanged nudes. In my mind it was ok, because I felt as if I shouldn’t be required to be loyal to M if we were never in a relationship to begin with.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. I feel really guilty and I definitely regret doing it, but it’s too late to change anything now. M has told me that a lot of his previous partners have cheated on him, so I know how upset he’d be if he ever found out. At the same time though, I feel like he shouldn’t get to control who I do stuff with unless he wants to be in a committed relationship. I honestly feel like I’m just his friend with benefits sometimes.
I really do enjoy spending time with him, and I want to make things work. But I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I want to take him on dates and introduce him to my family and friends, but he always seems reluctant. And I’m not exactly sure who’s in the wrong here. Am I morally obligated to be exclusive with someone I’m not in a relationship with, or am I allowed to keep my options open until he decides to fully commit? Any help would be appreciated.
Tl;dr Guy I thought I’d been dating for the past few months and who asked me not to have sex with anyone else told me we weren’t in a relationship, I got upset and sent nudes to another guy, regret it now
3 comments
You didn’t cheat, but you want to avoid miscommunications. I would tell him, “Since you aren’t ready for a relationship yet, you should know I have started exploring things with other people too. Nothing has gone very far yet, but I want to be open to possibilities until I am actually in a relationship with someone.”
Your FWB told you very directly that he doesn’t consider the two of you as being in a relationship and he doesn’t want one with you. Unless he has also stated he wants exclusivity/monogamy with you, then you are 100% free to see, date, sext and fuck others.
You can always ask him directly, “if we aren’t in a relationship am I free to look for sex with other people?” But honestly, if someone I was having sex with and wanted a relationship with told me “we aren’t in a relationship and I don’t want one with you” that would be the end of things with that person.
Sounds like your “friend” want to have his cake and eat it too. Well guess what, his caution for not wanting to be with you after asking such a serious question if you are messing around with anyone did more harm than good. He never asked to be exclusive he just asked you if you were at that time . Did he tell you if he was messing around with anyone or did he just ask you solely. Don’t feel bad y’all didn’t actually hook up and you and M aren’t together. Don’t even tell him. You should ask yourself tho, how long are you willing to wait for M to be ready to be in a monogamous relationship with you and can you be faithful to only seeing him that long.