I don’t even really know how to simply describe this problem…
Me(19) and my boyfriend(24) have been living together for about 4 months. So far it has been the best relationship I’ve ever had. We both try to make it as healthy as possible, no arguments, lots of laughs and cuddles.
However there’s a small problem… I keep asking him to delete dating apps after he reinstalls them and also stop talking in a specific way to some people… We have talked about this issue 3 times already with me telling him that I’m uncomfortable with it. Yet the day before yesterday was a 4th time. I was changing in bedroom when he was sleeping and his phone lit up. It was a notification from, you guess it, a dating app. I opened it, it wasn’t flirting, he also didn’t go on dates or even ask people to go on different app. Just casual convos with exceptions for “yeah i am taken but still could look for something fun”. Wouldn’t be an issue with me since I know he would ask me for permission on that. But again, he didn’t tell me about it, lied, hid it from me and had his status as ‘single’. I also don’t worry about the girls, since if he likes how someone looks, we usually look together.
Boys however…
After I cried to him about what I found and for disrespecting my boundaries, he did apologize. Yet I told him if that happens again, I’m leaving. Well, yesterday he had a mental breakdown about something not related to our relationship. He spent almost whole day in bedroom and I mean, sure thing if you want to be alone. I work from home in the living room anyways. He did come for some hugs and kisses and really tried his best to show me some love. We even had some short spicy time when I was on my break.
But wait, the biggest problem now starts… He drank a lot yesterday, like about 8cans of beer… So I felt like something wasn’t right. I just turned on his pc and it was enough to go on facebook… All I saw were messages:
“Oh how I wanna f\*ck you”
“You know I always had a crush on you and would f\*ck you if my gf let me”
etc. (hurts to go into more details)
to the people we talked about 3 weeks ago. That time I asked him to stop because it hurts me and he’s a liar since we promised to talk about everything. (I also get messages of this type on discord and I do tell him everytime)
But first of all, no, I wouldn’t let you. We talked that I would let you only for a 3some and I as well don’t have a need to f\*ck someone else without you.
This time I just told him what I think and went to sleep in living room. Tomorrow after all the emotions calmed down a little we had a conversation about it. He told me he did it to take back on me for going through his phone (which I don’t take as an excuse) but also that it is a problem that he has with not respecting himself much and just sexting to random people sometimes.
I just broke down that he’s disrespecting me as well and first of all it hurts. I feel like he doesn’t need me, want me. I am also insecure about my body and I now don’t feel loved. I also felt used as something to f\*ck because he only was turned on because of others, not me. (i don’t know if it’s true, it’s just what I fell) Especially when he sent messages like this 5 minutes before we f\*cked.
He did apologize but I don’t think our relationship will be the same again. I do love him, I know he loves me too… But when he drinks too much, this problem comes back. Though he did his best these 3 weeks, started having this mental breakdown 2 days ago so drinking started again…
Now I don’t know what to do. I said that next time this happens I will leave him and it happened… But I don’t even have a place to go, I don’t earn enough to just move out. And i don’t want to leave. I know that he can be the best boyfriend, I just can’t trust him anymore and I don’t want to be that one controlling girlfriend. I already feel like shit for invading his privacy.
tl;dr: My boyfriend flirts with others when he’s drunk and he doesn’t stop after I told him to.
35 comments
he has cheated on you repeatedly. you have no reason to believe he is not physically doing so, as well. leave him and get tested. there are other men.
OP, he’s a cheater. He will not stop cheating on you because cheating is what he does. So make a budget and make a plan and figure it out, because this guy is never going to be what you want him to be in your life.
I’m sorry this is the best relationship you’ve ever had.
You’re only 19 and this is the best relationship you’ve ever had? Dump this cheater and raise your standards.
Do you want to live your whole life as a doormat? This is how you start that life. You even talk about 3somes so he has absolutely zero excuses to blame hyoersexuality it a need to settle curiousity and he still cheats. Seriously, your only real issue is self respect. It’s time to go.
Dude has no respect for you at all. Why would anyone be with such a person is beyond me.
Dump his sorry ass he’s got you for back up you are his plan b in case in case his other female friends don’t work out sorry op
You said you would leave if it happened again–hes shown you that this is more important to him than the relationship. You already told him what the consequences would be, now you have to follow through on them.
Now it’s time to follow through on what you just told him. “If it happens again, I’m out.” He hears that and said to himself “bet,” and now he’s made his move and is waiting for you to make yours. Will you follow through and leave or did he just prove to himself how far he can push you without consequence?
time to start working on your escape plan. there’s really nothing for it but to find a way out. its always possible tho you may have to get a little creative
>Now I don’t know what to do.
How? HOW do you not know what to do? This is round five of him trying to cheat and you’re just letting it happen? He knows it’s disrespectful. He keeps doing it because he doesn’t respect you. He knows it hurts you, and he keeps doing it because he *straight doesn’t care about you*. It is NOT controlling to tell someone not to tell other people he wants to bang them. I shudder to think of the manipulation you endured that led you to have that worry.
Girl, you only have one life. Keep bad people out of it.
He’s sly, he’s dodgy and he’s a boy – not a man. “I didn’t like what you did, so I had to go and exact my revenge on you for calling me out on my shit”. Nah.
This man is a cheater. Please leave him before he kills off all of your self worth and gives you a disease.
You deserve so much better than this!
OP… come on. There is nothing healthy about this relationship. Stop resigning yourself to being a “cool girl” because you think this is the best you can get. Trust me… This is the worst!
At some point the excuses have to end. Aren’t you tired of feeling drained and disrespected by the person who should have your back?
We hold onto the potential of someone so strongly that we can go through life completely disregarding whether or not they actually want to be the person you believe they can be. We tell ourselves they will be better, that we will make them better, but we never question why we have to be the ones to obligate ourselves to push them into doing something that comes so naturally to ourselves.
Stop questioning yourself while you know his actions are making you suffer. You know you deserve better and you have the rest of your life to explore that.
“We both try to make it as healthy as possible, no arguments, lots of laughs and cuddles.”
Followed by:
Straight up dissertation on the myriad ways in which this guy continuously disrespects her.
I weep for the future.
>Boys however
Yeah, thats a boy alright, a man wouldn’t disrespect you.
You’re 19, guarantee you’ll find a better one.
Oh man. Please leave him. There are men out there that will treat you the way you deserve! This is horrible! Please leave.
Leave. You should have left after the first time.
“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
I don’t think that’s a small problem
When I was 18, I dated a 24 year old… My advice is to leave them. Their was too much of a power-play and we were in different life phases (he was working full time and wanting to pursue a family and moving away. I was just starting college). He kept around friends who openly disliked our relationship and one friend who was trying to break us up to be with him. I later learned he had downloaded tinder.
You’re young. don’t waste your years being with someone like this… Date people closer to your age, 19-20.
He doesn’t respect you bc you don’t respect yourself. You’re letting him use you as a doormat. If this is the best relationship you’ve ever had you need to leave bc he’s not gonna change bc he doesn’t care
It’s hard when you’re young and you don’t have a lot of relationship experience to compare. But this is not a loving, respectful, happy relationship. He doesn’t want to be tied down. He wants what he has with you, but he also wants his freedom too, and that’s at the expense of your happiness. He knows all he needs to do is cry and apologize and you’ll give him another chance, so he keeps doing what he’s doing. When will it be enough for you? What will it take for you to realize you deserve better?
Girl…..if your boyfriend doesn’t want to delete dating apps off his phone and openly cheats on you, you need to up your standards a lot. You cried to him, told him he disrespected you, and he continued to do it anyways. I don’t think I can stress this enough — I promise he does not care about you or how you feel. I’m willing to bet my entire life savings that it will turn physical if you stay. Don’t walk, run.
I’m surprised you call this a healthy relationship, it doesn’t seem healthy or great at all to me.
You’ve already given him far far too many chances. Of course the cheating just escalates, because you’ve shown him repeatedly that you will not leave when he is caught. If you stick around after this you get exactly what’s coming to you. You’re naive to think he will change for you.
This isn’t the best relationship you ever had. It isn’t one at all.
I’m going to say this maybe more kindly than if you were older, because I know it’s hard to navigate these things at your age:
You say you know he loves you. I’m sure he says he does and I imagine he probably even believes he does.
This is not love.
Love is actions, not words. And love requires components of trust, respect, and fairness that he does not demonstrate. He has broken your trust repeatedly and knowingly. He does not respect you enough to be honest with you about what he wants and the things he’s unwilling to change. And he is choosing to be unfair to you by his dishonesty, which takes away your ability to choose the course of action in your relationship that would be best for you. His actions are deeply selfish and unloving.
You say you know he can be the best boyfriend. No. Don’t waste your time on an imaginary idea of what a person can be. What they do and who they are, day to day, in real life, that’s who and what they are. He is a shitty boyfriend who repeatedly chooses actions that hurt you.
You say you’re surprised that people in here are telling you to dump him when your mom told you to work on it. Personally I’m not surprised. You’re very young and you must have learned what you’re “supposed to” put up with from somewhere. Not a shocker that your mom might be the source.
You sound like you’re dead set on not dumping him now. That’s your choice. But I hope that when you do, you learn from it. And I hope, sincerely, that you don’t end up with any kids or STIs before you do get out of the relationship. There are much better ones out there and single life is better than this too.
But he’s NOT the best boyfriend. He’s a cheater. He told someone else he wants to sleep with them. Let me put this way. If you don’t leave after threatening to do so, it will get even worse because he’ll think…”She’s just saying that. She won’t actually do it.”
Do whatever you have to do to move out, even if it means moving in with family. Don’t waste more time on this guy. He’s not going to change. He’s already proven that.
He is a cheater, it’s part of his moral code. It won’t change. There are SO MANY MEN WHO DON’T CHEAT. This isn’t ok, it’s not going to ever be ok.
You don’t want to leave, you think this relationship is good (it absolutely is not), you feel bad for invading his privacy (he doesn’t even try to hide it, it’s lighting up his phone!)… what is going on that your self esteem is in the sewer? You say you know he can be the best boyfriend, but so fucking what? HE’S NOT. You’ll be telling yourself the same thing when you’re 40 and he’s still pulling this. LEAVE.
As someone who has been in this exact situation, and tried to work through it, and ended up miserable and in a much more complicated situation, leave. This will only get worse.
You set a boundary that you would leave if you caught him doing it again. Well, you caught him. So LEAVE. Go be single. Go learn some self respect. If you don’t leave, he will never stop because you will have taught him that you don’t even really respect your own boundaries and what you say matters to you doesn’t really.
Leave him please. Respect yourself. Go to hostel, shelter, friends basement, grandparents’ house, whereever.
I understand that you love him and prefer to think it is mutual. But I am afraid he is not feeling the same. There is no love, respect or even decency in the way he is treating you. For me it is not even his stupidity and indifference to your feelings, it is a deliberate emotional abuse. It very easy to hide sexting from a SO, burner phone, not having an app on the phone, separate account, disabled notifications. So it looks like he wants you to see all his sextings and he gets a kick from your emotions about it. It is pretty sick.
You are only 19, living together for only 4 months and you already had to deal with all of this. It will not get better, it will get worse and this relationship will shutter your self esteem and self respect to pieces.
Don’t settle for a manipulate liar/cheater/alcoholic at 19 please, there are a lot of decent guys/girls out there.
Omg you cannot believe that this is the best relationship you can have? Right? Right???? Someone pointed out to me that I must be lucky to have normal standards for relationships, because it means I haven’t been in an abusive relationship. Just in case that’s the case here:
1) He’s not a great boyfriend. He will not be a great boyfriend. It seems highly unlikely he ever was a great boyfriend because great boyfriends don’t cheat. They don’t make you feel insecure. They don’t make you paranoid. The best thing a guy can give you is peace of mind. You’ll do well to remember that.
2) Don’t feel like shit for “invading his privacy” when he’s continuously broken your trust.
3) For the love of God, don’t waste your time worrying about being the “cool girlfriend” or whatever the hell. That’s just another way of saying you’ll allow yourself to be disrespected because standards are inconvenient for your man. Having standards and being respected doesn’t turn you into a “controlling girlfriend”. It does, however, keep you from being turned into a doormat. He doesn’t respect you. I’d even say he doesn’t love you. He just sees you for what you are—a young, naive, admittedly weak individual (I say this with tough love; you’re stronger than you’re allowing yourself to be in this moment) who will put up with his crap and provide him with security while he has fun on the side.
Do better for yourself. My god, you’re only 19. You can change your situation for the better. The faster you respect yourself, the better off you’ll be in the dating world. This list is not high-maintenance or whatever the hell someone could say. It’s pretty basic stuff for a healthy relationship. Respect. Not passive aggression, not paranoia, not lying, not inviting third parties in without the other person knowing—respect. Having an argument or two with someone who’s loyal and respectful of your boundaries would be more healthy than this mess you’re in.
Dump him, he has proven that he disrespects you and is not going to change.
Stand up for yourself. Get your stuff and move out. He’s a proven cheater and an alcoholic. He makes you feel like you’re not good enough and that he’s looking for someone better. Break up with him.