Background: I’m a 41F who’s been back on the dating scene for about a year now. I’m happy dating multiple people, dating casually (or more seriously if I was to meet someone I felt that way about), and I’m not a posessive or jealous person. I know A LOT people due to my professional background, former/current hobbies and the fact that I’m generally a pretty friendly person and have a pretty extended social network. Additionally, the two cities I’m most likely to date in are notoriously small for being “bigger” cities.
I say all this to explain that I can see myself running into people I’ve casually dated long after our dating has ended. That’s just how my life is. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
But I’ve had a few ghostings recently that have left me wishing there was some way to “close the loop” on the interaction. I get that this is normal. People don’t like uncertainty. But, in one of the cases, we are loosely in the same social circle and unless he goes pretty far out of his way to avoid me, we’re going to be in social situations together. (FWIW, I don’t want to follow up on this ghosting at this point, but I do wonder how to handle future similar situations should they come up.)
I’ve also had two ghostings this summer where were were actively planning a third dates and the guys just stopped responding. (I’ve had the date cancelation that never gets rescheduled turn into a ghosting, but not the “we’re talking days/times/locations” cancelation…)
Generally, if I send a few texts (or make a call) that either aren’t responded to or are minimally responded to, I let a situation go. He can reach out if he’s still interested. But what if we’re actively planning something (in which I may be holding a time/day for them)…. or when I know we’re likely to run into each other again?
Should I just accept that this is how it is? I don’t want to make a couple of dates into an intense “break-up” or anything like that, but it seems like there’s got to be a way to end these things in a socially graceful way. Or, am I trying too hard and I should just let things be?
38 comments
Nope. Ya got ghosted move on.
You should just accept the fact that this is how it is. No answer is an answer. Do you really want to date someone who you have to convince to respond to you?
I do think it should be called out. I think I’d send something like, “Hey, it’s clear you’re no longer interested. I would have preferred to hear that from you directly rather than you ghosting. I’m looking for a good communicator and I know a lot of other people are too. Take care.” It’s not angry, but it’s direct and neutral.
But it’s okay to just move on, too.
I know where you’re coming from, but ultimately if they’re the ones ghosting they don’t seem to give a sh*t about the potential awkwardness if they were to run into you later, so why should you care the other way round. I’d actually suggest it’s better if and when you do run into them that you held your value, didn’t chase/close and let the awkwardness sit squarely with them and their immaturity. 💪
Short answer: Nope. Sorry.
The answer is they ghosted you and you just move on. There isn’t really much to say about it as it’s nothing to do with you and more about them.
They ghosted you for a reason — usually just because you weren’t what they were looking for and so they moved on. It sucks and it is rude, but some people really don’t like conflict and so they send a message by saying nothing.
That is really just how it goes. Move on and don’t let it get to you as best as you can. OLD moves pretty fast and there are always more lasses to see.
If you try and chase people up who stopped talking to you, you’re going to annoy and upset them. They’ll probably just block you at that point, destroying what future chances may slimly remain. There isn’t really a way to do this without seeming socially inept.
Accept. Part of OLD. Sometimes you ghost sometimes you get ghosted. If you didn’t meet I don’t see the issue when a conversation bleeds to dead.
Basically you’re asking how to react when you see someone in public after they’ve ghosted you?
Personally, I don’t avoid them, nor do I approach them. If our paths intersect such that conversation becomes inevitable, I treat them cordially and politely, as I would a person to whom I was acquainted, but not very well acquainted.
If someone introduces us, I simply say we’ve met. If that person asks me how, I tell the truth: we went on a few dates but nothing more. If they ask why not, I simply say it didn’t work out. I definitely don’t say that the other person ghosted me.
If the ghoster approaches me directly, I don’t engage beyond being polite, then move on with my day. I don’t call them out, nor do I act passive aggressively, I simply move on.
Being ghosted is a sad reality of dating these days, and the best I can do is just accept it and move on. Those people have made their decision, all I can do is control my own reaction to it. I have long since learned that I won’t get a satisfactory response to why they ghosted, so it’s not worth pursuing.
What you’re feeling makes sense but no, trying to follow up with someone so cowardly to cut contact wouldn’t be successful. They ghosted because they didn’t want to hold a mirror up to themselves. Asking for follow up will make them feel threatened or they’ll just lie to you.
I would think people are just treating you how they have been treated assuming it’s normal. Unfortunately it is normal although I do think there is probably a large amount of ghosting that comes from fear of double texting🤦♂️
You cannot force someone to end things amicably. Calling or sending texts messages when it clear you’re being ghosted isn’t going to move the person to respond. If anything, they will justify ghosting you because in their mind you cannot take a hint.
You can either ignore when you run into them or give them a nod and keep it moving.
Just got on the online dating and can’t believe this is a real thing? Ghosting after you communicate, like a child? WTF IS THIS WORLD COMING TO WHEN YOU CAN’T EVEN BREAK UP IN PERSON ANYMORE?! I need to yell and throw shit!🤣🤣🤣aren’t there men that want that???
you should only give your time and effort to people who give you theirs. please don’t devalue yourself by chasing people who aren’t interested in you. being prideful can be good in some contexts, and this is one of them.
I just block and delete. It’s a way to permanently close that door in my mind, even if they are one that ghosted, it’s a way of putting it to rest and out of your mind, even if only symbolically.
I also don’t like loose threads and usually like to close things even if I am not interested in them anymore due to their behaviour (ghosting). Let me list a few ways I have tried to handle this situation in the past, and the result – All roads lead to, guess what, more ghosting. So don’t look for closure, just accept that its them, not you.
* Man 1 (Giving the benefit of doubt) – 1st date canceled last moment with profuse sorries and plans to reschedule. We made plans on text to meet next weekend. During the week I sent him a random check-in text, was ghosted. I texted him the day prior to the date to confirm plans, was ghosted. I gave up. He contacted the morning of the date with more sorries and plans to reschedule. We again decided on another date and time. Day before, I texted to confirm plans, ghosted.
* Man 2 (Ghosting) – I matched with a guy on an app. We texted for a few days. He ghosted mid conversation for no reason. I didn’t really care since we had been chatting for a few days only. He messaged weeks later as if nothing had happened. I didn’t reply for a few days and he sent me 2-3 more texts. I finally replied. We started talking again. He ghosted again. I tried to initiate conversation one more time, he unmatched.
* Man 3 (Calling out ghosting) – I was talking to a guy for 2 months on text, calls and video calls because we live in different cities, however we know each other through work. We don’t work with each other but have mutual colleagues and friends. He suddenly disappeared. I asked him if he was interested and wanted to continue talking and he said he was definitely interested in exploring more. Disappeared again. I texted him, ghosted. Called, ghosted. I sent him a message saying that he could have just politely mentioned he didn’t want to see me anymore since we are involved workwise. Ghosted.
For me, I would treat people ghosting me the same way as people making racist comments towards me as a person of color.
To be honest, I go back and forth. Sometimes I want to stick up for myself, and have the goal of letting the other person know that I think that what they did was not okay. Sometimes I think, they don’t care about what I think anyways so why bother? This goes equally for ghosting, racist comments, or any poor behavior of which I am the target.
A lot of others have already chimed in on how to respond to ghosting itself so I’ll leave that question be.
But as far as what to do if and when you run into these people who have ghosted you, you just act like they’re someone you’ve met once or twice but don’t know well. You give them the same type of cordial treatment you would give that level of acquaintance, and leave the personal slight of ghosting out of it (I say personal slight because, while you’re apparently a good sport about this, ghosting _is_ pretty rude, and it would be natural to feel a low-level simmer of annoyance, or even maybe some anxiety, at running into one of these people. But acting from that place won’t serve you in these interactions).
So if you’re a person who, upon running into your friend’s brother with whom you’ve never had a dating interaction and who’s never ghosted you, would smile and cordially and offer a perfunctory, “Hey! Nice to see you,” before moving on promptly to conversation with someone else, you do the same with these ghosters. Or you follow what I call Statistics Class Protocol—named thus because you’re treating them the same way you would in college if walked by a guy you knew you recognized from your statistics class but whom you’ve never actually met. You see each other every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:30 am and if you pass each other on campus and make eye contact it feels weird not to acknowledge that you recognize each other, but there’s nothing to say to each other and it’s fine to acknowledge that by simply nodding if you happen to make eye contact and saying nothing. Or you just channel the feelings you have towards some other person in the history of the world towards whom you feel absolutely neutral. President Chester A. Arthur is another good one—most people couldn’t pick him out of a lineup and have no idea what he did during his time in office, and would have zero reaction to seeing him at a party (ok, maybe you’d compliment his very well-formed mutton chops), unless you happen to be someone well-learned in 1880s US history 😜.
In general treating these people like any other person you’ve met but don’t really care about talking to one way or another is the move. If you think about it, if you’re at a party there may be people you technically know but if you don’t have anything to say to them you don’t go out of your way to chat. You don’t even have to dislike these folks necessarily for this to be the response. You’re just sort of indifferent. If you happen to wind up in a group of people where they’re also present, smiling and nodding is sufficient.
I understand where you’re coming from but yes, you should just let things be, you’re overthinking this. It will only be as awkward as you make it, I can guarantee these guys aren’t giving a second thought to it, and if you did try some sort of follow up to their ghosting it would only make things MORE awkward.
Just view ghosting as the new equivalent to someone sending you a text saying “was nice meeting you but this isn’t working out for me”
This has happened to me before – I’ve ghosted someone who later I bumped into in our friend group. It was initially a little bit awkward, but I followed up via text that it was great to see them and commented on how small a world it was. We’re now on friendly terms 🙂
I think your question can be summed up as “How much of another person’s required effort should I put into a relationship with them on their behalf?” The answer is: None. Don’t do other people’s relationship work for them.
Goes along with casual dating (nsa sex).
Your long preface says to me that you’re putting up a defense. Things don’t have to be wrapped up perfectly, especially with random dates. Your expending a lot of energy over nothing. Don’t do their dirty laundry. If they ghosted you then they would be the one with shame if you crossed paths again. You already have the upper hand, so no need to course correct.
No
Ask of you can take some epv recording around them to see if you can pick up the ghost.
No.
There is no really good way to follow up and it’s not worth it.
What you do if you do have to deal with them again, due to social circles, is only offer basic courtesy. Do nothing above the bare minimum but don’t make a huge deal of it either. It’s best so no one starts prying.
If you’ve planned something with someone already, and then they seem to disappear off the face of the Earth, I’d go as planned anyway but also have a backup plan of some kind. (Always good to have a backup plan in any case, when dating casually.)
If you’re in the middle of planning something, and they disappear off the face of the Earth and never finish the conversation, then you haven’t actually planned anything, they can just fuck right off.
I mean, you never know, there might be some vitally important reason for them to do that, so send them a note saying you hope to hear from them soon or whatever, but move on. Stop holding the date, waiting for a response, etc.
If they’ve ghosted you in between dates, like, it was 3 dates and then they vanished… send them a goodbye note and move on.
Basically, move on is the answer. This is casual dating we’re talking about, so you should have at least a couple of other prospects lined up to try dating, instead.
I would just act friendly, natural and like the ghosting never happened .
I mean it’s all in the way you look at it.
I tend to see peoples actions as words- way more than words themselves . So if someone ghosts me? That means goodbye. I’m not interested in you. And I’m too afraid and uncomfortable to have a conversation about it.
Or – you made me so unhappy and I felt you were such a vile person that I needed to leave your life immediately and am so afraid and uncomfortable I can’t have a conversation about it.
Either way- it’s goodbye.
I really am not interested in .. turning their goodbye into a power play/ manipulation like – oh you ghosted me. Therefore I need to talk to you about it. I mean that makes zero sense.
They ghosted me. They don’t like me. Let it die.
But I’m also not into holding grudges and I freaking hate it when people get nuts on me or about rejection – so I really usually appreciate rejection a lot. Like it’s amazing .. I need it. It reminds me I’m just another human being in the world . Nothing special. Just one person out of a billion.
And I hold zero grudges against them… because being attracted to someone and wanting to be with them is really something no one can control. And I’ve rejected perfectly amazing men for random reasons. I mean if someone doesn’t smell right ? They don’t smell right.
They can’t help it.
So I would act totally completely normal and like nothing happened .. because essentially nothing did.
This probably won’t be a popular reply, but I know exactly what you mean. If I get the sense I’m going to run into someone again (especially if it will be frequently), I’ll send a closure-style text, something like, “Hey! I get the message that we won’t be seeing each other again romantically. Best of luck to you! If we bump into each other [at an alumni event], say hi and don’t be a stranger.”
It’s for my peace of mind moreso than theirs so I don’t feel awkward about approaching them / acknowledging their bad behavior when we see each other again. And they almost always un-ghost to reply back, thank me for being direct, and also wish me luck.
I try not to overthink it, OP. In the past I’d wonder if I did something wrong since, as you said, it’s so weird when it happens like… *mid-planning*, but now I just assume there was something up on their end and let it go. Some people aren’t malicious, just flaky and that’s not the kind of person I want. I *want* a good communicator so I just decide good riddance (but… nicer). That being said, I’ve only ever ghosted one person in my entire life and that was because I felt unsafe. I do think it’s kind of a rude new behavior that evolved in our current culture. On one hand, I get that no one *owes* anyone anything but on the other hand, we’re all people who are just trying our best and why not just be nice?
Best bet is to pretend nothing has happened at all
You’re kind of overthinking things. Also, don’t give people who ghost you any mental real estate. Move on.
As a general rule, a ghost missed their opportunity with you by showing zero empathy, consideration, or whatever else. Forget about them and if you happen to run into them, best thing to do is to act as if nothing happened. Don’t mention them ghosting, don’t mention even having talked to them on an app (or wherever you met them.) Hope you have better luck soon but, I wouldn’t bother with a ghost or put any energy into them whatsoever. Even if they are in your friend group. You dont have to make it awkward but just treat them as if you either just met, or you’ve known them forever and are simply friends
Here is what I have learned when it comes to ghosting – it’s more about THEM then it is about you. Note: I know how horrible being ghosted feels therefore I have never ghosted anyone, even after FaceTiming or one date. If someone gave you their time, you DO owe it to them to be honest. A text takes less than one minute. I have always sent ending contact messages in a polite manner and wished them well. If I can do it – any other adult can. People who ghost 👻 are people you want NOTHING to do with in the first place, so thank God you dodged a bullet because that was just the tip of their character iceberg. I was recently ghosted by someone I dated for months. I was very kind to them and dedicated a lot of time to getting to know them. Ghosting is COWARDLY and those who feel no explanation is needed are entitled/bad hearted. People love to say they don’t like conflict – that is code for being emotionally immature, selfish, lazy and a coward. These are the same type of people that think leaving a relationship is okay because it’s all about them and they cannot be bothered putting in work. These are the same type of people that can abandon children and live a normal life knowing they walked out on a family never looking back because they don’t care about anyone but themselves. They don’t emphasize with others therefore they justify acts like ghosting blaming the other person for being hurt/confused. With technology they don’t even need to meet up face to face, they can send a quick message to avoid weeks of confusion/sadness from another person left in the dust intentionally by them. These people don’t care about others and you do not want someone like this in your life, especially as a partner. They will move on quick and do it again. These people are immature and emotionally incapable SCUM. I learned to give it to God, block and delete when someone does this to me. It’s the ultimate red flag 🚩 and all attraction ends when they show how emotionally stunted and selfish they are. If someone did this to you and didn’t even bother to text you “sorry, I don’t think we are a match” – know it’s more about THEM not you. You are blessed if you are not a match with this COWARD. You are worth far more and this person does not match your value because THEY are the trash 🗑
When I got ghosted I didn’t approach people. But when people approach me I do say something. Just something like „ah haven’t heard from in a long time“ with a smile or something. I like to remind people but in a small talk kind of way. And then I usually end the conversation real quick. Actions have consequences and I‘m not playing along.
You can’t help it if people are going to ghost you. Best you can do is not ghost other people. It sucks. It hurts. But there’s nothing to do except try to filter those people out.
Ghosting is not a new phenomenon. We just feel it more acutely in the era of instant communication (and gave it a cute name).
We are no longer inclined to let feelings marinate – people search for immediate “closure” in casual interactions, and that puts pressure on the ghoster and ghosted, perpetuating the behavior.
People will ebb and flow out of our lives, like always, and we could stand to respond with a little more patience and grace – live our life and trust we’ll be fine either way without thirsting for an explanation that likely has little to do with us anyway.
A lot of people will say just let it go. But you could just send a text along the lines of, “Hey it seems like this has run it course. No hard feelings and best of luck in the future!” If you ever run into them don’t approach them. If they approach you to say hi, keep the conversation light and short, and find an excuse to physically walk away. “I’m sorry, I’m actually looking for a friend. Nice to see you.”